Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Other People can be Triggered too...

Evening girls (and a guy apparently). I'm taking a much needed break from some particularly EEE-VILL homework to clear my head. I really wish I could just dump my head upside down like a wastebasket and empty out all of the clutter and trash and nonsense and start over again. Sometimes I get so bogged down with all of my thoughts. Crazy-ness.

Anyways, I wanted to share something that happened to me earlier in the week. It was really enlightening and opened my eyes.

So one day during work I was eating lunch with one of my coworkers, S. We were talking about random things like we usually do and then suddenly the conversation turned towards food. My coworker is always telling me about how she loves to experiment in the kitchen and prepare her own meals. She's even made pot pies WITH THE CRUST from scratch!! ENVY!!! Well, somehow the topic shifted to my other coworker, A. Now, I don't really like to insult people so I'll just say that my other coworker is of a bigger build than I am and she doesn't exactly eat the healthiest meals. The convo went something like this:

S: Have you ever seen how MUCH A eats!
Me: I know she practically eats nothing except candy and soda for lunch.
S: (confused look) No, dude she brings like 2 or 3 different lunches. Sometimes she even shares one with me if I forget mine.
Me: Really? She never eats that much when I work with her.
S: Well....um....I think that's because she's kind of....intimidated by you.
Me: You mean because I'm skinny?
S: Well, yeah. I mean she doesn't really want to eat that much around you because you're so skinny.
Me: Really??
S: Yeah, I mean I struggled with it too when I started working with you. At first I didn't want to eat because I felt bad, but then I was just like "SCREW IT!" I'll eat what I want. And I got over it.
Me: Oh. Yea. Um. Well I get that way too around whenever I eat around other skinny girls, I'll judge what I eat. (I really wish I had been more sensitive with the word skinny. I didn't mean at all to imply or draw attention to the fact that my coworkers aren't...um...of a smaller build).
S: (laughs).

Wow. I can't even tell you how shocked I was. It really makes me sad to hear that my appearance alone can TRIGGER my coworker to want to eat less and want to be thinner. I had no idea that I was having this affect on her. I so desperately want to tell S and A the truth, but I just can't bring myself to.

Girls, this is a huge example of just how triggering our appearances and eating disorders can be to others. We (and I) really need to watch how we dress and what we eat around others because you never know who might be watching.

On a side note--I'm still feeling major confused about the whole eating disorder thing. I swear there are some days when I feel like it never even existed or like I don't even have a problem with it anymore. I would REALLY appreciate some feedback, experiences, comfort, and prayers if you have any. Thanks.

Mmmkay. Well I'd best be gettin myself off to bed. I've racked up WAAAY too much sleep debt this week and I have a therapy sesh tomorrow.

Love and hugs!

Saturday, July 18, 2009


Hey guys I'm back again. So after taking a much needed hiatus I finally got some things figured out. For a while I was feeling really confused about my eating disorder and kept going back and forth about whether I still had one or not. Some days I knew I still had my eating disorder, and other days I felt like I didn't. It was very confusing and really messed with my head for a while. I think part of it was due to reading blogs and reading about how people talk about their eating disorders. I think that because I started thinking about my eating disorder as a separate being (i.e. ED says), it just confused me and made feel like I was still trying to have one. I've never thought about my eating disorder as a separate being before. I've always just kind of meshed it with my own behaviors and considered it apart of me. So when I started thinking differently I just got confused. I mean really, c'mon, if you know that someone is telling you lies and is controlling you, wouldn't it make sense to just RUN AWAY as fast as you can, instead of obeying them? So, that's why I was feeling so confused.
Anyways. A BUNCH of stuff has been going on lately. Here's a little recap.

  • Finally found a good therapist. I've been seeing this gal for about 2 months now and I really like her. She is easy to talk to, friendly, and totally understands where I'm coming from. Best of all, I really like how I can tell her anything (no matter how weird or abnormal it seems) and she won't freak out. In fact, a lot of the stuff that I've told her she says she's heard it all before. So great. I really like her.
  • My brother shipped out for bootcamp in the Navy. It was really sad seeing him go and knowing that he is not going to be back home for....well...pretty much forever. My brother and I were always really close and are only 18 months apart. He's a really great guy and has been like a best friend to me. I can pretty much talk to him about anything. I really miss him. And he's gotten pretty handsome too, so ladies....if you're lookin...;).
  • I am a highway-driving babe!! Oh yea, all of these therapist appointments have really pushed me to start driving longer distances more often and overcome my fear of the dreaded 3 lane road...dundundun!!!! Before I was so terrified of the highway but now I LOVE IT!! I love the freedom of the open road, the wind in my hair, the thrilling high speeds, and just the ability to navigate my way, get there, and get back home. So fun!
  • Changed career paths. This was actually kind of sudden. For a while I thought that I wanted to be a psychologist, but after taking a PSYCH 102 class this summer I realized that psychology--not the way to go. If you don't already know, I want to work with girls who have eating disorders and help them overcome their fears and learn to accept and love themselves. Psychology is mostly about research and conducting experiments and figuring out how our brain works. BLEGH!!! Well, I don't want to diagnose the problem, I want to help fix it!! So, I talked to my therapist about it and she told me that I should instead major in social work. So now that's gonna be my major!! I'm so glad I another piece of my career life figured out!!! Woohoo!!! Plus I won't have to be in school for another 7 years!! Bonus!!!

Well, that's about all I have to say for now. I'll just leave you with some pics of things that I drooled over whilst shopping. I so wish I could afford this stuff. I need more money...eh...

I NEEEEEEEEED it. Tar-jay you are my love...

Have a good night girls!!