Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Ugh...My Brain Hurts

Hi guys!! As you could probably tell I have taken a bit of a break from blogging and stuff. It's not that I'm struggling or anything like poor Kiki (my heart goes out to you girl!!), it's mostly that I've been feeling rather....confused....lately.

I've actually been doing extremely well as far as the eats have gone. The only tough thing right now is meal planning. I'm always very anal when it comes to planning my meals and always feel like I HAVE to have variety all of the time and only eat certain combinations of food and I always feel so...inadequate if I don't eat new and exciting foods everyday.

But I HAVE been challenging myself quite a bit.
In the past week or so I have managed to successfully conquer peas and corn products and eating a nighttime snack! Can I get a Whoot-Whoot!! I've also discovered a new found love for polenta! Mmmmmm.....polenta!
My next challenge is potatoes, and raw corn!
Still working on the sugar issues though....

My brain has been going around and around and around, working SUPER overtime lately trying to figure a lot of things out.

Just a warning, this is going to sound pretty twisted. And a lot of it is pretty deep.

**Have you ever felt like you don't have an ED? That's what I feel like. I feel like I never even had an ED and was just trying to have one. But then I realize that this is crazy whenever I think about how I was in the depths of my ED. Even then I had trouble believing that I had an ED. I felt that I ate too much and weighed too much (even though I didn't). But looking back I realize that this was EXTREMELY DISTORTED THINKING!! In fact my thinking was so distorted that I was convinced the other girls in the EDU would think that I didn't belong there. Haha...sure ED..sure....

I think this is a great fear for most ED sufferers--the fear of NOT BEING RECOGNIZED OR ACKNOWLEGED. After all, isn't that exactly the reason why we flaunt our skeletons and show off our bones? I know I did.

I also had a bad string of doctors pre-diagnosis who didn't believe that I had an ED. One doctor denied that I was sick even though I refused to eat certain foods and was losing weight. My main doctor at the EDU even acted like I was some sort of lazy, fatso because I didn't overexercise. He actually told me that I needed to regulate my exercise more!! So then of course I thought that I need to exercise more or else I'm not "healthy" or whatever. This is probably why I'm so DARN OBSESSED with exercise today!! Stupid doctor...grrrr......

**I think I am losing my identity in the ED itself. Sometimes I honestly don't feel afraid of food anymore, even foods that I normally would have been before. Like I'll look at like a piece of chocolate or something and think about how easy it would be to just take a bite, chew and swallow. But I don't because I'm still afraid. But I'm not really afraid of the food itself I think I'm afraid of how I'll react. What if taking that bite causes me to totally freak out and spiral back down again? I definitely don't want that. I'll said it before and I'll say it again--I am committed to this recovery, and I am in this for the LONG HAUL!

But then another, even scarier thought comes to mind, what if I don't panic. What if I'm completely okay with eating that slice of pizza or that square of chocolate? Is this a good thing? Isn't this where we are supposed to be? Why am I so afraid to lose my ED?

**I haven't had ANY urges to restrict which is very weird for me. But then again when I look back over the past year I realize that I am forgetting about the long process that it took to get to that point. And boy did I work hard!!!

**I'm not worried about gaining weight. (MEGA SUPER ULTRA MACHO GASP!!!) This is weird in and of itself. But then again I have accepted the fact that I need to gain weight so I don't freak out if I have a little bit more. BUT the weight hasn't started to show yet so I'm a little nervous about that part. I know I can handle that part because I've been there before but maintenance is another story. Maintenance is uncharted territory and I am petrified about getting there. Sometimes I wish that I had more weight to gain so the distance between my current weight and maintenance weight was a lot farther.

**I'm starting to see her more frequently. Me. The real me. The me, sub rosa, who has been choked by the constricting chains of this eating disorder for far too long. The me that needs to gain weight. And whenever I see this true reflection of myself, I am almost disgusted. I don't look healthy. My face looks gaunt, my eyes are sunken in, and I can see the tendons in my jaw when I smile. Yea...not pretty.

