Hold On Tight Part 1

Sorry I have been absent lately. A lot of things have been going on in my life and my mind is going in a million directions. I have a lot to worry about like recovery, school, my job, and my family life at home. So many things are ammounting to the stress in my life and right now I just can't deal with it. Everything is just too much.

If it's alright with everyone, I think I'm going to use this space to just vent for awhile. Sorry if I come off as being a bit of a Negative Nellie today. Or a Pessimistic Patty. Or a Depressing Debby. Or...you get the idea...

I'll just start with the easy stuff.

So this week marked my first official week of school in which I had a full schedule of classes. I like all of my teachers so far and I actually enjoy learning about the different topics that we are discussing. In Sosh class the other day we had a hot, and I mean HOT debate about society's perception of beauty. Everybody was talking about how we are expected to fit into this perfect, cookie-cutter mold in order to be accepted. Women are preferred to be tall and thin, while men are preferred as being muscular (but not too bulky) as well as dashingly handsome. A lot of kids voiced some pretty strong opinons on how they felt about these qualifications so to speak. Everyone agreed that it was unfair and injust. Everyone that is....except this one guy.

From the back of room, this tiny little Mexican voice rose above the chattering noise, just daring to challenge us. "So what if that's how this country wants us to look like. I personally believe that if we want live in this country then we need to look like they want us to in order to be accepted."

My mouth dropped to the floor. I couldn't believe how arrogant, and pigheaded this guy was. In case you were wondering he was dressed as a typical prep, and was wearing a fancy hoodie, white-washed jeans, and a large BATMAN buckle on his belt.

Then this other kid mentioned how more and more women are starting to diet themselves down to skeletal proportions because of the pressure that they are constantly facing to meet this ideal.

And the Mexican guy continued, "So? Some guys actually think that that's attractive."

And then we all slaughtered him. He never had a chance....

Actually it was really kind of sad and very eye opening just to see how ignorant some people really are to the severity of an eating disorder. Some people just plain don't get it. I was actually shocked to hear how this guy obviously lusted after women who are walking skeletons and wondered just how much damage the media has impacted on the collective minds of society. Even though I was too shy to speak a word of anger to this guy, inside I was fuming. It's these kinds of issues that really rub my skin the wrong way. They make me want to start a revolution and do something--anything to stop this behavior.

You may tell me that we have an obesity epidemic on our hands, but I say that we are blowing this way out of proportion. By teaching grade-school children about how to calculate the number of fat grams and carbohydrates in our food we are putting way too much focus on food. They are being discouraged to be fat and encourage to slim down, eat less and exercise more. Now I'm all for the whole "health" thing but I think that there is a more responsible and less extreme way to approach this. Have you noticed lately how every major food line and televesion commercial are toting products that scream "Eat This, Not That!" and "Only 100 calories and fat free!" In the long run, we are essentially not teaching children how to be more mindful of what they eat. Children are very influential and impressionable beings. Therefore, by constantly telling them that what they are eating is unhealthy, we are teaching them to be afraid of food. Furthermore, because fat is no longer an acceptable characteristic among precious pig-tailed girls and mussy-haired boys, we are teaching children the hard-learned lesson of acceptance in this world. To put it simply, fat is bad. My heart just screams at the injustice of this all! We should not be putting so much emphasis on health that we are training kids to think that a little extra pudge makes them unworthy. We should not be weighing kids at school and offering core nutrition classes in 5th grade. Their minds are too young! I say if the school has a problem with the way a child looks, they should take it up with the child's parents, not impose it upon the rest of the students. I have a young sister who comes home every so often with new information about what she learned in her health class. One year she even announced that she was banning soda as a part of a school project (if she successfully completed this, they win a prize at the end of the year). She is also terribly ashamed and self conscious of her body, and refuses to wear a coat in even the most frigid weather, for fear that it will make her look "even fatter than she already is." Can you believe this?! By jumping on this band wagon that the media has latched onto, we are telling kids that in order to be accepted and liked today, they must not be fat. In fact, society is so preoccupied with achieving this ideal, that they are completely overlooking the more imporant issue at hand. These are the perfect grounds for cultivating an eating disorder. Did you know that the youngest anorexic case was reported at being only six (SIX!) years old? Children are the youth of this country. They need to know that they are worthy and loved no matter what size or shape they may be. I hope that one day, somebody wakes up and realizes this importance, before a monster is created that cannot be stopped.

Eh hem. Now excuse me while I dismount from my high horse.

I'm a Mad Mad Mad Mad Girl

Yea, that pretty much sums it up. So today ED really had it in for me and made me feel just awful and depressed for most of the day. I am really having a hard time with eating a sensible amount for my body, because I am still afraid of putting on excess weight when I get to my maintenace point. I feel like I totally screwed up my body by not trusting it and by not trusting God and sending my body spiraling downward again after gaining in IP. Now my body has a higher body fat percentage even at a low weight and I'm just really anxious and worried about gaining because of this. I really feel that I just need to lose it all so that I can start over again and not have this huge cloud of dread hanging over my head.

