Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm a Mad Mad Mad Mad Girl

Yea, that pretty much sums it up. So today ED really had it in for me and made me feel just awful and depressed for most of the day. I am really having a hard time with eating a sensible amount for my body, because I am still afraid of putting on excess weight when I get to my maintenace point. I feel like I totally screwed up my body by not trusting it and by not trusting God and sending my body spiraling downward again after gaining in IP. Now my body has a higher body fat percentage even at a low weight and I'm just really anxious and worried about gaining because of this. I really feel that I just need to lose it all so that I can start over again and not have this huge cloud of dread hanging over my head.

BUT this wouldn't be such a big problem if I could just learn to love my body, curves or no curves. I'm trying though, and it's a long, long, LONG, hard road.

So I internalized this sadness today by being mad. I went to the rec center and I was mad, and I madly worked up a mad sweat in all my madness and then I glared at the attendants as I left. (dark chuckle)

Then I drove home and I was even madder because this stupid car in front of me was speeding, and "why can't the cops ever pull over the ones who are doing 10-over instead of picking on the ones who only just coast over the speed limit."

When I got home, I made some mad French Toast, with mad eggs because I've realized that it was stupid trying to go vegetarian (no offense to the veggies out there, really) and that cutting back this drastically was just another foothold for my ED.

Then I drove to my college and was mad the whole way there because I swear I hit about every single red light and this DATS truck was starting to creep up on my bumper. And I wanted to hit my brakes--madly of course--but then I thought it over and rationalized that doing so would be incredibly stupid and he would just quash me into a mad little puddle anyways. And that would not be good, seeing as how I do not want to die.

At my college I was incredibly bummed to find that the total cost for my books would ammount to about 300 someodd dollars. And yes, this intensified my madness. Seeing that I still had a little time to spare I bee-bopped on over to King Soopahs for a Fage 0% high protein yogurt for my dinner tonight. And after wasting some time there--in a mad hurry mind you--I drove back home.

And then I was late for work. And I was mad. And then I found out that I hadn't entered this new customer's information correctly. But that made me sad instead of mad. And then when the kids came in I was afraid that I was going to explode into either a million tears or blow my top clean off, but then one of the kids came over to me and he started pretending that his hand was a puppet and put on a cute little, kiddie show. And I couldn't help but smile. A big, long, tired smile that had gone into hiding earlier this morning. And it felt good.

But Tuesday was awesome. We did a fitness test for my weight training class and I actually did pretty good. Everyone was supposed to complete a series of pushups and crunches for two minutes without stopping once to hold the pose, or rest. If we stopped, game over. Well, I would have never guessed it, but this little scrawny girl with twigs for arms completed 36 pushups and 49 crunches (boo ya baby! I guess I'm not so weak afterall!)

Tomorrow we are supposed to do the mile run--OUTSIDE. We would've done it on Tuesday but the wind was a-blowing, and the sky was a-snowing, and I was NOT about to freeze. So we're going to do it on Thursday instead. I'm half praying that it'll snow so we don't have to, but our teacher said the temp. has to be at least 30 degrees for good running weather. Wish me luck!

Literature class was boring and seemed really complicated so I think (scratch that) I am going to switch out and take Italian Language 1 instead. I'm pretty excited for this class because my heritage is mainly Italian and I have relatives who live in Italy. Some day I'm going to go visit them...

But I liked Sociology class and I do not want to drop this one. This is because..........


He is really cute and seems smart and has these totally amazing hazel colored guys and the kindest smile. I sat right behind him. He kept turning to me and talking to me during our assignment and even invited me to demonstrate our findings on the board. At first I thought that he was just being kind, but then he kept looking at me. My brain was like, "No way, is this for real? No way! This guy is actually smiling at me. At me!" And I didn't even think I looked that great because I didn't take off my coat and my face was red from being outside in the cold air.

The only problem is that I don't yet know his name.....

Anways, thanks for allowing me to vent a little girls. I really appologize if what I wrote was triggering to anybody. Please know that I never, NEVER, N E V E R, ever mean to do that.

Here's my eats!

1/4 c cooked oatmeal mixed with
1 c Kashi Puffs and some cinnamon (interesting combo)
1 TB Peanut Butter
Cascade Lemon Yogurt
Granny Smith Apple

French Toast made w/
1/2 c Liquid Allwhites
2 slices No Salt Bread
2 TB Silk Lite Plain
Assorted Veggies
2 TB Hummus
About a cup of Silk Lite Plain
Small Pink Lady Apple (i think it was pink lady)

No snack today :( I gave in to ED

Fage 0%
1 TB Peanut Butter
2 Wheetabix biscuits
2 small clementines
Assorted veggies

See ya guys tomorrow--hopefully with my mystery man's name!


Anonymous January 29, 2009 at 4:54 AM  

Sorry ED made you feel so angry yesterday. We all have days like that, and there's no reason to let ED in for them. But there's a silver cloud on every lining! Case in point, the guy :]

Hope today goes better.

Jaime January 31, 2009 at 1:59 PM  

hey girl! i'm sorry you had kind of a blahhh day but you know what? just keep movin forward like you are doing! i know it's hard to keep "gaining" but it's what your body NEEDS! you are doing so well. have a great day