A Shameful Confession....

Since not really in the mood to post anything serious or profound at the moment, I've decided to take the day off and dedicate this post to all things random and zany!



But before I begin I felt that I needed to share a very important secret of mine that I have been hiding from you girls for far too long. At first I thought it was very shameful and a tad bit overcompulsive. When I looked at how this behavior had affected my life I just wanted to hang my head in despair. Countless times I have tried breaking myself of this awful habit, but to no avail. It seems that no matter how far I try to run away and forever leave this wretched part of me behind, I just keep falling back into my old ways once again. But now, no more secrets. No more hiding. No more. It's time I confessed.



Please. No harsh judgments. This is hard enough for me already.

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I have an incurable addiction



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(waiting--cue elevator music).



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.(doop dee doop bop bop bow wow)

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.. Please don't laugh.



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CEREAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A HA!! GOTCHA THERE DIDN'T I?

Yes, it's true. I LOVE cereal!!

Amo i cereali!

(that's Italian!)

I inherited this bizarre trait from my dad who eats about as much cereal as I do.

Right now I have about 6 or 7 boxes (some opened, some unopened) in my panty. Shameful I know. But I never seem to have enough. Every time I go food shopping, no matter how much cereali I currently have, I always find myself browsing through the colorfully decorated, happy rectangular boxes, longing to try another. More often than not I'll pick up a box or two of a brand that I haven't tried yet, throw it into my little shopping basket, and make my way to the checkout counter.

I don't really know what it is that I love about cereal so much--I just do! Maybe it's the crunchiness of the grain, or the slightly sweet taste, or maybe it's just the overwhelming oatiness that wins my heart over everytime. Who knows :)

When I was just a wee lassie

(breaking out my Scottish roots--no I'm not really Scottish, but I can pretend right? right)

I would seriously eat like 2 or 3 bowls of cereal every day. Applejacks, Cookie Crisp, Quaker Squares, and then my favorite, Cocoa Pebbles!!! Gotta love those guys!

Even during the worst years battling my eating disorder I still found that I couldn't completely give up my love for cereal.

Of course back in the day I was more into the sugar-coated sweet stuff endorsed by creepy mascot characters (note--it's perfectly fine if you guys like these kinds of cereal. I still find myself missing my Cocoa Pebbles. I don't mean to trigger anyone here. And Tony the Tiger is perfectly okay too...just a little bit on the smiley side).

But now I have found that my palate has been refined and I prefer cereals with a little bit more bulk to keep me full.

You guys probably want to know what I have in my pantry now right?

Awwwwww. .....okay. Just let me go check.

Be back in a sec.....

(more elevator music)

OKAY!!

Are you ready?

*Quaker Oatbran (my love)

*Tub of Quick Cooking Quaker Oats

*Bob's Red Mill 5 Grain Oats

*Kashi Puffs

*Kashi Autumn Wheat

*Kashi GoLean! Crunch Granola

*Barbara's Bakery Cinnamon Puffins

*Barbara's Bakery Organic Wheetabix

*Barbara's Bakery Shredded Wheat (biscuits, not bite-size)

*Barbara's Bakery Shredded Oats (to replace my love for Quaker Oatmeal Squares aka my favorite childhood cereal)

*Nature's Path Ginger Zing Granola

*Perky's 100% Natural Nutty Rice Cereal (a dud in my opinion, the little grains all clump together in milk and just aren't filling. I think they'd be better for baking recipes).

*Cascadian Farm Organic Purely O's

Wow, I guess I have a lot more cereal than I thought!

And you know what? I still want to try more!!

Yes, I know I have a problem but I am okay with that.

Well, I hope you guys had a good laugh and were able to maybe reminisce a little and just unwind!

Love and hugs!

Curse you Blogger!! Curse you!!

Hey guys!! I haven't left or anything! I just wanted to write really quickly to tell you that I HAD (emphasis) a really great awesome super amazing post that I wrote last night but when I went to post it AUUUUGUUUGHGHGHGHHH it got sucked up into the abyss of the blog universe! Never to be seen again. I'm still fuming....