BUT this wouldn't be such a big problem if I could just learn to love my body, curves or no curves. I'm trying though, and it's a long, long, LONG, hard road.

So I internalized this sadness today by being mad. I went to the rec center and I was mad, and I madly worked up a mad sweat in all my madness and then I glared at the attendants as I left. (dark chuckle)

Then I drove home and I was even madder because this stupid car in front of me was speeding, and "why can't the cops ever pull over the ones who are doing 10-over instead of picking on the ones who only just coast over the speed limit."

When I got home, I made some mad French Toast, with mad eggs because I've realized that it was stupid trying to go vegetarian (no offense to the veggies out there, really) and that cutting back this drastically was just another foothold for my ED.

Then I drove to my college and was mad the whole way there because I swear I hit about every single red light and this DATS truck was starting to creep up on my bumper. And I wanted to hit my brakes--madly of course--but then I thought it over and rationalized that doing so would be incredibly stupid and he would just quash me into a mad little puddle anyways. And that would not be good, seeing as how I do not want to die.

At my college I was incredibly bummed to find that the total cost for my books would ammount to about 300 someodd dollars. And yes, this intensified my madness. Seeing that I still had a little time to spare I bee-bopped on over to King Soopahs for a Fage 0% high protein yogurt for my dinner tonight. And after wasting some time there--in a mad hurry mind you--I drove back home.

And then I was late for work. And I was mad. And then I found out that I hadn't entered this new customer's information correctly. But that made me sad instead of mad. And then when the kids came in I was afraid that I was going to explode into either a million tears or blow my top clean off, but then one of the kids came over to me and he started pretending that his hand was a puppet and put on a cute little, kiddie show. And I couldn't help but smile. A big, long, tired smile that had gone into hiding earlier this morning. And it felt good.
__________________________________________________________________

But Tuesday was awesome. We did a fitness test for my weight training class and I actually did pretty good. Everyone was supposed to complete a series of pushups and crunches for two minutes without stopping once to hold the pose, or rest. If we stopped, game over. Well, I would have never guessed it, but this little scrawny girl with twigs for arms completed 36 pushups and 49 crunches (boo ya baby! I guess I'm not so weak afterall!)

Tomorrow we are supposed to do the mile run--OUTSIDE. We would've done it on Tuesday but the wind was a-blowing, and the sky was a-snowing, and I was NOT about to freeze. So we're going to do it on Thursday instead. I'm half praying that it'll snow so we don't have to, but our teacher said the temp. has to be at least 30 degrees for good running weather. Wish me luck!

Literature class was boring and seemed really complicated so I think (scratch that) I am going to switch out and take Italian Language 1 instead. I'm pretty excited for this class because my heritage is mainly Italian and I have relatives who live in Italy. Some day I'm going to go visit them...

But I liked Sociology class and I do not want to drop this one. This is because..........

I MET A GUY!

He is really cute and seems smart and has these totally amazing hazel colored guys and the kindest smile. I sat right behind him. He kept turning to me and talking to me during our assignment and even invited me to demonstrate our findings on the board. At first I thought that he was just being kind, but then he kept looking at me. My brain was like, "No way, is this for real? No way! This guy is actually smiling at me. At me!" And I didn't even think I looked that great because I didn't take off my coat and my face was red from being outside in the cold air.

The only problem is that I don't yet know his name.....

Anways, thanks for allowing me to vent a little girls. I really appologize if what I wrote was triggering to anybody. Please know that I never, NEVER, N E V E R, ever mean to do that.

Here's my eats!

Breakfast
1/4 c cooked oatmeal mixed with
1 c Kashi Puffs and some cinnamon (interesting combo)
1 TB Peanut Butter
Cascade Lemon Yogurt
Granny Smith Apple

Lunch
French Toast made w/
1/2 c Liquid Allwhites
2 slices No Salt Bread
2 TB Silk Lite Plain
and
Assorted Veggies
2 TB Hummus
About a cup of Silk Lite Plain
Small Pink Lady Apple (i think it was pink lady)

No snack today :( I gave in to ED

Dinner
Fage 0%
1 TB Peanut Butter
2 Wheetabix biscuits
2 small clementines
Assorted veggies

See ya guys tomorrow--hopefully with my mystery man's name!

Exercising Restraint yah!

Right now I am at work, trying to soothe my incredibly annoying dry eyes, whiile listening to one of the little kids that I watch have a complete meltdown. This is her second one today. The first time she burst into tears because one of the girls was sitting in her window-well, and she balled up in a corner for about 15 minutes refusing to calm down. Now she is upset because she left her lunchbox at school and is completely miserable (obviously noted due to the waterfall of tears), and will not have "any energy for karate class." Most days I am usually compassionate and try to help them work through their crises, but lately these kids have just drained every last ounce of my energy. Ugh...only 2 more hours to go...

Yesterday actually went pretty well. I managed to challenge my ED by only exercising for 45 minutes, rather than the usual hour. It was pretty challenging and although I did cut back slightly on my snack (by one grain and one satiety, that's ED code for fat:), I am pretty dern proud of myself. I was even tempted to attend my martial arts class tonight but decided against it after no one showed up. I was thiiiiiis close to going and burning some more calories but I didn't (thank God only one person showed up or I would have definitely given in).

