Birthday Goodies

BIRTHDAY DINNER DECISION

For a while now I have really really REALLY been wanting to try and revive my old favorite nostalgic food: Maccaronni and Cheese. I'd seen a healthier version in an Annie's brand and I have been working up to the challenge. Well this week I finally bit the bullet and made the decision. I wanted something special for my birthday. I wanted something I knew that I would like and that I hadn't eaten in a long time.
Mac and Cheese it was.
I was gonna do it.
And I told my family too so that they would hold me accountable and so I couldn't chicken out.

I nervously anticipated the dinner all morning. At one point I just had to shut myself off in my room to pray. Because I haven't really struggled with food at all this week the anxiety over such a challenging meal was really intense. I even find myself struggling to eat certain foods that normally I would have been okay with and was constantly fretting about sugar content and fiber and whole grains and sodium. It was really frustrating!! But then I rationalized that today was my birthday and I should not have to worry about food!!
I should be able to enjoy my day and enjoy my food and eat what I want!! It's my birthday for crying out loud!!!

Finally the time came when my mom and I went to the grocery store to pick up the boxes.
Annie's Real Aged Chedder Mac and Cheese Shells.
I was nervous but determined and plucked the boxes off of the shelf and put them in the cart. I was going to do this. But then I found myself depressed over the "Cake Celebration" issue.

Since I've had my ED I haven't eaten any cake with my birthday. Last year I was able to do some homemade muffins with candles stuck in them, but this year I was completely stumped. The mac and cheese was a really challenging food. It posed as at least 2 fear foods of mine (pasta, pasturized cheese, and sodium) and made up almost all of my dinner for the night. Because I had eaten my snack earlier I wouldn't be able to "afford" really much of anything else. Plus I didn't want my entire night to be ruined if I was so overwhelmed with anxiety about eating the meal. So I decided to forgo any kind of dessert treat. And I didn't want my family to have a cake either, mostly out of selfishness (ugh so stupid). Why should they get to have something to celebrate with just to make themselves happy? It didn't seem right.

But when I got home, the stress of the day caused everything to cave in. My dad had unknowingly already bought a cake for the family to celebrate with. I was crushed and hurt. Later I had a little meltdown but my mother was able to talk me through it and help me understand that my dad didn't intentionally buy the cake to hurt me. ED tried to push me to restrict dinner and give up on the mac and cheese but I fought back.

I AM going to do this.


And I did :)

I can't even tell you how happy I am that I ate this meal. While I was preparing it a wave of happy memories flooded my head, reminding me of how much I used to enjoy eating mac and cheese as a kid. I didn't really care for any other pasta except for the shells. They were the only way to go. I always loved how slippery and funny feeling they were and the way they would stick to the end of your tongue if you ate too big of a bite. For the first time that night I felt relief instead of anxiety and was actually looking forward to eating dinner.

When I took that first bite of maccarroni and cheese, I smiled. It was REALLY GOOD!! It tasted exactly like what I remembered the Kraft version tasting like. And you know what? ED did not butt in once. I enjoyed my meal, I enjoyed eating and I felt no nervousness whatsoever. During that small amount of time spent at the dinner table I actually felt NORMAL again.

I am also very glad to say that I ended up making some lickety-split homemade oatmeal and applesauce muffins to put my 2 and 0 numbered candles in. I don't care what ED says, but a birthday just isn't a birthday without blowing out candles!!
AND
I even ate one of the muffins too even though it was a little over my meal plan. Because I WANTED TO. I hate feeling so abnormal and so weird when I go to special occassions. Everybody always asks me why I'm not having any cake to celebrate or looks at me funny. It feels so uncomfortable. And that night I just wanted to be able to celebrate and ENJOY myself.

It was a really great birthday!!
I am SOOoooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOooo glad that I was able to push past my ED feelings. I feel so free and so powerful and so ALIVE now. I conquered HUGE hurdles and made great strides and did things that I never thought I would have been able to do before.

I took one more step away from my anorexia and one more step TOWARDS

M E.

Happy Birthday.


Girls, you are strong. You CAN do this. Just think, if I had allowed my anxiety to get the best of me before I ate that first bite I would have been too scared to eat it. But because I pushed past my fear I discovered that everything was OKAY and I had a good time. Sometimes it's the initial dread of an event that prevents us from doing something and scares us off. Give things a chance before immediately turning on your heel and running away. If you don't give things a chance you may never get to experience the good things God has to offer and you will always be holding yourself back.
P.S. You know what???? I am definitely going to be eating Mac and Cheese more often now!!!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!

And Many More!!!

