Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I'm Back!!

Ello ladies. I appologize for the absence. I told you in the beginning that continuing one of these things was very hard for me. I think its because I'm afraid of judgement and I get intimidated by all of this writing. I'm a good writer but I often write too much. Waaaay too much. Also, I often feel nervous when I socialize in general, not just because of ED. I've dealt with this since I was a little girl. I would get nervous calling people on the phone or hanging out at a friends house. Sometimes I would just avoid it altogether. But thankfully now that I'm older I realize that this has made me very lonely and I love going out for a good night on the town. So if you see me being absent for a long while, knock me upside the head because I've probably scared myself off. But I need this blogging community and I need to keep socializing. It's good for me.

Anyways this week was pretty eventful.

On Sunday I made the huge decision to get baptised. This was such a life-changing moment, one that I'll never forget. It was very "of God." You see, back in November or December I was planning on getting baptised but nothing quite worked out. My dad wasn't able to come, half of my family was missing, and to be completely honest, my heart just wasn't ready. I felt more obligated to get baptised than anything. In no way was I ready to give my whole life over to God. But on Sunday, I was ready. I wanted to trust God with my life, I wanted to give my all over to Him, and I wanted to surrender my eating disorder over to Him. I can't even tell you how many affirmations He has given me lately, that have utterly confirmed that my decision was the right one. Amazing. And so, on Sunday, I barried my sins. Let all the believers rejoice!!

After Sunday my week got pretty crazy. Lately my mind has been kind of freaking out on me. Half of the time I feel very forgetful and experience weird episodes where it's almost like I have premature Alzheimers. It's very...unsettling....and I was just wondering if anybody else has experienced stuff like this. My nutritionist said that irrational thinking is pretty common until my body starts remending itself and gets up to a healthy weight. I also might be tired but I am still kind of worried. Would GREATLY appreciate some prayer from my fellow believers.

Lately I've also been feeling depressed because I have NOTHING to DO!!! Since I share a car with my brother, at least 3 days of the week I'm stuck at home with nothing but my brain, my ED, and a whole lot of nothing. Did I mention nothing? It can get pretty maddening. Soooo I've decided to organize a new system for myself where I have scheduled activities like cleaning and homework and stuff. Otherwise I pretty much procrastinate. That way I won't feel so lazy and my day will be a lot more productive. PLUS I'll get more of my homework done and won't have to stay up so late!! Tomorrow is my first day on the "job." Wish me luck.

In other news ED has been kind of quiet. This kind of scares me still. Sometimes I really don't want my ED to leave and I worry when things are too easy. Like I worry that its gone because I a part of me is still holding on to it.
But wait?
Isn't this is a good thing?
Why should I be worried that my ED is silent?
I should be rejoicing!!
I should be relishing the times where I have ED-free days and embracing my life on that day!!
I should be whooping it up!! Dancing and singing and laughing until my sides hurt!!
This is a time to rediscover myself!! To grow and live and scale new heights!!
This is where I need to start accepting that recovery is a good thing.
And I am NOT going to let ED try to convince me otherwise.
Here's the eats for today!
1/2c Oatmeal
1/2c Pumpkin
1 Banana
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla
No Snack because of school, but I still made my numbers :)
Lunch (eaten in the car outside of campus)
2 Slices No-Salt Bread
1 oz AvoCHADO!
2 TB Hummus
Veggies yum yum yum
Sliced Pear
Fage 0%
Serving of Annie's Honey Bunnies (crumbled in the Fage of course!)
Stonyfield Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt mixed with
1 TB Cocoa Powder (so delicious, I cannot give it up)
1 Wheetabix
1 c Kashi Puffs
12 Almonds
1/2c Applesauce
Almond Milk
Egg White Omelette with Tomatoes
1/2c Edamame
Veggies YUMYUMYUM!!!
Sliced Pear
Kashi TLC Pumpkin Pie Bar
Yes I challenged myself with an evening snack!! It really wasn't that hard!! I just had to push myself to do it. On the drive home from the rec center I was debating whether to eat it or not cuz nine is still pretty late. But when I came home I wasn't gonna let myself back out. I promptly marched over to the freezer, grabbed my snack and sat down on the couch to eat it! And it was pretty dern good!
Frozen Cascade Strawberry Yogurt
Okay I just have to mention one more thing:
I. Am. In. A. Cooking. RUT!!!
For the life of me I cannot cook!! The other day I tried making fluted egg muffin cups (like on Kiki's blog) but they ended up more like sad, deflated souffles. So sad. So I always end up making the same things everyday. I just don't know how to do variety!
I would LOVE it if you all sent me some ideas, recipes, ANYTHING, cuz I am just lost!! Thanks!!
Well I'm off to sleep. Sleep is good. ZZZzzzz....


