Thursday, April 23, 2009

Struggles and Strides

Hi girls!! I thought it was high time I do a post again so....here I am!!


First of all I just wanted to thank those of you who actually stuck it out and read my Easter recap post. I know it was a lot to read. I have a really bad habit about doing that...always have. Seriously like ever since I can remember I would always right like 8 pages for an assignment (not even exaggerating) when we were only supposed to do 5. But ever since my eating disorder destroyed my brain I haven't really been able to write as much...until recently. I guess that means I'm getting better (!)

what to talk about....hm....what to talk about....

These past couple of days have been kind of a struggle for me eating wise. I knew exactly when it started happening too. It was last week and I was finishing up my evening snack. It was really delicious too and I enjoyed it. But after I ate it I started feeling guilty that I was eating too much at night and that I shouldn't be doing that. I also felt like my mom was judging what I ate, and felt like she was thinking that I ate a lot.

I don't know if this is just me but it really bothers me. I hate it when people watch what I eat. I always feel guilty when others see me eat because I either still feel like it's wrong or I do not want people assuming that my eating disorder is gone. Craziness...

I feel like my mom especially is always judging what I eat and only cares about the eating. I always feel like her eyes are on me, watching me. And she does!! She always looks at what I have out for breakfast or what I'm eating for lunch or when I get an evening snack. And if I don't eat what she thinks I should eat or when I should be eating she gets all nervous and and points it out later. It really BUGS ME!! I always feel so nervous eating around her because I'm sure she is judging me. So whenever I get myself a snack that may look big to her (like 2 pieces of toast with PB as opposed to a bowl of cereal) I feel like she first judges the amount that I'm eating and then gets all smug and satisfied when it looks like I'm eating a lot.

I know that she means well and she just wants me to gain weight and be healthy again and enjoy life and live and laugh and love again. And I love that she wants that for me and I am so glad that she cares about me that deeply. AND I desperately, dearly love her with all my heart.



My family is kind of the same way too. Let's say that I eat a pudding or something or something with honey or something sweet-ish looking, like French Toast. Well immediately everybody chimes in with "I didn't know you liked that" or "Raina's got a sweet tooth," and it just makes me feel guilty and angry. So most of the time I feel like I CAN'T eat sweet things without everyone judging me and saying these things.

But why? Why is this so DARN important?

Honestly?

I think it's because I don't WANT to look NORMAL in their eyes. I guess I just WANT to stay DIFFERENT AND I DON'T WANT TO LET GO OF MY EATING DISORDER YET.

Why?

Hell if I know.

Other times I think I'm still holding on to my eating disorder (in some regards) because I just want to spite them. Stupid me...

BUT this is not at ALL how my eating disorder started!! This anxiety over people seeing me eat just kind of developed after treatment because of some issues. Issues being anger, unforgiveness, and emotional baggage.

So anyways....long rant over...there's a lot more history behind it too. For instance my dad has diabetes so I feel like it's bad to like sugary things, and I feel like my family always equates sweet things with...err....weight gain on my part.

The other part of my struggle this week has been because of a change in my schedule and I get really uncomfortable when I have to cram in my meals in a short amount of time. Plus I have been restricting my sleep, A BAAAAAADDD habit I developed after treatment, which always makes everything seem a million times worse. So that has definitely set me back. But I have been feeling better lately--SLEEP HELPS--and am getting back up to where I need to be. And the best part?
I DON'T WANT TO KEEP GOING BACKWARDS. THIS IS TWICE NOW THAT I'VE HAD A SORT OF "SET BACK" IN THE LAST 2 TO 3 MONTHS. I HAVE SEEN HOW POWERFUL AND CONSUMING MY EATING DISORDER IS AND I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO SUCH A LOW POINT EVER AGAIN!!! I KNOW I NEED TO PUSH MYSELF AND EAT MORE AND I WANT TO GET BETTER!!!




Sose how abouts I do a posties now about my eats, eh? I haven't done that in a while. And, to make it even more fun, how about I write some of it in Italiano!!

THE EATS

Yesterday's Eats


Il Colazzione
Oatbran cooked in Plain soymilk with a dash of cinnamon and 1/2c of pumpkin. I also had an apple to nosh on to my hearts content on tha side.

La Merenda uno
2 Shredded Biscuits with a whole sliced bananannananana and some almonds in almond milk. After snack I went to the GYM (insert manly grunt here...that's how I read it) to get my workout on. I always eat a banana now before I work out because I feel like it gives me so much energy. It's a NECESSITY!!

Il Pranzo
My favorite baked tofu sandwich on bread with some hummus and tomato paste. Seriously delish!! I also added some spices to the tofu like paprika and tummeric, and when it was all put together on the sandwich it tasted kind of like I remember a burger with ketchup and mustard tasting. Yumm.....And then I had some veggies (love), a kiwi, and some wheat germ mixed into a Rachel's black cherry currant yogurt. I am so proud for challenging myself with eating a kiwi!! instead of an apple. I used to always feel like I needed to eat a hard, crunchy fruit or else I wouldn't feel full enough, but this is not SO!!

Also, yesterday was the first day I started getting back on my meal plan again. I was actually feeling pretty confident so I just went for it. Yea me!!