I can hardly believe it but today I turned 20 years old. Honestly I never thought I would EVER reach this age, EVER!! Not in a million years!! I feel as if I have turned a new chapter in my life and have the whole world ahead of me. I am choosing to mark my 20th birthday as the year of age. No more will I look back on the past and regret stupid mistakes that I have made. Being 20 marks a new time in my life. A time for recovery. A time for renewal. A time for LIVING AND LOVING AND ENJOYING MY LIFE!! It marks letting go of the old and broken and embracing a new, and bright and exciting future that God has laid out before me. I feel like with the year 20, I am starting over from scratch and embracing life for the very first time.



Since I have been kind of AWOL this week, I am going to do a short recap of the most significant events. Tomorrow I'll do a post about the Birthday Goodies!!


*****
Dietican's Appointment

This Tuesday I met with my dietician for the second time. I can't even begin to say how wonderful of a lady she is to have stuck with me for the 2 or 3 years that I have been seeing her, despite the fact that I have not yet been able to MAINTAIN A HEALTHY WEIGHT!! But I AM going to do it this time. I am going to go forth with recovery and STICK WITH IT!! I AM IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL!!

I was able to talk with her about a lot of the things that have been bothering me, in particular my body weight. At first I wanted her to check my body fat percentage (sorry) to see if I was indeed bigger. Like I said in my earlier posts, I seriously think my body is bigger right now that it was before, especially my legs. Well she was kind enough to talk through it with me and in the end we decided that it would not be the best decision because it would just be another outlet for ED. We also upped my meal plan again which I was okay with. Honestly I have been wanting to eat more because I just find myself so hungry!! Also, even though I gave in to ED I didn't really want to start restricting again. I think it was just very difficult for me to accept the fact that I was recovering and I still wasn't ready to let go.

Towards the end of the session I asked her some questions about why my weight seemed to be bigger in my legs. What she told me really helped to open my eyes and change my perspective. Basically she said that my body was changing because I am older now, and our bodies will naturally begin to change shape in certain areas in preparation for...well....womanhood. And that got me thinking. All this time I had been mourning my EDU and post-recovery body. But I was eighteen. Two years ago!!! Of course my body is going to change! It's older now!! And I suddenly realized that I can't hang on to a little girl's body anymore because I am not a little girl.

So now I am trying to embrace my new body. My twenty year old, beautiful womanly body which still needs to gain a good x number of pounds. And the next day when I looked in the mirror, suddenly I wasn't upset. I realize that this body that I have now, though still underweight, is my new body and no matter what I can't make it go back to the way (weigh) it was before. So I am going to learn to LIKE it!

*****
FREE FAGE!!

No I am so not even kidding on this one!!

Okay, here's the story.

So lately when I have purchased some containers of Fage Greek Yogurt, I have opened them up to find a runny, milky, grainy mess instead of the thick, rich and creamy texture that I love. A couple of days ago I decided to write them a letter asking about the problem, but more to question about whether I was still getting the same amount of protein. Well they wrote me BACK!!

Here is what the letter said:

Dear Keiko,

Thank you for contacting us regarding our FAGE Total product.

We have forwarded your complaint to our Quality Control Department for review.

We appreciate your interest and support. FAGE Dairy Industry is one of the largest food producers in Greece ; it operates 5 production facilities in Greece for dairy product production (milk, yogurt, cheese and dairy desserts. Our wholly owned subsidiary FAGE USA Dairy Industry, Inc. has opened and operates a new state-of-the-art yogurt production facility in upstate New York in April 2008.

As a token of our appreciation for your interest in our products, we would like to send you a case of your favorite FAGE Total yogurt. Please provide us with the product type and the size of the container and its use by date, a daytime phone number and address, so that we may proceed.

Best Regards,
Ann S. Diotte
Consumer Relations & Promotions Specialist



Holy cow and a half!!! When I read this I squealed in utter happiness and just about jumped for joy!!

I am so excited I can hardly stand it!! The only problem is, what am I going to do with a WHOLE CASE of deliciousness that is Fage yogurt??!! I hope it doesn't go bad before I can eat it all. FYI Keiko is my mailing name so I don't attract creepy stalkers!

Well it's getting late and my brain needs some sleep!!

Goodnight to you all!

A Revelation

This past week has been absolute TORTURE!

Every single day ED has been whispering in my ear, telling me that I am fat. But on Sunday the attack was unbearable. While I was sitting in church I started looking down at my legs and the barrage began.