Instead I went food shopping at Safeway for a while to burn up some time before I went home. UGH! Safeway was a complete bust--THEY HAVE NOTHING!!! No greek yogurt, no tofu, no amy's veggie burgers, practically no organic anything, and no No-Salt Bread!! What will I ever do without my lovely, delish Alverado St. No-Salt Bread? I am so sticking to King Soopah's from now on. But the trip wasn't a complete waste. Before I headed out the door my eye caught the Valentine's display, and I snagged this really cute, breakfast bowl. It's a light bubblegum pink color, spotted with red, pink, and white hearts. Totally cute and totally me! I'll try and post a pic of it tomorrow.

I'll also went to the library and rented some great reads. It bothers the living daylights out of my mom whenever I say "rent" books, but I don't care, that's just how I roll. The stuff I got was:
Geek Magnet--haven't read yet but looks good
Twisted--by Laurie Halse Anderson, absolutely one of my fav authors. Her writing style is so unique and captivating and Speak was just amazing!
27 Dresses--this looked really funny and I can't wait to watch some of it tonight
Thr3e--for mi hermano. I'm tellin ya, you have to read this. It is an absolute page turner, and even though I read it like a year ago, I still get the chills thinking about the ending. Go OUT and READ it NOW!!!

For Eats Yesterday I had:

Breakfast
1/2 c Oatbran (oh my sweet, sweet oatbran, how I've missed you!)
1 TB Almond Butter
Cascade Lemon Yogurt
Fuji Apple

Lunch
Wow! Lunch was super yummy yesterday! After coming back from my workout I was craving something warm to chase away the winter blues. So I heated up this new soup by Private Selection that I found and tossed in a bit of Nutritional Yeast to give it a cheesy taste. It really hit the spot and brought back the good ole days of eating hot tomato soup with grilled cheese sandwiches, but with a healthier kick to it.
3/4 c Private Selection Reduced Sodium Creamy Tomato Soup
1 TB Nutritional Yeast
1 Slice No Salt Bread w/
2 TB Hummus
3 oz Tofu (cubed and mixed in the soup)
Assorted Veggies
Granny Smith apple (lol we have a lot of these)

Snack
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla
1 c Kashi Puffs
3 almonds

Dinner
Wasn't much fun just threw a bunch of stuff in a tupperware container to heat up for later. FYI I have to eat all of my weekday dinners at work. Not fun, cuz my options are limited, I have to work while I eat, the space is small and I am worried about germs, and I have to stand while eating.
1/3 block of Tempeh
3 oz of Tofu
Assorted Veggies
Another Granny Smith (gotta luv em!)

Welp! Hope ya'lls day was simply amazing. I will post the second half (today's happenings) later on. Until then, CIAO!

Sunday...Hallelujah!

Good evening girls! Not a whole lot happened today except for going to church and the gym and grocery shopping, so I'll spare you some of the boring details. Let's start with the eats though shall we?

Breakfast
Totally Yummy Carrot Cake Oats, curteousy of the lovely Kiki. This is my second time making it and I have got to tell you, I am hooked. Here's how I made it:

1/2 c oatmeal
1 TB Vanilla Yogurt
5 shredded carrots (great way to get in your veggies in the manana)
Cinnamon, Cloves, Nutmeg and a dash of Ginger to taste
1/2 c Silk Lite Vanilla
Yummo!
and
1 fuji apple on the side
6 almonds

Lunch
I was feeling a little adventurous but not really in the mood for anything sweet so I decided to make....... Hummus French Toast (bare with me, it was actually pretty good, though VERY filling)

What you do is heat up the stovetop like normal, and prepare your batter using:

1/2 c Liquid Allwhites
Dried Chives to taste
1 TB Silk Lite Vanilla
2 Slices of No Salt Bread (or whatever your preference)

Make the two slices of French Toast and then spread one half with 2 TB hummus and 1 oz of avochado, top it with the other slice and enjoy!

I also had it with
1 granny smith apple
Assorted veggies
Cherry tomato

Snack
Banana Bread Lara Bar (I had to eat my snack in the grocery store while me and my mom were shopping, cuz I didn't have enough time to eat it at home. It was very...um...awkward...but still totally yummy! But I was really proud of myself that I didn't give in to my ED and skip eating my snack like I used to in the past. I kept it hidden in my pocket and periodically tore off bites off it because I was afraid that one of the store clerks would think I was stealing and nab me! I know, crazy right?)

Dinner
1/2 c Kashi 7 Grain Pilaf (so yummy, it's like a sophisticated version of rice)
3 oz of cooked tofu
Cherry Tomato
Assorted veggies
1 small red pear
Cascade Lemon Yogurt

About the only exciting thing that happened this morning was that it snowed. For once I actually wasn't too worried and was able to enjoy the delicate snowfall outside that blanketed our small (SMALL) town. As I was driving around today I could actually see each individual structure of the delicate snowflakes that landed on my window. And just as quickly as they landed, they melted away into a small puddle, leaving behind only the memory of their existence. Wow, I'm getting all poetic here. I just thought that it was really neat how even in the tiniest, most insignificant places if we would take the time to slow down and look at the world around us, we can see evidence of God's magnificent hand in creation. Like the blossoming of a flower bud into a plump, succulent apple--amazing.

