Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Other People can be Triggered too...

Evening girls (and a guy apparently). I'm taking a much needed break from some particularly EEE-VILL homework to clear my head. I really wish I could just dump my head upside down like a wastebasket and empty out all of the clutter and trash and nonsense and start over again. Sometimes I get so bogged down with all of my thoughts. Crazy-ness.

Anyways, I wanted to share something that happened to me earlier in the week. It was really enlightening and opened my eyes.

So one day during work I was eating lunch with one of my coworkers, S. We were talking about random things like we usually do and then suddenly the conversation turned towards food. My coworker is always telling me about how she loves to experiment in the kitchen and prepare her own meals. She's even made pot pies WITH THE CRUST from scratch!! ENVY!!! Well, somehow the topic shifted to my other coworker, A. Now, I don't really like to insult people so I'll just say that my other coworker is of a bigger build than I am and she doesn't exactly eat the healthiest meals. The convo went something like this:

S: Have you ever seen how MUCH A eats!
Me: I know she practically eats nothing except candy and soda for lunch.
S: (confused look) No, dude she brings like 2 or 3 different lunches. Sometimes she even shares one with me if I forget mine.
Me: Really? She never eats that much when I work with her.
S: Well....um....I think that's because she's kind of....intimidated by you.
Me: You mean because I'm skinny?
S: Well, yeah. I mean she doesn't really want to eat that much around you because you're so skinny.
Me: Really??
S: Yeah, I mean I struggled with it too when I started working with you. At first I didn't want to eat because I felt bad, but then I was just like "SCREW IT!" I'll eat what I want. And I got over it.
Me: Oh. Yea. Um. Well I get that way too around whenever I eat around other skinny girls, I'll judge what I eat. (I really wish I had been more sensitive with the word skinny. I didn't mean at all to imply or draw attention to the fact that my coworkers aren't...um...of a smaller build).
S: (laughs).

Wow. I can't even tell you how shocked I was. It really makes me sad to hear that my appearance alone can TRIGGER my coworker to want to eat less and want to be thinner. I had no idea that I was having this affect on her. I so desperately want to tell S and A the truth, but I just can't bring myself to.

Girls, this is a huge example of just how triggering our appearances and eating disorders can be to others. We (and I) really need to watch how we dress and what we eat around others because you never know who might be watching.

On a side note--I'm still feeling major confused about the whole eating disorder thing. I swear there are some days when I feel like it never even existed or like I don't even have a problem with it anymore. I would REALLY appreciate some feedback, experiences, comfort, and prayers if you have any. Thanks.

Mmmkay. Well I'd best be gettin myself off to bed. I've racked up WAAAY too much sleep debt this week and I have a therapy sesh tomorrow.

Love and hugs!


Anonymous July 29, 2009 at 7:34 AM  

wow...I never knew such thing existed! I'm skinny myself, but I didn't really realize that it could trigger other people...Gotta be more careful in the future...but then, I always eat more than other people!

tinyirishdancer July 29, 2009 at 8:44 AM  

Hey girlie! I'm so glad you're back! *hugtackle* =]

Gosh. It's been a long time since I was thin enough to provoke that sort of response from people, but I remember it well. And that made recovery all the harder - my friends didn't want to eat around me, so I would consequently eat less when I really needed the nutrition to gain weight.
Sigh. Not good times.

But anyhow. I'd love to do a mail exchange with you! I'll send you an email before I leave on the 1st for Disneyland. You live in the States, right? I don't want you to have to pay an exorbitant amount for shipping or anything.

As for feeling like you don't have an ED anymore - I've gone through the same thing. It's a part of recovery. I find that the ED thoughts come in waves, now. Some days it won't bother me in the slightest, whereas other days I'm tempted to full-out restrict. It's stressful, I know. *hugs*

Well, I hope you're having a lovely week! Don't stress out about homework TOO much, kay? Luff luffs <3<3

Anonymous July 29, 2009 at 7:59 PM  

Wow, that story is definitely an eye opener. I know that when I was still struggling with a lot of ED thoughts (and it still happens occasionally) I was very conscious about the amount that others ate and felt that I absolutely HAD to eat significantly less than them. Didn't matter if they were bigger than me or whatever, I needed to eat less than anybody I was around.

Mike July 31, 2009 at 7:15 PM  

I've found that it's something you struggle with...it comes and goes based on how busy you are or what else you have going on.

I know on days when I'm alone I'm more tempted to revert to ED type behavior because well, I can't keep myself occupied with anything else. It's just like a pre-set condition in my mind as far as how I define myself and how I find value and productivity (albeit in a really, really vain sense.) Honestly, it's not even always a food or exercise thing...I'm the same way with my job or getting stuff done or whatever...I think what I (and maybe you?) need is a way to find enjoyment and relaxation without worrying about the fact that maybe doing something FOR YOU is o.k.

I don’t know how it is with other people, but with my experience, I was almost “shocked” into this whole anxiety/ocd/ed thing because of a series of failures (or presumed failures) in my life, and I can’t seem to completely separate myself from those kinds of thoughts and behaviors if only for fear that by doing so I may be setting myself up for similar failures again in my life.

Anyways, just my perspective…

"Teach us to care and not to care/Teach us to sit still"

Devan Geselle. N August 2, 2009 at 8:42 AM  

girl I actually feel the SAME way. somedays I feel ontop of the world! Carefree, beautiful, and alive. Other days I restrict completly, cry, and want to crawl in a hole. I do not understand.
I dont want to seek help from a therapist or nutrionist (though I know I really should) I am just scared to.
I get triggered by other peoples sizes. If there is a girl who is really skinny, I start rambling about my "fat" self. so on. Even though I am NOT. I am still underweight.. but i dont see it. It kills me. I want to be free.
I want everyone to be free. I do NOT WANT TO JUDGE. I hate that i do that. but everyone does.
I am sorry this wasnt really feedback.. I really think we should just learn to exept everyone for what and who they are. they are able to seek help for themselves.. and if they want/need to, will seek advice from their freinds or co workers.


Anonymous August 15, 2009 at 9:13 PM  

hey... i've only read this post on your blog, but for the last note you wrote, about feeling like ed never existed etc, i feel the same way too sometimes. if you ever want to talk, you can get me through my blog-- www.glambaa.wordpress.com
i hope that things are going well for you :)
take care!

Tasty Health Food August 17, 2009 at 7:28 PM  

Yeah, this can be a problem in places like school and work. It's really sad what's happened to society these days. :(

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