Friday, March 6, 2009

A little Steamed

Thursday is a school and as usual my day started bright and early!

This time I actually managed to make it out of the door on time!! Haha! (triumphant laugh) Leaving on time is just one of the things that I am really working on improving. I swear I can never leave to go ANYWHERE at exactly the time I set. I almost always leave at least 5 or 10 minutes later than I planned. So frustrating..UGH!

Toning class was extremely INTENSE!! I swear sometimes I think my teacher is crazy but she is such a doll and so cool to talk to that we really don't mind. We ended up doing a sort of relay-bootcamp race.

We were split up into three teams of 3 (ya pretty small class) and had to run across a sand pit to the other side where we picked up an exercise card out of a huge pile on the ground. After we did our exercise, then we ran back to our team, and either had to do wall sits or squats while we waited.

See?!?! I told you she was crazy!!

I think by the end of the day I did about a million crunches, squats, lunges, jumping jacks, you name it. I am going to be sooooo sore these next couple of days.....But you know what? Even though it was a lot of exercise I was surprised that my body had the energy to just keep going. Believe me, if I was still restricting and starving my body of what it needs, I would have never NEVER survived!!

Movin' on to second period.....

As a part of our study this week on Sexuality (double ugh) we watched a movie about oppression against gays. It was about a killing that was kind of similar to the Matthew Shephard Story. I don't really want to go into much of what it was about because I am very opinionated and Conservative on the whole subject. But I do want to say that I am not necessarily prejudiced against gays, I just have a more of a "love the sinner, hate the sin" kind of approach to the whole thing. Please don't write any angry opinions on this, I am just merely stating my views. Also, lately Mr. W has been kind of irking me. Now that I'm getting to know him a little better I can see that he isn't really the type of guy I am attracted to...even though he's incredibly cute... *(swoon)*. He just seems to be a lot more.....arrogant maybe....and he has a TOTAL disregard for God and Christianity. So--he's just not the guy I want to be with.


After second period I had a lovely lunch hosted in the crumb-laden, luxurious atmosphere of my car. I like to eat by myself for lunch just so that I can have the chance to relax and regain my composure. Plus the one time I ate in the commons one of my guy friends came up to me and made a weird face at the avoCHADO and hummus sandwich that I was eating. Grr....I hate it when people make fun of my food.....


As soon as I finished lunch it was off to Italian. As usual my teacher was MIA. She does this to us at least once a week and is usually about 15 minutes late. Finally we all got tired of just waiting around and decided that at 20 after we were all gonna leave. Hey, she can't count it as an unexcused absence if everybody goes! Well the second, and I mean the SECOND I stepped out the door in comes my teacher, hair askew looking rather frazzled.

"Where are you guys going?" she said. "We have class."

Groaannnnnn.....We trudged back inside. Only a lucky few had managed to make it to safety. Silently I envied them.

But suddenly my teacher ran out the door and began racing through the parking lot trying to catch the other students. She actually ran up to one of the cars as it was pulling out of its parking space and told them to come back to class. It was the funniest sight I have seen all week!! Ahhh, I needed a good laugh.


And now I need to VENT!

After work I went to the gym, had a good work out and came home to relax. It didn't go that way though. As soon as I got home my brother demanded that we watch this comedy DVD. Reluctantly I gave in although I really shouldn't have. I should have stood my ground and said "No darn it!! I want to watch what I want to watch!" Sighh....if only I could be so bold. While we were watching suddenly my dad turns to me and tells me this really crude joke about bulimia that he heard. I'll spare you the details--it still makes me fume. Basically it was some little crack that made light of a very SERIOUS situation.

Excuse my language but, WHAT THE HELL??!!

I couldn't believe how insensitve, ignorant, and downright disrespectful my dad was. I mean, did he not remember that I was in the hospital just 2 years ago??!!! Did he not see the devastating effects of my eating disorder?! And what in the world possessed him to think that I would find the joke funny?!!!

When I heard the punch line I was shocked!! I told him flat out that the joke was not funny AT ALL. Even though I have never struggled with bulimia I was still offended, disgusted and extremely put off. But most of all I was HURT. I was so angry I wanted to say more and really voice my feelings and even hurt him with my words. But I stayed silent. And I fumed for the rest of the night.

This morning I woke up and I was still livid. Although I stayed angry for most of the morning I didn't let on and kept to myself. Eventually I was able to work through it and later on confronted him about the joke.

