Hurray for spontaneous posting!!!
I am feeling a million times better than I have all week and I just feel like grinning from ear to ear! Thank you again gals for always welcoming me back. My schedule/eating disorder/ker-razy life is just so sporatic it's a wonder I ever get anything done. But I am feeling really good right now, craziness aside.
Yesterday, on the other hand, was one of THOSE days. My body image, my self esteem, my happiness was at such a low point that I felt like bursting into a million tears. I am going through kind of an awkward phase right now beauty-wise (I know, I sound so vain right) because of the horrible SQUARE-HAIR ordeal that happened to me earlier in the year. Basically I went to this new stylist because my old one just up and quit and received a VERY botched, short don't. It's grown out considerably now but the layers are still off and I have to grow out my bangs to get everything evened up again. This is extremely unnerving for me because I often feel worthless, ugly, and depressed when I don't look as good as I want to. On top of that I have also had to wear my glasses all this week until I can reorder my contacts, which just further adds to my low-esteem. So, all of these factors combined with the fact that I have to gain weight have made me really depressed.
But you know what?
I have realized just how UNHEALTHY this is. If I constantly base my self worth off of how I look or how I feel about my body each and every single day I am never EVER going to learn how to love and accept myself. Even if everybody tells me differently I will ALWAYS find some little flaw that I am unsatisfied with. I am my greatest critic. But I can't keep doing this!! Recovery is supposed to be about learning how to love myself for who God created me to be and to be content with what He has given me NO MATTER WHAT. Too often I find myself frowning in disgust at my image in the mirror and automatically thinking, "If I JUST had thinner thighs then I could be happy, or If my hair would JUST lie straight for once then I would feel good about myself, or If ONLY....(fill in the blanks)." The more and more I continue this type of negative the self talk the more I stay stuck, firmly held in the grasp of my eating disorder.
I think, in some twisted a way, that God is desperately trying to teach me this year how to be content. My hair used to be my pride and joy. It was once very shiny and healthy and luscious and I always sported the hippest, cutest trends. I had these great Euro-chic, eyebrow skimming bangs that I LOVED. They made me feel so confident and ATTRACTIVE, but guess what? Their purpose was to cover up a perceived flaw--my forehead and eyebrows--which I'm not so fond of. But then I got greedy and impatient and wanted to change up my style and before long, even though I HEARD that nagging voice telling me NOT TO CUT MY HAIR AGAIN, I ended up with a total nightmare-weed on my head! And I'm still living with the repercussions of my decision!!! So now I have to accept the consequences, live with my decision, and sit and w a i t.
And while I've been waiting I've had to put up with a lot of anxiety over my looks. There have been many days where I know my hair has not looked that great and I can't do anything about it (my hair is still too short to pull back into a ponytail) but just sit and live with it. It's has not been easy for me. In a way I have pretty much had to let go of my vanity entirely and learn to live my life knowing that I don't look as pretty. I have had to learn how to not base my self worth off of my looks. This is probably one of the HARDEST lessons I have ever had to learn and I am a bit embarrassed to say that I am STILL struggling.
And so, cleverly disguised as a simple, but horrendously bad haircut, I have discovered the next step in recovery for me. And that is to love ME, the whole package, every IOTA, all flaws included. This means that I can't always be striving after perfection. This means that I need to learn how to stop comparing myself to others. This means that I need to stop the constant body bashing. This means that I need to stop changing myself everytime I find something like I don't like. This means that I need to learn how to be happy even if I am not super skinny. The weight gain aspect of recovery has always been my greatest stressor because I worry that I will not be skinny when I reach goal weight.
Then I find myself thinking, well maybe I will still be skinny and then everything will okay and I won't have to worry. Let me propose something scary for a moment.....bare with me this could be triggering....what if I'm not skinny? What if I don't have the body that I WANT to have.
Why does my happiness have to be based on my weight all the time. Answer: It doesn't and it shouldn't. ONE of these days, so HELP ME GOD, I have got to learn how to love myself no MATTER what I look like.
My biggest challenge in this regard is going to be learning how to accept my HEALTHY goal weight. This is a weight that I have NEVER been satisfied with and I am terrified of reaching. Even though I know that I am not fat at this weight I still feel like I am. The last time I was near this weight was two years ago after being discharged from the hospital. I was only 2 POUNDS away from the final resting point (hehe, sounds like a cemetary) but I started freaking out and restricted all over again. But this time I can't. I need to learn how to accept and love that weight.
God has made me to be more than just a pretty face or a thin figure.
I need to find that person.
*NOTE* I really want to apologize to anyone if I triggered you towards the end here. Admittedly this is a very hard possibility for me to grasp because I am so body-conscious. But the bottom line is, THIN DOES NOT EQUAL BEAUTY OR WORTHINESS. You are all so much more than your faces or your bodies and that truth shines through in each and every one of your blog lives. I really pray that you can learn to embrace your true selves and love yourselves NO MATTER WHAT.
And don't think for a moment that this is easy for me. There are days when I just want to turn on my heel and run full speed in the WRONG direction. But I have made a commitment to stick to recovery and I am going to continue doing what is right for me. NO MATTER WHAT. And honestly, I don't think that God is going to punish me or anything with a body I am going to hate. I think that He is going to bless me and honor my faithfulness and obedience and give me the body that I NEED and that is GOOD and HEALTHY for me. And maybe it won't look like I want it to look but I think that by the time I get there I will have learned how to accept it.
I'm just posting little revelations that come to me, sometimes more for my good than anything else.
I was also not implying IN ANY WAY that anybody is going to get fat!! Please DO NOT THINK THAT!! I think we all know (deep down) the truth about that one. The main thing is, I know what my goal weight looks like and even though it is not fat, I still think I am. What I meant was, I know that God is going to teach me how to accept my HEALTHY GOAL weight, because I have never done that before.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Hurray for spontaneous posting!!!