My thighs are huge.
My legs are bigger than they used to be.
My butt is massive and my body is squishy, flabby and disgusting.
By the time the sermon was over I literally felt sick to my stomach. It was as if I had just emerged from a vicious onslaught and was left battered, brusised and broken. I spent the entire day in a depressed slump, bemoaning the size of my thighs and hating on the body. It was awful.

Finally I decided to get out of the house and go to the rec center to try and ease my depression. While I was in the car I began praying to God...

*WARNING* HUGE MASSIVE REVELATION ALERT!! THIS COULD HELP YOU IN YOUR FIGHT AGAINST YOUR EATING DISORDER!!*

I started out appologizing for my behavior and how I had been so self-absorbed during church. I was so ashamed that I had allowed myself to become so internally focused that I had neglected hearing the sermon today. I mean it was in CHURCH for crying out loud!! My mind should be focused on GOD!! NOT ON MY BODY!! I felt so guilty.

Then I began telling about how awful it was to always be under attack and how I felt so helpless. Suddenly a thought immediately popped into my head.

Now I know there might be sceptics out there, but I can honestly say that this is how God talks to me. He puts thoughts into my head that so unexplainable, so relevant, and so eye-opening that they can only come from Him. That was how He spoke to me when I made the decision to recover last year, and when I made the decision to trust Him FULLY with recovery this year.

This is what my thought was: Why didn't I ask Him for help?

And that was when the lights went on.

Why didn't I ask Him for help? Why wasn't I able to recognize the attack and cry out to Him?

Instead, I had allowed myself to be beaten down by the voice of my ED. No wonder why I felt defeated!!

Show of hands:

How many of you regularly find yourselves under attack by your ED?

Okay.

How many of you honestly find yourself hating your body from time to time?

Hmmm...thought so.

How many of you recognize when you are being attacked?

Last question.

How many of you believe that what ED says is true?

That day I learned a few things:

*to recognize that I was being attacked.

*to begin to resist giving in to self-criticism.

*to remember that I wasn't in this battle alone.

So here is my challenge for you no matter how far you are in your recovery. Whenever you begin to hear the voice of your ED creeping up on your thoughts, digging its nails into your flesh and weighing you down with criticism until your are helpless in its grasp--stop.

Don't give in to the lies. Stop beating yourself up. Stop allowing yourself to be dragged down. And above all
And ask for HELP.
We can't do this on our own girls, especially if our reality of the truth is distorted.

Salsa (No Chips Required)

As promised, here is the recap of my lovely night of salsa dancing.

I think three words will pretty much sum up the entire night

O-MAY-ZING!!

It has been far too long since I have gone out for a night of dancing!! I think the last time I went was for my senior prom but that was in 2007!! I'll admit I was a little (scratch that) A LOT nervous about the night. For one there were TONS of people. I tend to get very anxious in large crowds which I think is partly due to ED making me feel insecure about my weight and everything. I did struggle with body checking and comparison for some part of the night but eventually I was able to just relax and have a good time.

I think part of the reason why I was "feeling fat" (ugh) was because I am still wearing baggy clothes which really do not fit me that well. Ever since being discharged from the hospital I have taken to wearing loose-fitting clothing because I am so insecure about the changes in my body. Even though now I have to regain a lot of weight I am still insecure because my body is still out of shape.

But enough of this downer-mood!! On to the fun!!!

I can't even begin to tell you how great of a time I had. First we learned the basic moves: stepping to the beat, pausing on the 4th and 8th beat, and twirling. Then the instructors set us loose and we were on our own, dancing the night away. Once you know what to do salsa dancing is actually not that hard. There are a lot of more complicated, fancy moves but everything is in time to the music so it's really easy to pick up. I actually learned how to do a side step, a double twirl, and a cross-over.

For most of the night I ended up dancing with my friend's brother. I was SUPER nervous being that close to a guy, but he was pretty cool and was a great dancing partner. Plus I think that he likes me, but don't say anything. Shhhhh.....I also danced with one other guy. OMG!! It was so creepy!! Suddenly this middle-aged guy who was about 30 or 40 came up to me out of nowhere and asked me to dance. I could've/should've said no but I didn't want to be rude. He kept smiling at me the whole time while we were dancing together and tried to teach me some new moves. I hated touching his hands because they felt like a warm, soft marshmallow. Shiver..... The whole time we danced I kept shooting my friend's a look of pained desperation to just "PLEASE RESCUE ME!!!" I was afraid that he was some kind of pedophile who was going to molest me or stalk me. It was realllllly creepy. When the song ended I literally RAN back to my friends and hid from sight. Ugh...even remembering it still makes me feel uneasy.