So after many tears and woe is me stuff, I am painstakingly working on rewriting it. I will be posting it later on sometime this afternoon so then y'all can read it!

Hope everyone's day is going well!

Love and hugs!

The End to a LOOOOONG Week!

Hello!!! Am I still accepted back into blogland? I feel like I have been gone for soooooo long!

Anyways this week (as per usual) has been one KER-RAZY ride!! I'll skip over the boring, monotonous details and just get right down to it!

First of all I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who wished me well on my mid-terms! That was so kind of y'all and I know that a lot of you can relate to the pressure. Let me just tell you that the studying really payed off. I actually learned things!! haha! Now I am semi-sorta fluent in Italian to the point where I can conjugate verbs pretty well and can understand about 75% of the words. I just can't write it....non leggo.

I think.

I also had a Sosh test that I think went pretty well. I probably could have done better on it but at least I survived. Ugh. It was a long day.

Let me tell you it really took a lot of effort and determination to get some of the studying done. Ever since I developed an ED I absolutely HATE studying because it usually involves a lot of sitting. Whenever I try to study I get all nervous and antsy and worried that I'm not moving around exercising. This is just another blaringly obvious point about how controlling an eating disorder can be over someone's life. Funny how before I had my ED I never had a problem with sitting down and studying, although procrastination was still my boyfriend...heehee. But in the end I was able to push myself and get a lot accomplished.

Anyways...

Lookie what finally came!! I was so super excited about receving my shipment!! I practically counted down the days until it arrived!

Aren't they beautiful? Twelves cases of purely decadent FAGE heaven!

I just wanted to say a huge thanks to the FAGE company! They are the most kind and caring people, and really genuinely care about the satisfaction of the customer. Their Authentic Greek FAGE yogurt is so rich and creamy and is free of additives, preservatives and expletives (heeehee). It's worth every last penny too! I seriously don't know how I ever survived all these years without it!

I'm going to be so sad when my stash is gone...tear.

Thank you again FAGE!

Moving on!

An increase in my meal plan

Yes, it's true. My dietician upped my meal plan AGAIN! Ugh. I hate this!! Right now it's not so much the fear of food that gets to me, it's more the volume. I can handle the eating, but sometimes I just get so overwhelmed having to eat more at each meal. I just feel like I always have to eat such large amounts. Although, right now I am extremely thankful because for some strange ODD reason I have not been getting full. I'M SERIOUS!! It's like my stomach has morphed into a bottomless pit! So it's very nice not feeling so bloated all of the time.

Next on the agenda

Conquering the fear of nighttime eating

I am very PROUD to announce that for about the past two weeks I have been eating a nighttime snack. I never thought I would ever reach this point again, because for so long I have been fearful about eating at night. I have this wear that if I eat anything substantial past a certain hour that I would spontaneously gain weight overnight. Eh heh heh. Not so.

I remember the first night that I ate my nighttime snack. It was PB Puffins (love) with warmed soymilk. The second I planned my snack, I anxiously worried about it the entire day. When the evening rolled around I was still flitting back and forth about whether I should eat it or not. I was also nervous about having my parents see me eat because I always feel that they get all smug inside whenever they see me eating outside of my normal meal plan. Really stupid. Well, finally I just bit the bullet and thought, "screw it!! Who cares if they see me eat! I know that I need to eat this and I know that it is good for me." Before I could change my mind I promptly marched downstairs, grabbed a spoon, a mug and the milk, made my snack and ate. And you know what? It was good and I enjoyed eating it! And pretty much ever since then I have been eating some kind of snack at night.

But I'm not going to lie and say that it has been easy. Oh no! Far from it! I still find myself getting really nervous about eating my nighttime snack no matter what it might be. Sometimes in the early morning I'll find myself becoming preoccupied about thinking of ways to avoid eating at night and even deciding to just skip it altogether. But usually by the time night rolls around I give myself that one good push and I end up eating it anyway, because I know that it is right for me. But there are days when I still have trouble.

