Monday, January 19, 2009

Look Out! She's Gonna Blow!

Hear that screeching sound? That's my brain shutting down because I am super anxious about tomorrow. Tuesday marks the first day back to school in over a month (ya gotta love college breaks) and I'm worried that I won't be able to hold my ground. School is a huge stress issue for me and demands a lot of my time, energy, and sanity at times. Not to mention the fact that I have to "up and at 'em" at the unholy hour of 6:00 in the morning.

This semester I worked a gym class into my schedule so that I wouldn't be so anxious about exercising all of the time. I know that this is just feeding this part of ED but I really can't trust myself to eat if I don't exercise. But what I'm really worried about is the fact that this is a Strengthening and Toning class, not the Circuit Training class like I wanted. I tried to get into the latter but I wouldn't have been able to take a good course load and I really just want to get my butt out of this Community College and MOVE ON!!!

Anyways, I'm afraid that all this toning and stuff is going to make me really bulky and too muscular and I won't be skinny anymore. It's kind of a stupid fear I know, but tonight when I was working out I almost broke down in tears because of my legs. They feel and look huge, and I just wish that I hadn't inherited my mother's thick ankles and big calves. And I fear that if I start to become too anxious about getting bigger that I will start restricting again.

At least I do want to get better though...somewhat.
BTW I really appreciate all of the supportive and kind comments that I have been getting. You gals are O-MAZE-ING!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack a massive cooler of food for my lunch, snack, and dinner tomorrow seeing as how I won't get home until after work.


Burp~! January 20, 2009 at 6:44 AM  

I'm kind of the same way about exercise...if I don't work out, I find it incredibly hard to eat. need to make a breakthrough in this...
but I hope you have a great school year!