But now for the BEST PART OF THE NIGHT!!! Here's a little background before I tell you

When I was a little girl I dislocated my shoulder in gymnastics while doing a flip on the high bar. Ever since then I have to be careful about how I use my right arm because it easily dislocates again if I move it in the wrong way. Seriously, I can't put my arm behind my head, serve a volleyball, or even jump rope--it is THAT bad. During the worst days of anorexia, my shoulder was especially bad and would frequently come out. I couldn't use it at all! When I heard that we were going salsa dancing you can imagine how nervous I was. Right away I told my partner that he couldn't twirl me with my right arm. Well, he FORGOT!! When he spun me around for that first twirl I immediately envisioned a crippled me lying on the floor, arm loosely dangling from its socket.

Oh the pain! Oh the misery! Oh the woe! It was surely DOOM'S DAY for this gal.

But to my surprise---NOTHING HAPPENED!! I was so shocked!! In fact I didn't even feel any pain or the usual tightening in my shoulder muscle like I usually get. I am so happy to say that I ended up twirling the entire night with my right arm and it didn't come out once!!! I guess the weight training that I started this summer has really payed off!!

Tomorrow I am going to post about an amazing revelation that I had this Sunday (sry I'm a day behind but Sunday was so HARD I didn't have the energy or the heart to post). It's about what to do when we are faced with an attack from our ED's. This literally blew my mind! I can't wait to tell yall! Plus I am including a tribute to the most skee-rumptious, dee-lishious, bangin' bowl of oatmeal EVA!!
G'night and a domani!

I Hit the Jackpot!!!

At the library.
So me and my dad just got back from our outing this afternoon. We were supposed to go bowling, one of our favorite things to do, but when we got there the place was PACKED!! AND I MEAN PACKED!! There must have been like 5 birthday parties going on all at once. Since the wait for a lane was like an hour and a half, we decided to just shop around and go to the library instead.

I am so glad we did!!! Our library has this new huge section of free books, and I always manage to find at least one good thing. My dad says it's like an addiction: once you find one good thing you always keep coming back for more. Well this time I hit the motherload. Right on the bottom shelves were dozens upon dozens of my favorite book series that I used to read when I was a little girl! The Sweet Valley Twins and Sweet Valley University!! I have been looking for these books for ages but can never seem to find more than a few at my libraries. I have seriously read and re-read my collection at least 5 times each. They are just too good!!

Well when I saw these books I immediately yelled "DAD!! DAD!! BRING THE CAR AROUND!!" and started snatching them off of the shelves. Quickly I found a big ole carboard box and stacked them all in there, and guarded that box with my life!! haha. I haven't counted my stash yet, but I must have found at least 50 books. I can't wait to start reading them!! This is seriously going to cut into my homework time!!!

So that was the highlight of my day. I also went to the gym earlier this morning for an O-MAZE-ING energizing workout!! I love getting in my workout in the morning because it sets my day off right and eases some of my stress. Plus, since I have been eating a morning snack I just feel like I have SO MUCH MORE ENERGY than I used to. Seriously, I couldn't understand how you all could just plug away for 40 minutes on the eliptical, but now I totally understand. Yesterday I did 30 minutes straight, but still felt like I could keep going forever. It feels GREAT!!!

Today's Workout

(I am sticking to 50 minutes at the gym, with 30 minutes of strenous exercise as per my doctor's orders).

20 minutes of brisk speed-walking while be-bopping out to the Newsboys on my phone

20 minutes of an intense workout on the arc trainer

10 minutes of interval running and walking

So I am seriously excited for tonight because........

My youth group is going salsa dancing!!

This is the first time I have ever been salsa dancing before and I am just itching to go!! I'm glad that I am starting to take some risks like going out at night and having fun with my friends, instead of worrying about exercise and food. For once I feel a lot more free.

Hope you guys have a great night!! I will post an update about the dancing later!!

Love ya!!

Today's Eats

Breakfast
2 Wheetabix biscuits
1 TB PB & CO Cinnamon Raisin PB
Fage 0%
1/2 Banana
Red Delicious Apple

Snack
1 c Organic Cheerios
1 TB Honey
1/2 Banana
6 almonds
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

Lunch
For lunch I made a stirfry of carrots, rice, edamame, peppers, and tomatoes. It was so colorful and looked so beautiful).
1/3c Brown Rice
1/2c Edamame
1 oz Avocado
1/2 Small Plum Tomato
7 chopped carrots (ya, I'm weird about carrot consumption, 10 is ED's max for some odd reason).
Assorted Veggies
Red Delicious Apple
Cascade Lemon Yogurt