On that note:

If there are any girls out there struggling with eating certain kinds of foods, I just wanted to share some advice. My next post is going to be about a process I call conditioning that has helped me to conquer numerous challenges in my eating disorder. No, it has nothing to do with the body, but it has everything to do with the mind.

Until then, I leave you with these totally adorable pictures of plates that I found at TAR-JAY!!

Yeah, I pretty much NEED that octopus!!

Love and hugs!

Help I'm Being Buried Alive by My Homework!

Ello world and all who inhabit it!! [can ya'll guess where I got that from? :) ]
Sorry I've been away for so long! I have some HUGEEMONGASEOUS midterms coming up this week and I really really REALLY need to devote as much time as possible in studying.
Cuz I'm really bad at that....eh.
I have about a million and one things I want to tell you but I just don't have the time!
Here's a little teaser though until I can write a real post...with words...and a story...and pictures!

• My free Fage came!
• Another increase in my meal plan and how I'm dealing with it
• Conquering fear of late-night food eating
• Misconceptions about weight gain aka ED IS A BIG FAT LIAR!!!

Until then, love and hugs!!

Oh wait let me actually try to sneak some Italian in here so it's legit that I'm studying....

hmmm....Ho mangate mi sputino. Poi vado a la passigata. Ciao!!

(If I'm right, I think I just gurbled out: I ate my snack. Now I am going on a walk. Bye!)

Ugh...My Brain Hurts

Hi guys!! As you could probably tell I have taken a bit of a break from blogging and stuff. It's not that I'm struggling or anything like poor Kiki (my heart goes out to you girl!!), it's mostly that I've been feeling rather....confused....lately.



I've actually been doing extremely well as far as the eats have gone. The only tough thing right now is meal planning. I'm always very anal when it comes to planning my meals and always feel like I HAVE to have variety all of the time and only eat certain combinations of food and I always feel so...inadequate if I don't eat new and exciting foods everyday.

But I HAVE been challenging myself quite a bit.
In the past week or so I have managed to successfully conquer peas and corn products and eating a nighttime snack! Can I get a Whoot-Whoot!! I've also discovered a new found love for polenta! Mmmmmm.....polenta!
My next challenge is potatoes, and raw corn!
Still working on the sugar issues though....

My brain has been going around and around and around, working SUPER overtime lately trying to figure a lot of things out.

Just a warning, this is going to sound pretty twisted. And a lot of it is pretty deep.

**Have you ever felt like you don't have an ED? That's what I feel like. I feel like I never even had an ED and was just trying to have one. But then I realize that this is crazy whenever I think about how I was in the depths of my ED. Even then I had trouble believing that I had an ED. I felt that I ate too much and weighed too much (even though I didn't). But looking back I realize that this was EXTREMELY DISTORTED THINKING!! In fact my thinking was so distorted that I was convinced the other girls in the EDU would think that I didn't belong there. Haha...sure ED..sure....

I think this is a great fear for most ED sufferers--the fear of NOT BEING RECOGNIZED OR ACKNOWLEGED. After all, isn't that exactly the reason why we flaunt our skeletons and show off our bones? I know I did.

I also had a bad string of doctors pre-diagnosis who didn't believe that I had an ED. One doctor denied that I was sick even though I refused to eat certain foods and was losing weight. My main doctor at the EDU even acted like I was some sort of lazy, fatso because I didn't overexercise. He actually told me that I needed to regulate my exercise more!! So then of course I thought that I need to exercise more or else I'm not "healthy" or whatever. This is probably why I'm so DARN OBSESSED with exercise today!! Stupid doctor...grrrr......


**I think I am losing my identity in the ED itself. Sometimes I honestly don't feel afraid of food anymore, even foods that I normally would have been before. Like I'll look at like a piece of chocolate or something and think about how easy it would be to just take a bite, chew and swallow. But I don't because I'm still afraid. But I'm not really afraid of the food itself I think I'm afraid of how I'll react. What if taking that bite causes me to totally freak out and spiral back down again? I definitely don't want that. I'll said it before and I'll say it again--I am committed to this recovery, and I am in this for the LONG HAUL!

