Other People can be Triggered too...

Evening girls (and a guy apparently). I'm taking a much needed break from some particularly EEE-VILL homework to clear my head. I really wish I could just dump my head upside down like a wastebasket and empty out all of the clutter and trash and nonsense and start over again. Sometimes I get so bogged down with all of my thoughts. Crazy-ness.

Anyways, I wanted to share something that happened to me earlier in the week. It was really enlightening and opened my eyes.

So one day during work I was eating lunch with one of my coworkers, S. We were talking about random things like we usually do and then suddenly the conversation turned towards food. My coworker is always telling me about how she loves to experiment in the kitchen and prepare her own meals. She's even made pot pies WITH THE CRUST from scratch!! ENVY!!! Well, somehow the topic shifted to my other coworker, A. Now, I don't really like to insult people so I'll just say that my other coworker is of a bigger build than I am and she doesn't exactly eat the healthiest meals. The convo went something like this:

S: Have you ever seen how MUCH A eats!
Me: I know she practically eats nothing except candy and soda for lunch.
S: (confused look) No, dude she brings like 2 or 3 different lunches. Sometimes she even shares one with me if I forget mine.
Me: Really? She never eats that much when I work with her.
S: Well....um....I think that's because she's kind of....intimidated by you.
Me: You mean because I'm skinny?
S: Well, yeah. I mean she doesn't really want to eat that much around you because you're so skinny.
Me: Really??
S: Yeah, I mean I struggled with it too when I started working with you. At first I didn't want to eat because I felt bad, but then I was just like "SCREW IT!" I'll eat what I want. And I got over it.
Me: Oh. Yea. Um. Well I get that way too around whenever I eat around other skinny girls, I'll judge what I eat. (I really wish I had been more sensitive with the word skinny. I didn't mean at all to imply or draw attention to the fact that my coworkers aren't...um...of a smaller build).
S: (laughs).


Wow. I can't even tell you how shocked I was. It really makes me sad to hear that my appearance alone can TRIGGER my coworker to want to eat less and want to be thinner. I had no idea that I was having this affect on her. I so desperately want to tell S and A the truth, but I just can't bring myself to.

Girls, this is a huge example of just how triggering our appearances and eating disorders can be to others. We (and I) really need to watch how we dress and what we eat around others because you never know who might be watching.

On a side note--I'm still feeling major confused about the whole eating disorder thing. I swear there are some days when I feel like it never even existed or like I don't even have a problem with it anymore. I would REALLY appreciate some feedback, experiences, comfort, and prayers if you have any. Thanks.

Mmmkay. Well I'd best be gettin myself off to bed. I've racked up WAAAY too much sleep debt this week and I have a therapy sesh tomorrow.

Love and hugs!