Church today also had a powerful message that I would like to share with you. Right now we are doing a series about how to get unstuck in your life. Very relevant. The message was simply this:

"Even though I may not be happy where I am right now, thank God I am not where I used to be."

Very true.

Good night girls, and God bless!

Happy Day!

So after my little revelation, today was pretty much amazing!
I hopped on over to the gym for a quick workout and was able to get my thoughts straight...for once.
Today I did:

15 minutes of walking on the track
12 minutes of eliptical
12 minutes of this stair stepper, thingy
5 minutes of bicycling
5 minutes of jogging

In fact, I was still fuming over my ED that I only did about 50 minutes of exercise, rather than my usual hour. Take that ED.

After my workout, I headed back home and prepared for my VERY FIRST BABY SHOWER!!!

No the shower wasn't for me, but thanks for asking:)

The shower was so much fun. So many people were there and the mom-to-be was just glowing and everyone was so happy! I had a great time! For one of the activites I decorated a one-sie with fabric markers and paint. The edges were adorned with little pink dots, and I drew a couple of cute purple daisies all over the front of the suit. Then I added a tiny little bumble bee, complete with a dashed flying pattern. It was supposed to be a bumble bee anyway--the marker that I was using ended up bleeding together the bee's stripes and resulted in a very sloppy, mangled mess. After I cleaned him up a bit with some fabric paint I managed to salvage his (and my) dignity. But he still ended up looking like a flying easter egg with wings....oh well.

We also had this contest to guess what kind of candy was in the diaper. On the table the hosts had laid out 5 diapers and everyone was supposed to pick them up, smell them, and write down their guesses. When you opened up the diaper to peak inside, there was smooshed candy made to look like POOP! It was totally cute and I guessed the most correctly!

So after the shower I came back home, had myself a lov-el-ly dinner, and relaxed in front of the fireplace with a whole newspaper full of crossword puzzles, and jumbles, and cryptoquips galore. It was a very relaxing day, and practically ED free.

Here's my eats for the day: Ignore the recent cut-backs, I'm still trying to work some things through. And...I might....um...be going back to my dietican...might....

Breakfast
1/2 c oatmeal, sprinkled with some cinnamon
1 fuji apple
Cascade Lemon Yogurt with
2 tsp of Almond Butter

Lunch
Amy's Bistro Burger (WAAAAY better than Boca anyday)
1/2 c edamame beans
1/2 c assorted veggies
1 d'anjou pear
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

Snack (because I was at the baby shower I didn't really get to eat much of a snack :(
A couple slices of pear and apple
3 strawberries
A whole bunch of celery sticks
Some pepper strips and zucchini

Dinner
2 slices No Salt Bread
3 ounces of tofu blended and then warmed with
2 TB Hummus
2 cherry tomatoes
Dried chives

Some more assorted veggies (I always kinda eyeball how much I want)
1 granny smith apple
Cascade Cherry Yogurt

Well, I am off to bed because my body is tired and I'm excited about going to church tomorrow. Sleep well ever-body!

Oh...and in other news my family has discovered Peanut Butter Puffins and are rapidly eating my stash!! I may have to hide them....

I've Been Had!!!

That's right!! I've been had--by my own eating disorder!!! I tell you I am so mad right now that I am FUMING! Here's the story:

For a while now, about a couple of weeks, I have been really really nervous about my body and about the whole prospect of regaining weight again. I have lost about 5 or 6 pounds since last year, and still need about 10 more to reach a healthy weight. So, somewhere along the lines I started restricting and cutting back on meals and certain foods and exercising a little bit more. At first I was like, why am I doing this? This is stupid, I should just stop. But the more and more I did it, the harder it got to stop. Well the reason why I am apprehensive about gaining weight is because I believe and often feel that my body is bigger than it was before at the same weight. So, I felt that if I were to keep gaining weight, my body would just keep expanding and end up being bigger than it had ever been before....

So you can understand my fear.

As a result I have been constantly comparing my body now to how it was before and freaking out and thinking that I was fat and that I should be waaaay smaller for the low weight that I am at. BUT!! The other day I was looking up some of my old doctor's records from when I was released from the EDU. And do you know what I found??????

I found calculations that detailed my various stages of weight gain during those few months.

That's right, I found out how much I weighed after I was released.

This has always bothered me because I have a faulty memory (thanks a lot ED) and was never sure exactly what weight I was released at. So, this morning I pulled out the information and compared it to my personal list of measurements that I took of my body. I know I know, very ED like, but for some reason I just wanted to record it all to remember it.

Guess what? The measurements of my body now, match the weight that I was 2 years ago. Do you know what that means?