But then another, even scarier thought comes to mind, what if I don't panic. What if I'm completely okay with eating that slice of pizza or that square of chocolate? Is this a good thing? Isn't this where we are supposed to be? Why am I so afraid to lose my ED?


**I haven't had ANY urges to restrict which is very weird for me. But then again when I look back over the past year I realize that I am forgetting about the long process that it took to get to that point. And boy did I work hard!!!


**I'm not worried about gaining weight. (MEGA SUPER ULTRA MACHO GASP!!!) This is weird in and of itself. But then again I have accepted the fact that I need to gain weight so I don't freak out if I have a little bit more. BUT the weight hasn't started to show yet so I'm a little nervous about that part. I know I can handle that part because I've been there before but maintenance is another story. Maintenance is uncharted territory and I am petrified about getting there. Sometimes I wish that I had more weight to gain so the distance between my current weight and maintenance weight was a lot farther.


**I'm starting to see her more frequently. Me. The real me. The me, sub rosa, who has been choked by the constricting chains of this eating disorder for far too long. The me that needs to gain weight. And whenever I see this true reflection of myself, I am almost disgusted. I don't look healthy. My face looks gaunt, my eyes are sunken in, and I can see the tendons in my jaw when I smile. Yea...not pretty.


**I've been battling some really strong urges to binge. Like whenever I finish eating I never feel full so I always want to eat more. Even if I've had a filling meal, I always want to eat more. And I feel so GUILTY for this!! I feel like, "You expletive expletive!! How dare you say that you have an ED! You always want to eat more so that means you don't!" Usually I hold myself off from eating more or just leave the room because I'm afraid of eating out of control. You see before my ED I was like a bottomless pit. I never felt full which was probably due to my high metabolism. This was one of the reasons that I started restricting in the first place. I guess I'm just afraid of being like that again (normal) because I really hated my body then (even though it was perfectly fine).


**Sometimes I worry that I hold off from indulging in more food because I'm more afraid of losing my ED than I am afraid of gaining weight. But once again, I NEED TO LET GO!!!


I also had another HUGE revelation this week! I love these :)
Are you ready?

I am no longer afraid of eating.
When I realized this it nearly knocked me off of my crazy, cute polka-dotted socks.
I used to be so fearful of eating my next meal, especially at the EDU, and HATED the idea of putting anything other than vegetables and fruit into my mouth.

I think it is amazing that I have reached this point. Despite all of my craziness, maybe I am really farther in recovery than I realized....:)

WOw! I can't believe how much blogging has relieved my stress. Before I was thinking that I was going crazy, but getting all of my thoughts down in writing has really helped.



On a side note I have decided two things

1. I am no longer going to refer to foods as low or high calorie. Calories are now ENERGY. So now if I talk about foods it will be low-ENERGY or high-ENERGY. If you really think about it, this is what a calorie really is, and if we subsist of off low-ENERGY foods we are not going to have enough ENERGY to live. I think that if we adopt this mindset it will help us to have a better, healthier relationship with food.

2. For the sake of those that are currently struggling as well as for others I have decided not to post the AMOUNTS of my food anymore. Even though this is how I calculate my food, I don't think it's fair to make others compare their food to mine. And some sick part of my ED wanted others to know how little I was eating. So I EARNESTLY appologize if I have triggered any of you.

Love and hugs to you all and know that.....I just prayed for you!

A little Steamed

Thursday is a school and as usual my day started bright and early!

This time I actually managed to make it out of the door on time!! Haha! (triumphant laugh) Leaving on time is just one of the things that I am really working on improving. I swear I can never leave to go ANYWHERE at exactly the time I set. I almost always leave at least 5 or 10 minutes later than I planned. So frustrating..UGH!


Toning class was extremely INTENSE!! I swear sometimes I think my teacher is crazy but she is such a doll and so cool to talk to that we really don't mind. We ended up doing a sort of relay-bootcamp race.

We were split up into three teams of 3 (ya pretty small class) and had to run across a sand pit to the other side where we picked up an exercise card out of a huge pile on the ground. After we did our exercise, then we ran back to our team, and either had to do wall sits or squats while we waited.