**I've been battling some really strong urges to binge. Like whenever I finish eating I never feel full so I always want to eat more. Even if I've had a filling meal, I always want to eat more. And I feel so GUILTY for this!! I feel like, "You expletive expletive!! How dare you say that you have an ED! You always want to eat more so that means you don't!" Usually I hold myself off from eating more or just leave the room because I'm afraid of eating out of control. You see before my ED I was like a bottomless pit. I never felt full which was probably due to my high metabolism. This was one of the reasons that I started restricting in the first place. I guess I'm just afraid of being like that again (normal) because I really hated my body then (even though it was perfectly fine).

**Sometimes I worry that I hold off from indulging in more food because I'm more afraid of losing my ED than I am afraid of gaining weight. But once again, I NEED TO LET GO!!!

I also had another HUGE revelation this week! I love these :)
Are you ready?

I am no longer afraid of eating.
When I realized this it nearly knocked me off of my crazy, cute polka-dotted socks.
I used to be so fearful of eating my next meal, especially at the EDU, and HATED the idea of putting anything other than vegetables and fruit into my mouth.

I think it is amazing that I have reached this point. Despite all of my craziness, maybe I am really farther in recovery than I realized....:)

WOw! I can't believe how much blogging has relieved my stress. Before I was thinking that I was going crazy, but getting all of my thoughts down in writing has really helped.

On a side note I have decided two things

1. I am no longer going to refer to foods as low or high calorie. Calories are now ENERGY. So now if I talk about foods it will be low-ENERGY or high-ENERGY. If you really think about it, this is what a calorie really is, and if we subsist of off low-ENERGY foods we are not going to have enough ENERGY to live. I think that if we adopt this mindset it will help us to have a better, healthier relationship with food.

2. For the sake of those that are currently struggling as well as for others I have decided not to post the AMOUNTS of my food anymore. Even though this is how I calculate my food, I don't think it's fair to make others compare their food to mine. And some sick part of my ED wanted others to know how little I was eating. So I EARNESTLY appologize if I have triggered any of you.

Love and hugs to you all and know that.....I just prayed for you!


tinyirishdancer March 10, 2009 at 7:02 PM  

Your posts always resonate in such a powerful way.
I can identify with SO MUCH here.

The fear of not being acknowledged I think was a major factor behind my hospitalization. Because, if I never reached that low, I felt that people wouldn't realize how seriously ill I was.

Unfortunately, I still look back on that time to "validate" my eating disorder. To show myself that yes, I was recognized as anorexic by trained professionals. It's sick, and I wish I had never let myself go that far.

I can't believe how those doctors treated you! Stoopid quacks. So many of them have no CLUE about EDs. =/

Oh, and to answer your question: YOU aren't afraid of losing ED. HE is afraid of losing you. And yes, it is a VERY good thing to be completely fine with chocolate. Because:
1)Chocolate is 'licious.
2)Normal people eat it, no problem.
3)Chocolate is 'licious.

Ahh. You inspire me, chica. Your revelations? Pure.awesomeness.

Hee. And "energy" sounds MUCH better than "calorie".
Morgan eats lotsa energy, so she can HAVE lotsa energy. =]

Okay. Rambling over.

I hope you're having a lovely evening! Much <3's, chica!

dancelikenooneiswatching March 11, 2009 at 4:30 AM  

so glad you are realsing you are further in recovery than you first thought and so proud of you...Yay for not fearing food!
I love the low energy high energy idea! xx

Kiki March 11, 2009 at 11:52 AM  

Awww thank you!

I can completely relate to this post! I think one of the things that pushed my ED so far was not believing that I actually had an ED. People would stop and stare at me in public because I looked so skeletal, but I invented other reasons why they're look at me. "They think I'm fat, they're staring at my fat, undefined legs!"