THAT MEANS THAT THIS ENTIRE TIME ED HAS BEEN DECEIVING ME INTO BELIEVING THAT I WAS BIGGER!!!!!! BUT I'M NOT!!!!!

I couldn't believe how sneaky this little creep was that he could just slink into my life, AGAIN, and pull the wool over my eyes. This completely changes everything now. I am not as scared of gaining weight, because I know that my body is not going to gain excess inches. I still don't like the weight gain part though, so it is going to take some work....

This just goes to show how conniving, devious, and sick our ED's are. They can ensnare us even when we think that life is going great. Keep fighting girls!! We can do this!!

Back to School!

Well this has definitely been a long, hard week. I really appreciate all of the comments and help that I have been getting. Sorry if I get a little emotional, depressing, and obsessive at times.

The first day back in college did not go so well as planned. My first period, Toning and Sculpting class, was pretty fun and we did some ker-razy exercise for our hamstrings and armstrings and ummm strings.... Everyone in the class was struggling after the first couple of seconds, and even though I am used to most exercise like squats and lunges, even my legs were on fire! I had no idea that I was that weak, so I hope that I can rebuild a lot of the muscle that my stupid ED has taken away. We also did one of those dorky introduction exercises where everybody goes around and tells 3 bizarre things about their themselves. I actually like sharing and hearing this kind of stuff, so I had fun with it.

Here are my 3 bizarre facts:
1. I work at a Martial Arts Studio (very true. A large part of the job is taking care of 5-6 kids, ages 6-11. They are a real handful at times, and definitely keep me on my toes. Sometimes, if they do something super crazy, like set a poptart on fire in the microwave, I'll post it. I also get to take free classes as a perk! Right now I am on my yellow belt--up from white--and with my long legs I can totally kick yo butt! :)

2. I like to collect funky socks! (OMG! I have at least 20 pairs right now, but some of them now have holes in them so I'll have to replenish my stock. I started collecting socks when I was in the EDU, because I wanted to have one part on my body that I would actually like. Everytime I look down at my feet, I always smile).

3. I have been known to sing Christmas songs all year round (Even in July, right around Halloween and in the spring! I love Christmas songs! "Oh the weather outside is frightful...")

After first period, I walked around the campus for a little bit to ease some anxiety. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and warm and just delicious and I wanted to stay out there until the sun set behind the mountains. Even though the snow is going to be coming soon, it's days like those that remind me of summer and keep me hopeful.

I'm sorry to be a downer again but second semester was awful. At first I was siked to be there because the class was supposed to be Abnormal Psych. Well, somehow I had signed up for Human and Growth Development without realizing it. So, I sat down and tried to rationalize that the class still wouldn't be that bad and that I could get through it. I only wish that were so. The entire class was exactly the same as my Intro to Psych class last year. The teacher was the same, the textbook was practically the same, even the ASSIGNMENTS were all the SAME THING! I was completely shocked and immediately started freaking out! For the rest of the
period I was a nervous wreck and desperately counted down the minutes until I could leave. It was torture!

When we were finally released, I dashed to the library and tried to reconfigure a new schedule. It was not easy because a lot of the classes were closed. But I was fairly happy with my new choices.

Unfortunately the next day was just as bad. The teacher never showed up for first period and I ended up learning later on that the class had been cancelled! This was just too much for me to handle. I was completely fried and just wanted to give up. So for the third time I remade a new schedule. Right now I am waiting to see if I got accepted into some classes. If I hadn't learned how to gain some control over my ED I probably would've starved the entire day. But I am very happy to report that I did not and.....I tried something new!!!

For snack I enjoyed one of the delicious Lara Bars, Banana Bread! I had snagged this little beauty a couple of days earlier and was dying for the chance when I could eat it. I think the size is absolutely perfect for a quick, satisfying snack. The flavors blended together beautifully, with the rich sweetness of the banana and the crunchy texture of the almonds emerging in every couple of bites. I am definitely going to buy more of these!

Au Naturale

I don't even want to talk about what happened yesterday for classes but I will post this later. Right now I have another topic that I want to run by you all and get your individual opinions on.

My ED has partially stemmed from a desire to be healthy, and from being deceived into believing that I was eating too much. I also have extreme body image issues. While I was in the hospital I slowly learned to overcome my fear of foods, and could eat fairly normally again. But then once I was discharged from the hospital, I began to feel anxious about my food intake once again and started to take back control. For the life of me I cannot keep weight on my frame, no matter how hard or how many times I try.

Anyways, after being discharged I began to develop new fears regarding food, which mostly took place in the form of sodium and preservatives. So I cut those out. Sometimes I find that I restrict foods because I am afraid that they will not be healthy for my body, which will in turn make me fat. This might sound very extreme but right now I am on a strict all-natural (no preservatives, no chemicals, no additives, nothing) kind of diet. I am scared to eat "normal people" foods because of their unhealthy content and the fear that they will make me fat. Also note that my family has had a history of medical problems like diabetes and heart attacks which just add more fuel to my fear.