See?!?! I told you she was crazy!!

I think by the end of the day I did about a million crunches, squats, lunges, jumping jacks, you name it. I am going to be sooooo sore these next couple of days.....But you know what? Even though it was a lot of exercise I was surprised that my body had the energy to just keep going. Believe me, if I was still restricting and starving my body of what it needs, I would have never NEVER survived!!
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Movin' on to second period.....


As a part of our study this week on Sexuality (double ugh) we watched a movie about oppression against gays. It was about a killing that was kind of similar to the Matthew Shephard Story. I don't really want to go into much of what it was about because I am very opinionated and Conservative on the whole subject. But I do want to say that I am not necessarily prejudiced against gays, I just have a more of a "love the sinner, hate the sin" kind of approach to the whole thing. Please don't write any angry opinions on this, I am just merely stating my views. Also, lately Mr. W has been kind of irking me. Now that I'm getting to know him a little better I can see that he isn't really the type of guy I am attracted to...even though he's incredibly cute... *(swoon)*. He just seems to be a lot more.....arrogant maybe....and he has a TOTAL disregard for God and Christianity. So--he's just not the guy I want to be with.



****

After second period I had a lovely lunch hosted in the crumb-laden, luxurious atmosphere of my car. I like to eat by myself for lunch just so that I can have the chance to relax and regain my composure. Plus the one time I ate in the commons one of my guy friends came up to me and made a weird face at the avoCHADO and hummus sandwich that I was eating. Grr....I hate it when people make fun of my food.....



****


As soon as I finished lunch it was off to Italian. As usual my teacher was MIA. She does this to us at least once a week and is usually about 15 minutes late. Finally we all got tired of just waiting around and decided that at 20 after we were all gonna leave. Hey, she can't count it as an unexcused absence if everybody goes! Well the second, and I mean the SECOND I stepped out the door in comes my teacher, hair askew looking rather frazzled.


"Where are you guys going?" she said. "We have class."


Groaannnnnn.....We trudged back inside. Only a lucky few had managed to make it to safety. Silently I envied them.


But suddenly my teacher ran out the door and began racing through the parking lot trying to catch the other students. She actually ran up to one of the cars as it was pulling out of its parking space and told them to come back to class. It was the funniest sight I have seen all week!! Ahhh, I needed a good laugh.

***

And now I need to VENT!

After work I went to the gym, had a good work out and came home to relax. It didn't go that way though. As soon as I got home my brother demanded that we watch this comedy DVD. Reluctantly I gave in although I really shouldn't have. I should have stood my ground and said "No darn it!! I want to watch what I want to watch!" Sighh....if only I could be so bold. While we were watching suddenly my dad turns to me and tells me this really crude joke about bulimia that he heard. I'll spare you the details--it still makes me fume. Basically it was some little crack that made light of a very SERIOUS situation.

Excuse my language but, WHAT THE HELL??!!

I couldn't believe how insensitve, ignorant, and downright disrespectful my dad was. I mean, did he not remember that I was in the hospital just 2 years ago??!!! Did he not see the devastating effects of my eating disorder?! And what in the world possessed him to think that I would find the joke funny?!!!

When I heard the punch line I was shocked!! I told him flat out that the joke was not funny AT ALL. Even though I have never struggled with bulimia I was still offended, disgusted and extremely put off. But most of all I was HURT. I was so angry I wanted to say more and really voice my feelings and even hurt him with my words. But I stayed silent. And I fumed for the rest of the night.

This morning I woke up and I was still livid. Although I stayed angry for most of the morning I didn't let on and kept to myself. Eventually I was able to work through it and later on confronted him about the joke.