Basically my dad didn't even realize that it was offensive. He thought that it wasn't about making fun of a serious situation but making fun of the fact that some people view purging as a type of fashion. To give you a little background, basically my dad thinks that eating disorders are willful disobediences to God's law, instead of illnesses. This really makes me angry because I know for a fact that I did NOT wake up one day and think hey I think I am going to disobey God but starving myself and just set out to have an eating disorder. No, my eating disorder actually was borne through a simple well-meaning diet that I started because I was afraid of getting fat and because I wanted to eat healthily. I never restricted purposely or because I wanted to sin. In fact, I didn't even know that is was wrong to have an eating disorder until I was in the hospital. But then again this is my dad's view on a lot of things. He even compared eating disorders to alcholism saying, "what's worse? taking the first drink or the twelfth?" It was only until later on that I realized he was completely WRONG. Alchohol is addicting, an eating disorder is all-consuming. It literally takes control of your mind, contorting your thoughts making you fear any and all types of food. Day after day it harrasses you, whispering in your eat that you are inadequate, lazy, stupid, horrible and deserve to die. It makes your palms sweat at Thanksgiving dinner, your heart race at restaurant outings and relentlessly criticizes every square inch of your body. Suddenly the little amounts of food that you were eating before become too much, too fattening and you become even more fearful, slowly restricting your intake until it eventually has you eating NOTHING!!

That's what an eating disorder is about!!
I'm sorry but this really has me angry!! What are all of your opinions on this?

Here's todays eats!


Overnight Bangin' Banana Oats
I combined 1/2c Oats, 1c Silk Lite Vanilla Soymilk, 1/2 mashed Banana and cinnamon to taste in the fridge overnight. Then in the morning I heated it on the stove until it was nice and creamy and thick and topped it with 6 almonds and 2 crushed Grahams. This is seriously the best bowl of oats I think I have ever had!! It tastes just like a banana-nut muffin and has a very sweet, rich banana flavor. Yum! I also ate it with a Red Prince Apple. These are very tart and tangy but still good!

1/2 Banana
1c Silk Lite Vanilla Soymilk
1 TB Molasses
Blended and then frozen until later.
Along with..
1c Organic Cheerios
6 Almonds

2 Slices No Salt Bread
1 Amy's Bistro Burger
3 oz Sliced Tofu on the sandwich with the burger
2 TB Hummus
Cascade Cherry Yogurt, frozen (my new obsession)

Lemon Larabar (my absolute FAVORITE!! I love how the lemon is tart yet still sweet at the same time. I'm a sucka for lemons. I used to eat them raw when I was little. Sometimes I still do).

Dinner will be

Egg Omelette with
1/2c Allwhites
Tomatoes, Chives and Nutritional Yeast to taste (not counted in because they are insignificant amounts of food. Oh yea, ED, you heard me right!)
Grain (maybe some peas?)
Dinner Roll w/
1 TB Peanut Butter

Milk (don't know what kind yet...I'm debating over Skim or Silk. The thing is if I do Silk I will be .5 satieties over my meal plan, which is not that big of a deal really, REALLY, but still...I know that it's pretty much pointless worrying about it cuz I need to gain weight (which I am starting to see--more on that later :)
and my dietician will probably up my meal plan again next week...Ugh.....)

Allrighty then!! I hope you girls have a good night!! After work I am going to go to a Young Life Meeting. I'm pretty excited about it because I will get to work with and maybe counsel some youth. Then afterwards I'm sposed to go to a Twilight screening with my friends. Has anyone seen it yet? It actually looks like a good movie.

Love and hugs to you all!


Burp and Slurp~! March 7, 2009 at 8:23 AM  

oh dear, I hear you. it sucks that your dad can't understand the complexities of an eating disorder. but maybe you can slowly talk to him about it, and also let him know that you are TRYING to recover, and that he needs to be patient with you.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow....

Elle March 7, 2009 at 8:21 PM  

I'm sorry that your dad was so insensitive about the joke that he told. It is really upsetting, and I don't blame you for reacting the way you did (I actually give you huge props for the way you handled the situation; you can really keep your cool). Personally, I don't really understand how anyone could think that an eating disorder is a willful disobedience of God. Yes, we're supposed to honor our bodies...but eating disorders don't really exist in and of themselves; they tend to be a symptom of other things that are causing us anxiety/pain/trouble in our lives. I think this is one of the reasons that we can use prayer and try to build our relationship with God during our recovery - asking him for help with the issues that triggered the development of the disorder.

I really hope your dad can be understanding/supportive of you in your recovery. Lots of Hugs.

Jaime March 9, 2009 at 8:54 PM  

hey girl! so sorry that youve been havin a rough little patch. i know it can be very hard when it all comes at once like this.

on a brighter note i just wanna say that i think you are doing amazing with your eats girl! i remember telling you that i thought you were improving and now its like WOW-- your eats, your attitude towards it-- youa re just really doing so well girl. so proud of you