My question to you is, is this normal? Does anyone else struggle with this? Sometimes I feel like I don't even have an eating disorder because of this new issue with food, or maybe I have a multitude of EDs which could include orthorexia on top of the anorexia. I don't know. My brain is so confused right now, and I am really tired. Can anyone help me?

Look Out! She's Gonna Blow!

Hear that screeching sound? That's my brain shutting down because I am super anxious about tomorrow. Tuesday marks the first day back to school in over a month (ya gotta love college breaks) and I'm worried that I won't be able to hold my ground. School is a huge stress issue for me and demands a lot of my time, energy, and sanity at times. Not to mention the fact that I have to "up and at 'em" at the unholy hour of 6:00 in the morning.

This semester I worked a gym class into my schedule so that I wouldn't be so anxious about exercising all of the time. I know that this is just feeding this part of ED but I really can't trust myself to eat if I don't exercise. But what I'm really worried about is the fact that this is a Strengthening and Toning class, not the Circuit Training class like I wanted. I tried to get into the latter but I wouldn't have been able to take a good course load and I really just want to get my butt out of this Community College and MOVE ON!!!

Anyways, I'm afraid that all this toning and stuff is going to make me really bulky and too muscular and I won't be skinny anymore. It's kind of a stupid fear I know, but tonight when I was working out I almost broke down in tears because of my legs. They feel and look huge, and I just wish that I hadn't inherited my mother's thick ankles and big calves. And I fear that if I start to become too anxious about getting bigger that I will start restricting again.

At least I do want to get better though...somewhat.
BTW I really appreciate all of the supportive and kind comments that I have been getting. You gals are O-MAZE-ING!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pack a massive cooler of food for my lunch, snack, and dinner tomorrow seeing as how I won't get home until after work.

Windy Days Really Bite

I have one thing to say about today: I HATE WINDY DAYS!!! Where is the justice in the world if the sky is clear as the ocean with not a single, puffy cloud in sight and the wind gusts are so powerful that they almost knock you off of your feet!! It's not fair I tell you!!

Anyways....despite the wind I still forced myself to take my daily walk. On this particular morning I was not at all keen on the idea of walking past the neighborhoods, so I decided to walk about 2 miles around the middle school track. Due to my obessive complusive need to exercise (darn you ED!), I walk twice a day around my town for 30 minutes each. In fact, I have logged so many miles in my pair of tennis shoes (which reminds me I need a new pair) that practically everyone in this area knows me. It can really be unnerving when a total stranger comes up to me out of the blue while I am in line checking out my groceries, or working out at the rec center. The conversation usually goes like this:

Weird person: "You look really familiar, do I know you?"
A very nervous Me: "Uh...nooooo..."
Weird person: "I know where I've seen you! You walk in____all the time!"
A now sheepish Me: "Uh, yea, that's me. Always walkin', I just like to walk."
The weird person and I usually introduce ourselves, and then I am quick to disappear the next second I get.

This used to be embarrassing....now it's just annoying.

So after braving the winds, I returned home and made myself a truly delicious lunch. For some reason I have really been battling the choice to let go of my ED or to hold on to it, even though I know I am doing pretty well. I don't really want to go back to being super skeletal all the time, and I can now admit (though hesitantly) that I actually like to eat. It feels so wrong saying that though. But lunch made me feel better and helped turn my mindset around, so that was a huge positive. There are parts of me that do want to get better, just not all the way (or weigh) yet. But it's a start.

Here's todays eats!

Breakfast
2 Wheetabix biscuits
1 c Unsweeted Silk Soymilk
6 almonds
1 Fuji apple (mmm...apple)
Container of Cascade Organic Strawberry Yogurt (seriously good)

Morning Snackish
Few slices of yellow pepper
1/2 c Blueberries

Lunch
French Toast! made with
2 slices No Salt Bread
2 TB Pumpkin
Cinnamon to taste
2 TB Silk Lite Vanilla
1/2 c Eggwhites (I have officially given up on Vegan French Toast, plus I think that my ED was trying to trap me by getting me to cut out non-vegan proteins)
1 TB Peanut Butter
3/4 c Assorted Veggies
1 fuji apple

Snack
1/2c Oatmeal
1 TB Almond Butter (omg! So I decided to splurge and buy this today and wow!! This is suuuuper good! The consistency is like a soft, fluffy pillow and the taste is a delicous, nutty flavor! Wow! I may never go back to the PB again!)
1/2c Blueberries
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

Dinner
6 oz of Tofu mixed with
1 TB of Nutritional Yeast
1/4 of a small Plum Tomato
Dried Chives to taste
3 chopped mushrooms
2 TB Low Sodium Vegetable Broth
5 Melba Toast Wheat Crackers
3/4 c Assorted Veggies
1 fuji apple

Well I'm hungry so I'm gonna eat my dinner now and then I'm going to hop on over to the rec center for a good workout. That is, they had better be open today!!