Basically my dad didn't even realize that it was offensive. He thought that it wasn't about making fun of a serious situation but making fun of the fact that some people view purging as a type of fashion. To give you a little background, basically my dad thinks that eating disorders are willful disobediences to God's law, instead of illnesses. This really makes me angry because I know for a fact that I did NOT wake up one day and think hey I think I am going to disobey God but starving myself and just set out to have an eating disorder. No, my eating disorder actually was borne through a simple well-meaning diet that I started because I was afraid of getting fat and because I wanted to eat healthily. I never restricted purposely or because I wanted to sin. In fact, I didn't even know that is was wrong to have an eating disorder until I was in the hospital. But then again this is my dad's view on a lot of things. He even compared eating disorders to alcholism saying, "what's worse? taking the first drink or the twelfth?" It was only until later on that I realized he was completely WRONG. Alchohol is addicting, an eating disorder is all-consuming. It literally takes control of your mind, contorting your thoughts making you fear any and all types of food. Day after day it harrasses you, whispering in your eat that you are inadequate, lazy, stupid, horrible and deserve to die. It makes your palms sweat at Thanksgiving dinner, your heart race at restaurant outings and relentlessly criticizes every square inch of your body. Suddenly the little amounts of food that you were eating before become too much, too fattening and you become even more fearful, slowly restricting your intake until it eventually has you eating NOTHING!!

That's what an eating disorder is about!!
I'm sorry but this really has me angry!! What are all of your opinions on this?

Anyways...
Here's todays eats!


Breakfast

Overnight Bangin' Banana Oats
I combined 1/2c Oats, 1c Silk Lite Vanilla Soymilk, 1/2 mashed Banana and cinnamon to taste in the fridge overnight. Then in the morning I heated it on the stove until it was nice and creamy and thick and topped it with 6 almonds and 2 crushed Grahams. This is seriously the best bowl of oats I think I have ever had!! It tastes just like a banana-nut muffin and has a very sweet, rich banana flavor. Yum! I also ate it with a Red Prince Apple. These are very tart and tangy but still good!


Snack
Smoothay!!
1/2 Banana
1c Silk Lite Vanilla Soymilk
1 TB Molasses
Blended and then frozen until later.
Along with..
1c Organic Cheerios
6 Almonds

Lunch
2 Slices No Salt Bread
1 Amy's Bistro Burger
3 oz Sliced Tofu on the sandwich with the burger
2 TB Hummus
Veggies
Pear
Cascade Cherry Yogurt, frozen (my new obsession)


Snack
Lemon Larabar (my absolute FAVORITE!! I love how the lemon is tart yet still sweet at the same time. I'm a sucka for lemons. I used to eat them raw when I was little. Sometimes I still do).


Dinner will be

Egg Omelette with
1/2c Allwhites
Tomatoes, Chives and Nutritional Yeast to taste (not counted in because they are insignificant amounts of food. Oh yea, ED, you heard me right!)
Grain (maybe some peas?)
Dinner Roll w/
1 TB Peanut Butter
Fruit
Veggies

Milk (don't know what kind yet...I'm debating over Skim or Silk. The thing is if I do Silk I will be .5 satieties over my meal plan, which is not that big of a deal really, REALLY, but still...I know that it's pretty much pointless worrying about it cuz I need to gain weight (which I am starting to see--more on that later :)
and my dietician will probably up my meal plan again next week...Ugh.....)

Allrighty then!! I hope you girls have a good night!! After work I am going to go to a Young Life Meeting. I'm pretty excited about it because I will get to work with and maybe counsel some youth. Then afterwards I'm sposed to go to a Twilight screening with my friends. Has anyone seen it yet? It actually looks like a good movie.





Love and hugs to you all!

I'm Back!!

Ello ladies. I appologize for the absence. I told you in the beginning that continuing one of these things was very hard for me. I think its because I'm afraid of judgement and I get intimidated by all of this writing. I'm a good writer but I often write too much. Waaaay too much. Also, I often feel nervous when I socialize in general, not just because of ED. I've dealt with this since I was a little girl. I would get nervous calling people on the phone or hanging out at a friends house. Sometimes I would just avoid it altogether. But thankfully now that I'm older I realize that this has made me very lonely and I love going out for a good night on the town. So if you see me being absent for a long while, knock me upside the head because I've probably scared myself off. But I need this blogging community and I need to keep socializing. It's good for me.

Anyways this week was pretty eventful.

