Weighed Down...by Fear

Emotionally speaking, today has not been a very good day. I feel like either my ED is trying to push itself back into my life, or I want to have it back in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am purposely trying to be anorexic again because I miss having that comfort in being so skinny. This sounds crazy, I know, but I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this before. I know that it is terribly wrong to want to go back to being emaciated and skeletal and so painfully cold all the time, but I am just having a hard time accepting my body where it currently is right now. I'm not exactly underweight (my BMI says that I am in the 18-19) range, but for my height (I am a tall 5'9) the doctors want me to put on at least 15 pounds. Plus, I am only 10 pounds away from my weight in IP. Ugh!! This sounds absolutely ridiculous even writing it out! It's like part of me is convinced that I don't have a problem while the other part of me is arguing that I still do. I am torn between the two sides. ED vs. Me. This is absolutely maddening.

I just feel a little confused, because from what I remember for the weight that I am at right now I was skinnier before. I'm also a little more muscly because I have been working out. This is kind of my big soap-box type rant, so forgive me for complaining about it too much. So, the long and short of it, is that I am just plain scared to gain weight because I am afraid I will be even bigger than I was before.

Anyways, that's what's on my mind right now. On to the happy!

So, last night I went ice skating with a couple of my friends from church! It was a blast! Although the ice rink was in terrible shape and was overrun with little kids, I managed to stay off of my butt the entire time! There was this one close call though, where all of a sudden this girl skidded right in front of my friend. My stopped abruptly to avoid hitting the girl, but I noticed too late that I wasn't going to be able to avoid hitting her. Scared that we were both going to be knocked down like a couple of bowling pins, I grabbed her to hold us both up! For a while we teetered madly, but thankfully didn't fall over! I am so glad that I went!!

Here's my eats for the day. Bare in mind that I'm not quite ready to step out of my comfort zone just yet.

Breakfast
1 cup Vanilla Lite Soymilk
1 Wheetabix biscuit
1 cup Kashi Puffs
1 TB Peanut Butter
1 small apple

Lunch
2 Slices Alverado St. No Salt Multi-grain Bread (seriously like the best bread ever! I found this beauty when I was in my fear-of-salt stage. The texture is amazing and tastes like bread should: nutty, and soft, and good. I can taste every grain in there and the crust is the best part! Although I have tried other salted versions and have mostly conquered my fear of salt, I just can't part with this bread! It is too good!)

6 oz tofu mixed with 1 TB tomato paste and dried chives (heated on the stove)
1 small apple
3/4 cup, assorted veggies and 2 small mushrooms

Snack
6 oz Lowfat Vanilla Yogurt mixed thoroughly with 1 TB cocoa powder (I always feel guilty whenever I make this because I feel like I am eating a sweet. But it is really good. You have to try this at least once! You won't regret it!)
1/4 cup oatmeal
1 cup Kashi Puffs
1/2 TB Peanut Butter
1/2 cup blueberries
Four or five slices of yellow pepper

For dinner I'll probably have 3 oz of tempeh with some 1/4 cup of Kashi pilaf, maybe 2 TB of hummus, an assortment of veggies again (this time probably with cauliflower) and a medium sized apple. Or an orange. Whatever I'm in the mood for.

Posting this really tells me that I am not really eating enough. Yet, I still am afraid to gain weight because of the aforementioned issues. A little help would be well appreciated.
Love you all and I pray for you!!

Now I am off to take my walk, I hope the wind has at least died down....grr...