Weighed Down...by Fear

Emotionally speaking, today has not been a very good day. I feel like either my ED is trying to push itself back into my life, or I want to have it back in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am purposely trying to be anorexic again because I miss having that comfort in being so skinny. This sounds crazy, I know, but I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this before. I know that it is terribly wrong to want to go back to being emaciated and skeletal and so painfully cold all the time, but I am just having a hard time accepting my body where it currently is right now. I'm not exactly underweight (my BMI says that I am in the 18-19) range, but for my height (I am a tall 5'9) the doctors want me to put on at least 15 pounds. Plus, I am only 10 pounds away from my weight in IP. Ugh!! This sounds absolutely ridiculous even writing it out! It's like part of me is convinced that I don't have a problem while the other part of me is arguing that I still do. I am torn between the two sides. ED vs. Me. This is absolutely maddening.

I just feel a little confused, because from what I remember for the weight that I am at right now I was skinnier before. I'm also a little more muscly because I have been working out. This is kind of my big soap-box type rant, so forgive me for complaining about it too much. So, the long and short of it, is that I am just plain scared to gain weight because I am afraid I will be even bigger than I was before.

Anyways, that's what's on my mind right now. On to the happy!

So, last night I went ice skating with a couple of my friends from church! It was a blast! Although the ice rink was in terrible shape and was overrun with little kids, I managed to stay off of my butt the entire time! There was this one close call though, where all of a sudden this girl skidded right in front of my friend. My stopped abruptly to avoid hitting the girl, but I noticed too late that I wasn't going to be able to avoid hitting her. Scared that we were both going to be knocked down like a couple of bowling pins, I grabbed her to hold us both up! For a while we teetered madly, but thankfully didn't fall over! I am so glad that I went!!

Here's my eats for the day. Bare in mind that I'm not quite ready to step out of my comfort zone just yet.

Breakfast
1 cup Vanilla Lite Soymilk
1 Wheetabix biscuit
1 cup Kashi Puffs
1 TB Peanut Butter
1 small apple

Lunch
2 Slices Alverado St. No Salt Multi-grain Bread (seriously like the best bread ever! I found this beauty when I was in my fear-of-salt stage. The texture is amazing and tastes like bread should: nutty, and soft, and good. I can taste every grain in there and the crust is the best part! Although I have tried other salted versions and have mostly conquered my fear of salt, I just can't part with this bread! It is too good!)

6 oz tofu mixed with 1 TB tomato paste and dried chives (heated on the stove)
1 small apple
3/4 cup, assorted veggies and 2 small mushrooms

Snack
6 oz Lowfat Vanilla Yogurt mixed thoroughly with 1 TB cocoa powder (I always feel guilty whenever I make this because I feel like I am eating a sweet. But it is really good. You have to try this at least once! You won't regret it!)
1/4 cup oatmeal
1 cup Kashi Puffs
1/2 TB Peanut Butter
1/2 cup blueberries
Four or five slices of yellow pepper

For dinner I'll probably have 3 oz of tempeh with some 1/4 cup of Kashi pilaf, maybe 2 TB of hummus, an assortment of veggies again (this time probably with cauliflower) and a medium sized apple. Or an orange. Whatever I'm in the mood for.

Posting this really tells me that I am not really eating enough. Yet, I still am afraid to gain weight because of the aforementioned issues. A little help would be well appreciated.
Love you all and I pray for you!!

Now I am off to take my walk, I hope the wind has at least died down....grr...

Learning to Be Stronger

In light of the depressing list of things that ED has stripped away from my life, I decided to write a list of the small gains (no pun intended ha ha) that I have made through having my ED.

1. I have a better knowledge about nutrion in general and what the body needs to function properly.

2. I have learned that society has created a lot of misconceptions about food, and that at least one in every 5 people believes them.

3. I understand what components comprise a healthy nutrious meal: healthy fats, proteins, carbs, a fruit, and a veggie.

4. I am learning to work through and forgive my past, no matter how painful that journey has been.

5. I have become more diligent about exercise (although right now this one is sort of backfiring on me).

6. I am learning how to express emotions.

7. I believe that God has showed me His purpose for my life, and I want to follow this dream wholeheartedly. My plan is to eventually graduate from a University with a PhD in psychology and a background in nutrition. From there, I would like to work in a facility and help counsel girls who are struggling with anorexia.

8. I have developed a huge heart for every single girl out there who is battling the same battle that I am.

I am sure each and every one of you girls can write down at least of couple of positive achievements that you have made. Isn't it funny how even though our ED sets out to destroy us, God can still extract beauty from the broken pieces. Here's a verse today that I receive daily in my mailbox that I think directly speaks to my situation with my ED. For those of you who aren't in the faith, I pray for you anyways. Please don't think that I am trying to force my faith onto you. I'm not. You don't have to read this, it's just that my faith has been a huge part of my recovery process. Though long and hard and despite the fact that I am still in the throes of my ED, I know that I can't let go of God....because He hasn't let go of me yet.


Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.
~ Hebrews 12:1, NLT

Things I Hate About You

1. It stole my life.

2. It ruined my relationships with my family, my closest buddies, and my relatives.

3. It has made me fear at least every type and category of food at one point or another.

4. I cannot shop for myself without constantly and fervently checking and rechecking the nutrition labels on every can, box, and bag that I pluck off of the shelves.