On Sunday I made the huge decision to get baptised. This was such a life-changing moment, one that I'll never forget. It was very "of God." You see, back in November or December I was planning on getting baptised but nothing quite worked out. My dad wasn't able to come, half of my family was missing, and to be completely honest, my heart just wasn't ready. I felt more obligated to get baptised than anything. In no way was I ready to give my whole life over to God. But on Sunday, I was ready. I wanted to trust God with my life, I wanted to give my all over to Him, and I wanted to surrender my eating disorder over to Him. I can't even tell you how many affirmations He has given me lately, that have utterly confirmed that my decision was the right one. Amazing. And so, on Sunday, I barried my sins. Let all the believers rejoice!!

After Sunday my week got pretty crazy. Lately my mind has been kind of freaking out on me. Half of the time I feel very forgetful and experience weird episodes where it's almost like I have premature Alzheimers. It's very...unsettling....and I was just wondering if anybody else has experienced stuff like this. My nutritionist said that irrational thinking is pretty common until my body starts remending itself and gets up to a healthy weight. I also might be tired but I am still kind of worried. Would GREATLY appreciate some prayer from my fellow believers.

Lately I've also been feeling depressed because I have NOTHING to DO!!! Since I share a car with my brother, at least 3 days of the week I'm stuck at home with nothing but my brain, my ED, and a whole lot of nothing. Did I mention nothing? It can get pretty maddening. Soooo I've decided to organize a new system for myself where I have scheduled activities like cleaning and homework and stuff. Otherwise I pretty much procrastinate. That way I won't feel so lazy and my day will be a lot more productive. PLUS I'll get more of my homework done and won't have to stay up so late!! Tomorrow is my first day on the "job." Wish me luck.

In other news ED has been kind of quiet. This kind of scares me still. Sometimes I really don't want my ED to leave and I worry when things are too easy. Like I worry that its gone because I a part of me is still holding on to it.
But wait?
Isn't this is a good thing?
Why should I be worried that my ED is silent?
I should be rejoicing!!
I should be relishing the times where I have ED-free days and embracing my life on that day!!
I should be whooping it up!! Dancing and singing and laughing until my sides hurt!!

This is a time to rediscover myself!! To grow and live and scale new heights!!
This is where I need to start accepting that recovery is a good thing.

And I am NOT going to let ED try to convince me otherwise.

Here's the eats for today!

Breakfast

1/2c Oatmeal

1/2c Pumpkin

1 TB PB

1 Banana

1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

No Snack because of school, but I still made my numbers :)

Lunch (eaten in the car outside of campus)

2 Slices No-Salt Bread

1 oz AvoCHADO!

2 TB Hummus

Veggies yum yum yum

Sliced Pear

Fage 0%

Serving of Annie's Honey Bunnies (crumbled in the Fage of course!)

Snack

Stonyfield Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt mixed with

1 TB Cocoa Powder (so delicious, I cannot give it up)

1 Wheetabix

1 c Kashi Puffs

12 Almonds

1/2c Applesauce

Dinner

Almond Milk

Egg White Omelette with Tomatoes

1/2c Edamame

Veggies YUMYUMYUM!!!

Sliced Pear

Kashi TLC Pumpkin Pie Bar

Snack

Yes I challenged myself with an evening snack!! It really wasn't that hard!! I just had to push myself to do it. On the drive home from the rec center I was debating whether to eat it or not cuz nine is still pretty late. But when I came home I wasn't gonna let myself back out. I promptly marched over to the freezer, grabbed my snack and sat down on the couch to eat it! And it was pretty dern good!

Frozen Cascade Strawberry Yogurt

Okay I just have to mention one more thing:

I. Am. In. A. Cooking. RUT!!!

For the life of me I cannot cook!! The other day I tried making fluted egg muffin cups (like on Kiki's blog) but they ended up more like sad, deflated souffles. So sad. So I always end up making the same things everyday. I just don't know how to do variety!

I would LOVE it if you all sent me some ideas, recipes, ANYTHING, cuz I am just lost!! Thanks!!

Well I'm off to sleep. Sleep is good. ZZZzzzz....