I agree with Morgan, ED is just trying to cling onto you by making you feel like you should be guilty over that chocolate. But you definitely shouldn't, because you've been dragged down by ED for too long and deserve to enjoy yourself!

Have a wonderful day!

Sarah W March 11, 2009 at 6:34 PM  

This was an AMAZING post--you are so insightful! I can also identify with you, especially with never feeling full and finally seeing myself as I really am... it sure is nice to know I'm not alone and I'm not COMPLETELY crazy!

So since you're working on eating potatoes again, I thought this might help...

Nutritionally, potatoes are best known for their carbohydrate content (approximately 26 grams in a medium potato). The predominant form of this carbohydrate is starch. A small but significant portion of this starch is resistant to digestion by enzymes in the stomach and small intestine, and so reaches the large intestine essentially intact. This resistant starch is considered to have similar physiological effects and health benefits as fiber: it provides bulk, offers protection against colon cancer, improves glucose tolerance and insulin sensitivity, lowers plasma cholesterol and triglyceride concentrations, increases satiety, and possibly even reduces fat storage (Cummings et al. 1996; Hylla et al. 1998; Raban et al. 1994). The amount of resistant starch in potatoes depends much on preparation methods. Cooking and then cooling potatoes significantly increases resistant starch. For example, cooked potato starch contains about 7% resistant starch, which increases to about 13% upon cooling (Englyst et al. 1992).

Potatoes contain vitamins and minerals that have been identified as vital to human nutrition. Humans can subsist healthily on a diet of potatoes and milk; the latter supplies Vitamin A and Vitamin D.[22]A medium potato (150g/5.3 oz) with the skin provides 27 mg of vitamin C (45% of the Daily Value (DV)), 620 mg of potassium (18% of DV), 0.2 mg vitamin B6 (10% of DV) and trace amounts of thiamin, riboflavin, folate, niacin, magnesium, phosphorus, iron, and zinc. Moreover, the fiber content of a potato with skin (2 grams) equals that of many whole grain breads, pastas, and cereals. Potatoes also contain an assortment of phytochemicals, such as carotenoids and polyphenols. The notion that "all of the potato's nutrients" are found in the skin is an urban legend. While the skin does contain approximately half of the total dietary fiber, more than 50% of the nutrients are found within the potato itself. The cooking method used can significantly impact the nutrient availability of the potato.

Almost all the protein content of a potato is contained in a thin layer just under its skin.[citation needed] This is evident when the skin of a boiled potato is carefully peeled; it appears as a yellowish film. For maximum utilisation of this small, but valuable dietary source of protein, potatoes should be consumed whole, or peeled after cooking.

Potatoes are often broadly classified as high on the glycemic index (GI) and so are often excluded from the diets of individuals trying to follow a "low GI" eating regimen. In fact, the GI of potatoes can vary considerably depending on type (such as red, russet, white, or Prince Edward), origin (where it was grown), preparation methods (i.e., cooking method, whether it is eaten hot or cold, whether it is mashed or cubed or consumed whole, etc), and with what it is consumed (i.e., the addition of various high fat or high protein toppings) (Fernandes et al. 2006).
Source: Wikipedia

Good luck! And thank you SO MUCH for blogging!

Sheena March 12, 2009 at 9:58 AM  

OK, I am going to try and post this for a second time.

I just wanted to say how powerful and inspiring your post was. There are so many ideas and feelings in here that I completely sympathize with.

I constantly feel like I am not sick enough or don't suffer enough with my ED. I am not under-weight at all so I worry that people won't think I need help. I have my first appt with a new ED- focused psychistrist today and my first nutritionist appt next Tuesday. I worry so much that they will look at me and think I don't really have an ED.

Also, I love the idea of replacing the word "calorie" with the word "energy." Our society has given the word "calorie" a negative connotation, but "energy" is coneected with life, movement, revitalization. It's great.

I am glad you got all of your thoughts down and de-stressed a bit. Take Care sweets!