Saturday, January 24, 2009

I've Been Had!!!

That's right!! I've been had--by my own eating disorder!!! I tell you I am so mad right now that I am FUMING! Here's the story:

For a while now, about a couple of weeks, I have been really really nervous about my body and about the whole prospect of regaining weight again. I have lost about 5 or 6 pounds since last year, and still need about 10 more to reach a healthy weight. So, somewhere along the lines I started restricting and cutting back on meals and certain foods and exercising a little bit more. At first I was like, why am I doing this? This is stupid, I should just stop. But the more and more I did it, the harder it got to stop. Well the reason why I am apprehensive about gaining weight is because I believe and often feel that my body is bigger than it was before at the same weight. So, I felt that if I were to keep gaining weight, my body would just keep expanding and end up being bigger than it had ever been before....

So you can understand my fear.

As a result I have been constantly comparing my body now to how it was before and freaking out and thinking that I was fat and that I should be waaaay smaller for the low weight that I am at. BUT!! The other day I was looking up some of my old doctor's records from when I was released from the EDU. And do you know what I found??????

I found calculations that detailed my various stages of weight gain during those few months.

That's right, I found out how much I weighed after I was released.

This has always bothered me because I have a faulty memory (thanks a lot ED) and was never sure exactly what weight I was released at. So, this morning I pulled out the information and compared it to my personal list of measurements that I took of my body. I know I know, very ED like, but for some reason I just wanted to record it all to remember it.

Guess what? The measurements of my body now, match the weight that I was 2 years ago. Do you know what that means?


I couldn't believe how sneaky this little creep was that he could just slink into my life, AGAIN, and pull the wool over my eyes. This completely changes everything now. I am not as scared of gaining weight, because I know that my body is not going to gain excess inches. I still don't like the weight gain part though, so it is going to take some work....

This just goes to show how conniving, devious, and sick our ED's are. They can ensnare us even when we think that life is going great. Keep fighting girls!! We can do this!!