5. My memory has been so fried that sometimes I can't even remember what life was like before my ED or even during--I am just living in the "now" moment.

6. I have lost sight of myself. I feel as if I have to rediscover who I am and who I want to be.

7. My hands are still horribly dry and cracked, and I constantly have to reapply lotion whenever I wash my hands.

8. I have become addicted to exercise to the point where if I don't get at least an hour a day I will severely cut back on my eating. If I am able to exercise I have no problem eating. Ironically, this obsession didn't come up until after I was released from the hospital--it's just another way for my ED to hold on to me.

9. My digestive tract is seriously screwed up. Seriously.

10. It might be distortion, but I'm pretty sure that my body is bigger now (even though I am still a good 15 pounds below my target weight) than it was before when I was at the exact same weight after discharge.

11. I often have trouble socializing in groups because I won't eat the foods that are offered.

12. I have become angry, bitter, unforgiving, and hurtful at times because recovery is very difficult.

13. My college education has been put on hold for a while and my ED has caused me to spend almost 3 years in a 2 year community college--I don't know when or if I'll ever get to transfer to a university to start working on my degree.

14. It ruined my relationship with GOD!!

15. I am afraid to eat anything that I don't approve of.

16. I used to be a very talented, very skilled and very smart student, but now I have problems thinking straight and getting good grades.

17. I am confused all the time about where I want to be.

18. Sometimes I feel like I am purposely holding on to my ED so that I still have a problem, because I am not quite ready to let go of it yet.

19. Consistently meeting with my dietican drained my bank account so severly I was almost broke. AND I still found myself slipping backwards, besides.

20. It has made me thorougly despise my body.

21. I might be infertile.

22. I am afraid to reach my goal weight, or rather the weight at which I will be completely healthy.

23. I still have a long way to go.

French Toast Flop

Recently I have been trying to reconform my eating habits to adopt a more vegetarian lifestyle. Usually I subsist off of egg whites, some chicken, and fish for protein, but I have been really wanting to cut out the egg whites. So, the other day I decided to try my hand at baking the perfect, healthy dish for lunch: Vegan French Toast. After laborously pouring over the internet, searching for variations on this delicious meal, I finally hashed together my own recipe based on what I had read.

Downstairs in the kitchen I was elated, and quickly set to work compiling the ingredients and cooking utensils that I would need. Using extreme care, I measured out each ingredient to the letter, and poured them inside my totally cute mini food processor. My recipe included something along the lines of 1/2 c vanilla soymilk, 2 tsp pumpkin puree(one of my addictions), 1/4 tsp cinnamon, and 3 oz of tofu. With a few short pulses the ingredients were quickly blended down into a thicky, creamy paste and I nervously dipped my first piece of bread into the batter and threw it on the hot frying pan. The result: a complete disaster.

I don't know about others' experiences in making French Toast, sans eggs, but the second that the batter-coated bread hit the pan it did the unthinkable.

It bounced.
I am not even kidding.

As if the thing were possessed by jumping beans, that one slice of bread danced around the pan, spitting and sputtering angrily, sending droplets of hot batter flying. No matter what I did, it refused to settle down even when I yanked the dial on the stovetop to reduce the heat. Considering that I was on a strict time limit, I was horrified and did everything imaginable to try and salvage my lunch. Only minutes later I relunctantly accepted the fact that my lunch was inevitably doomed, and would have to retire down the garbage disposal.
In a panic, I remade the recipe, this time nixing the tofu, and tried again. Although this time the bread didn't exactly bounce around like it had before, the batter never fully cooked through and left me with an extremely unappetizing soggy mess.

That would be the second funeral today.

At this point I was starving, the clock was furiously ticking away the minutes, and I was mostly out of ingredients. With an angry cry I threw up my hands in defeat and whipped together the batter using the one ingredient I had been desperately trying to avoid: egg whites. I am so ashamed. Ironically, this final attempt yielded 2 perfectly crisp, cooked pieces of French Toast.

Yet, I was unsatisfied because of my failure.
Where oh where did I go wrong?

Oh the Irony

Even though I was absolutely, positively, most definitely, one hundred percent committed to faithfully continuing this blog, alas, my attention has waivered. I don't know exactly why I become so anxious whenever I write, but the moment I begin typing an overwhelming feeling of intimidation descends upon me. That's right. I am afraid to write. Terrified in fact--which is absolutely ridiculous considering the fact that I am actually [said] to be very talented. I suppose I am just fearful of being met smack in the face with the looming wall of writer's block, uncertainty, you name it.

For the life of me I can never figure out what to write when I actually need to write something. It's maddening I tell you!! Absolutely maddening, especially when I am expected to crank out some 5 plus pages by sunrise the following morning. Yet, still I persevere. Upon realizing that honing my gift of writing takes some actual TIME I am forcing myself to write something at least every day. So, If I have any followers, which of yet I doubt I do, bare with me. Getting this blog to even get off the landing pad, let alone navigate the skies, is going to take some work.