Hi guys!! As you could probably tell I have taken a bit of a break from blogging and stuff. It's not that I'm struggling or anything like poor Kiki (my heart goes out to you girl!!), it's mostly that I've been feeling rather....confused....lately.
I've actually been doing extremely well as far as the eats have gone. The only tough thing right now is meal planning. I'm always very anal when it comes to planning my meals and always feel like I HAVE to have variety all of the time and only eat certain combinations of food and I always feel so...inadequate if I don't eat new and exciting foods everyday.
But I HAVE been challenging myself quite a bit.
In the past week or so I have managed to successfully conquer peas and corn products and eating a nighttime snack! Can I get a Whoot-Whoot!! I've also discovered a new found love for polenta! Mmmmmm.....polenta!
My next challenge is potatoes, and raw corn!
Still working on the sugar issues though....
My brain has been going around and around and around, working SUPER overtime lately trying to figure a lot of things out.
**Have you ever felt like you don't have an ED? That's what I feel like. I feel like I never even had an ED and was just trying to have one. But then I realize that this is crazy whenever I think about how I was in the depths of my ED. Even then I had trouble believing that I had an ED. I felt that I ate too much and weighed too much (even though I didn't). But looking back I realize that this was EXTREMELY DISTORTED THINKING!! In fact my thinking was so distorted that I was convinced the other girls in the EDU would think that I didn't belong there. Haha...sure ED..sure....
I think this is a great fear for most ED sufferers--the fear of NOT BEING RECOGNIZED OR ACKNOWLEGED. After all, isn't that exactly the reason why we flaunt our skeletons and show off our bones? I know I did.
I also had a bad string of doctors pre-diagnosis who didn't believe that I had an ED. One doctor denied that I was sick even though I refused to eat certain foods and was losing weight. My main doctor at the EDU even acted like I was some sort of lazy, fatso because I didn't overexercise. He actually told me that I needed to regulate my exercise more!! So then of course I thought that I need to exercise more or else I'm not "healthy" or whatever. This is probably why I'm so DARN OBSESSED with exercise today!! Stupid doctor...grrrr......
**I think I am losing my identity in the ED itself. Sometimes I honestly don't feel afraid of food anymore, even foods that I normally would have been before. Like I'll look at like a piece of chocolate or something and think about how easy it would be to just take a bite, chew and swallow. But I don't because I'm still afraid. But I'm not really afraid of the food itself I think I'm afraid of how I'll react. What if taking that bite causes me to totally freak out and spiral back down again? I definitely don't want that. I'll said it before and I'll say it again--I am committed to this recovery, and I am in this for the LONG HAUL!
But then another, even scarier thought comes to mind, what if I don't panic. What if I'm completely okay with eating that slice of pizza or that square of chocolate? Is this a good thing? Isn't this where we are supposed to be? Why am I so afraid to lose my ED?
**I haven't had ANY urges to restrict which is very weird for me. But then again when I look back over the past year I realize that I am forgetting about the long process that it took to get to that point. And boy did I work hard!!!
**I'm not worried about gaining weight. (MEGA SUPER ULTRA MACHO GASP!!!) This is weird in and of itself. But then again I have accepted the fact that I need to gain weight so I don't freak out if I have a little bit more. BUT the weight hasn't started to show yet so I'm a little nervous about that part. I know I can handle that part because I've been there before but maintenance is another story. Maintenance is uncharted territory and I am petrified about getting there. Sometimes I wish that I had more weight to gain so the distance between my current weight and maintenance weight was a lot farther.
**I'm starting to see her more frequently. Me. The real me. The me, sub rosa, who has been choked by the constricting chains of this eating disorder for far too long. The me that needs to gain weight. And whenever I see this true reflection of myself, I am almost disgusted. I don't look healthy. My face looks gaunt, my eyes are sunken in, and I can see the tendons in my jaw when I smile. Yea...not pretty.
**I've been battling some really strong urges to binge. Like whenever I finish eating I never feel full so I always want to eat more. Even if I've had a filling meal, I always want to eat more. And I feel so GUILTY for this!! I feel like, "You expletive expletive!! How dare you say that you have an ED! You always want to eat more so that means you don't!" Usually I hold myself off from eating more or just leave the room because I'm afraid of eating out of control. You see before my ED I was like a bottomless pit. I never felt full which was probably due to my high metabolism. This was one of the reasons that I started restricting in the first place. I guess I'm just afraid of being like that again (normal) because I really hated my body then (even though it was perfectly fine).
**Sometimes I worry that I hold off from indulging in more food because I'm more afraid of losing my ED than I am afraid of gaining weight. But once again, I NEED TO LET GO!!!
I also had another HUGE revelation this week! I love these :)
Are you ready?
I am no longer afraid of eating.
When I realized this it nearly knocked me off of my crazy, cute polka-dotted socks.
I used to be so fearful of eating my next meal, especially at the EDU, and HATED the idea of putting anything other than vegetables and fruit into my mouth.
I think it is amazing that I have reached this point. Despite all of my craziness, maybe I am really farther in recovery than I realized....:)
WOw! I can't believe how much blogging has relieved my stress. Before I was thinking that I was going crazy, but getting all of my thoughts down in writing has really helped.
On a side note I have decided two things
1. I am no longer going to refer to foods as low or high calorie. Calories are now ENERGY. So now if I talk about foods it will be low-ENERGY or high-ENERGY. If you really think about it, this is what a calorie really is, and if we subsist of off low-ENERGY foods we are not going to have enough ENERGY to live. I think that if we adopt this mindset it will help us to have a better, healthier relationship with food.
2. For the sake of those that are currently struggling as well as for others I have decided not to post the AMOUNTS of my food anymore. Even though this is how I calculate my food, I don't think it's fair to make others compare their food to mine. And some sick part of my ED wanted others to know how little I was eating. So I EARNESTLY appologize if I have triggered any of you.
Love and hugs to you all and know that.....I just prayed for you!