La Merenda due
TLC Trail Mix Bar (my new favorite kind!) and an almond milk

La Cena
YUMMMAY!!
Il pesce con la polenta e le verdure e la frutta.
Fish with polenta and vegetable and fruit.
I also mixed in hummus with the polenta to make it creamy and added some sunflower seeds. Polenta is my new FAVORITO AMOR! The hummus made it really good and reminded me greatly of mashed potatoes.

La Meranda tre
Frozen yogurt with frozen strawberries. This actually made me feel quite sick but I sucked it up and ate it anyway.

Today's Eats
Brekkie
Oatbran cooked in soymilk with cinnamon. When it was done I added a tablespoon of PB, and had a rice cake and an apple to go with it.

La Merenda
Hummus and Avocado Sandwich and some sliced peppers and a kiwi. I was supposed to also have a Fage with 1/4c of oats and some Fig jelly mixed in, but when I tasted the yogurt it was lukewarm and I was too worried about EVIL BACTERIA so I nixed it. BUT I knew I needed me some protein so I dashed on over to the store and bought a Honey Oikos. SO GOOD AND SO CREAMY AND COLD!! I will do a review later.

Snackie
Almond milk, applesauce, and an Apple Larabar.

Dinner

Randomosity. Veggie Burger with 3 oz of Tofu, and about 1/3c of Chickpeas. I also have some much loved veggies and an apple.

Snack for tonight
Probably my fav!! Cocoa powder mixed into a Lemon Cascade Yogurt, with some dried figs on the side. I'm SYKED to try the figs because they are Black Mission and I have only tried another kind before.

I just might challenge my stupid self tonight by eating some type of grain and satiety in FRONT OF MY MOTHER!!

SCREW THIS DISORDERED THINKING!!

Have a good night girls!

Love and hugs!


NOTE: Part of the reason why I posted today was because I needed to distract myself from wanting to exercise. Also, I did NOT restrict my morning snack today. I just don't have time to eat it b/t class so I usually make up for it with a bigger nighttime snack.
Edited to add: Tonight's snack was a Strawberry Yogurt--we were out of lemon :(--with some millet puffs, wheat germ, and 12 almonds. I also snacked on some lettuce and 2 delicioso figs. I eat veggies like a fiend, and I do not care to "count" them :)

5 comments:

Stef April 24, 2009 at 12:40 AM  

UGH that is so annoying about your mom watching everything you eat, I can TOTALLY relate! My mom has eased up about it now that I'm at a healthy weight, but for the LONGEST time she was just like yours...and it pissed me off especially when I knew I was eating something different than usual, but that it was the SAME or less number of calories, and she'd get all smug and happy about me eating "more." Not helpful at all. And she even broadcasted via email to my WHOLE EXTENDED FAMILY one time that I ate a certain meal, and even detailed the HERBS I used in it...little did she know that I was actively restricting and that meal had less than 1/2 the # of calories as I had been taking in before! Ok I don't know why I'm ranting about this, sorry..I just really feel your pain on this! Would it be possible to talk to her about it? Let her know that being watched like a hawk is not helping you and actually triggering you by making you feel WORSE about eating? All your meals sound yummy!

Stef April 24, 2009 at 12:40 AM  

UGH that is so annoying about your mom watching everything you eat, I can TOTALLY relate! My mom has eased up about it now that I'm at a healthy weight, but for the LONGEST time she was just like yours...and it pissed me off especially when I knew I was eating something different than usual, but that it was the SAME or less number of calories, and she'd get all smug and happy about me eating "more." Not helpful at all. And she even broadcasted via email to my WHOLE EXTENDED FAMILY one time that I ate a certain meal, and even detailed the HERBS I used in it...little did she know that I was actively restricting and that meal had less than 1/2 the # of calories as I had been taking in before! Ok I don't know why I'm ranting about this, sorry..I just really feel your pain on this! Would it be possible to talk to her about it? Let her know that being watched like a hawk is not helping you and actually triggering you by making you feel WORSE about eating? All your meals sound yummy!

loveprevails May 7, 2009 at 6:17 PM  

Hey hun,
Just stopping by and saw your post today. I am totally there with you. I HATE eating in front of people, anyone it doesn't matter and when I do I always feel like i have to do something 'safe' or 'healthy' to prove that I am still picky about what I eat.
Hang in there, the longer you can maintain a healthy diet the easier it will become!!!

Natalia May 13, 2009 at 4:41 AM  

hey girl,
i think its great that you're recognizing what is good and bad for your recovery and how far you've come from avoiding certain foods and certain ed behaviors. improving your body image is SUCH a huge step and you are a beautiful girl so i'm so happy to hear that you're finally realizing it;)
i know exactly exactlyy what you mean about your mom watching everything- my mom's first and last words to me everyday are usually ed-related and these past few months have been hell but i've come to realize it is truly out of concern and that if she keeps showing worry even after her threats of telling me she doesnt care anymore and is going to leave me alone and that my recovery is my life and i can do what i choose with it- she ALWAYS wakes up the next day begging me to add a bit more to my breakfast.

i guess in the end we'll be thankful for it and we just have to be patient with the fact that they're doing what they think is right and even if they don't know too much about food and calories and nutrition at least they love us enough to bitch about it haha

best of luck today

Haylee June 10, 2009 at 11:58 AM  

It's amazing how much I relate to everything you say! seriously reading your posts is like reading my mind. so annoying about your mom, I totally know how you feel with that one. And all of your meals sound so very delicious.