Anonymous March 3, 2009 at 10:41 PM  

hey! wow you sound pretty similar to me! i have social anxiety and even when i was little i was afraid to do stuff like answering the phone or the door. i'm not really as much anymore, but i still worry wayyy too much about what other people are thinking about me. i agree that actually doing what you're scared of makes things easier b/c you get more used to it. if we didn't, we wouldn't grow.. we would just stay stuck.

thats awesome about church i was just confirmed to mine about a year ago. :)

i sometimes worry about something being wrong with my brain too. after my last relapse i started to notice i wasn't thinking the same. i was starting to think i was going brain dead. it still seems that way sometimes. i'm hoping that as i get healthier, that will start to return to normal. when i was in treatment a few years ago, they told me that if you are below a certain weight, your brain isn't able to function properly (esp cognitive thinking) & that's why therapy isn't really effective until you're healthy. your brain is also composed mainly of fat and uses lots of glucose so it's understandable that it functions better when you're at a better weight. i bet as you continue recovery things will get better. just give it time. :)

that is so awesome about not hearing that ed voice as much!! i know what you mean about that feeling scary though! but you're right, recovery is DEFINITELY a good thing! :)

Jaime March 4, 2009 at 5:46 AM  

hey girl! glad you are back in action :) so proud of you for having that late night snack- i know how challenging it can be-- YOU DID IT!!! you are doing amazing girl

emilydh211 March 4, 2009 at 6:57 AM  

congrats on being baptized. that is so awesome girl! :)

Kiki March 4, 2009 at 11:42 AM  

Glad you're back! Trust me, everyone who reads you blog is noticing the awesome things you say, not the flaws of your writing.

I think making a schedule for yourself is a good idea. I always try to keep myself occupied with puzzles and such so negative thoughts don't creep in.

Sorry my mini quiche-y things didn't work! Did you use foil cups to line the muffin tin and spray them? I was thinking of adding an egg white or two the next time to help them rise more.

Have a great day!

tinyirishdancer March 4, 2009 at 3:40 PM  

Hun, don't 'pologize for not writing! We'll luff ya no matter how much you write. =]

Wow! Congrats on getting baptized! From what I hear, it can give you such a great feeling of starting afresh.

Hmm. As for being forgetful - when you go through a crisis, like an ED, your brain tries to protect you by blocking things out. Also, a malnourished brain doesn't think the same. Since its basic focus is to find food, and survive, everything else decreases in importance.
Moral of the story is: Stay strong! The further you come along in recovery, the easier it gets.

Yay for evening snacks! Fro-yo is my poison. Oh, and I'm just starting to get the hang of cooking, too. So far, I've had success with things like breakfast foods (simple, quick, easy).
I'll sendja some recipes if I come across anything amazing!

Hope you're having a lovely Wednesday - take care and much <3's!!

Anonymous March 5, 2009 at 4:24 PM  

thank you so much for the comment. it is such a relief to know that you and i are not going through this alone. my main prayer in the long run is to be grateful for this gift that God has given me, this body and this life. i need to learn how to love my body and be nice to it, not abuse it. we can do this!