Snack
TLC Kashi Pumpkin Pie Bar
I ate this while looking for books at the library. This is sooo good and I am so glad I just decided to go ahead and try them. The chewy texture of the glaze mixed with the crunchiness of the oats and the sweet pumpkin, cinnamon flavor--mmmm!
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla warmed with 1 TB Cocoa Powder

Dinner
2 Slices No-Salt Bread
3 oz Tofu
2 TB Hummus
Assorted Veggies
Some kind of fruit, probably an apple

FYI, I am serioulsy in love with bananas now. And I have you girls to thank! Ever since seeing them on your blogs, I have been wanting to try them again. Believe it or not but they used to be a HUGE fear food of mine. But now I think I have eaten one every day since the dietician's appointment. I also have one chilling in the fridge with my name on it (literally, my mom is a banana hound!). Thank you so much girls for helping me to conquer this fear!!

Soggy Sandwiches and a Sosh Test

Even though this is only my second day on a new meal plan, I am definitely beginning to get nervous. Yesterday I ate certain kinds of food that I was too scared to before, and ate them with no problem. Basically I just told myself that I needed to do this and I need to gain weight and there was no going back. And I just did it. To be perfectly honest, it really scares me when eating is too easy and when my ED is quiet. This makes me worried that the recovery will be too quick and these issues will just disappear overnight. However, it also makes me worry that ED is lying low, just waiting for the opportune moment to attack me and drag me back down.

Lately I've been feeling like I could eat ANYTHING and not feel any guilt later on. Sometimes its even like I forget about the importance of eating healthily and I feel like suddenly all of my ED rules have vanished. This really worries me. How can an ED just disappear overnight?! Answer: it can't. I know from experience that if I let my guard down too easily and begin to eat normally again, eventually the remorse will catch up with me and I will restrict even worse. So right now I am fighting the temptation to just eat and eat and eat as well as the temptation to restrict. Will you gals please pray for me?

------------------------

Anyways on to today.
School days are always stressful for me and--as per usual--I was running late again. This morning I had decided ahead of time that I was going to skip 1st period and use the extra time to study for my Sosh test. (sosh=sociology in "me" speak). Well, on the way to the campus, suddenly I remembered that I had forgot to pack a serving of veggies for my lunch. I thought about just going with the carrots but then I realized that if I ate those I would be left with just hummus for a snack. Ick. Plus, ED says that carrots don't really count as veggies. So I made a quick detour to Safeway to pick up a pepper and some apples. What should have been a 5 minute run turned into a 20 minute delay because I did some browsing (hey I couldn't help it) and the self checkout refused my pepper!! When I finally got out of that store and to the school I was a frazzled mess and decided to take my walk before studying.

My walk was really really nice. The air was crisp and comforting, and the sun beat down warm and friendly. I was able to free my head, enjoy my surroundings and just breathe. I even saw a WOODPECKER pecking away at a tree. I have never seen one of these before! They are fascinating creatures and really small and really loud. I also used the time to talk with God. I told Him about my fears concerning weight gain and asked Him to help me trust Him with my life.

When I got back to the campus I was in a much better mood and disposition and decided to eat my snack. This is when my day fell apart, girls. Opening up my lunchbox I realized that almost my entire waterbottle had leaked. There was literally about an inch to 2 inches of water in the bottom. In a panic I quickly grabbed all of the items, dried them off and dumped the water from the lunchbox outside. I thought that I had been able to save everything, but my sandwich was RUINED!!! My beautiful sandwich had soaked up all of the water from the flood and turned into a SPONGE!! I tried taking a bite of it, hoping that it was still somewhat edible, but it was no use. I wanted to cry. There was no way possible that I could survive for the next 4 hours on nothing but a Fage 0% yogurt, apples, a pepper, and the 2 TB of hummus and 10 carrots that I had for snack. I knew that this was a temptation to restrict and compromise my eating for the day, so I just decided to skip my last period and go home where I could eat a proper meal.

After the sandwich incident, I went to the library to study feeling really blue. Between combatting body image issues all day and a ruined lunch, I was spent. It seemed as if my day was a complete disaster. But then while I was studying my mystery man came over to sit by me!! I'll call him Mr. W. He is so sweet and friendly. We spent the rest of the time talking about the horrors of the upcoming test and other various stuff. Before long I found myself at ease once again. Nothing like a little flirting to cheer a sad gal up!!!

Thankfully, the test really wasn't that bad. I think I did pretty okay on the multiple choice and I totally rocked the essays. The really cool thing is that even though I ran out of time, my teacher let me finish writing the essays in the faculty lounge. She even told me that I didn't have a time limit to finish them, as long as I didn't take too long!!! Ummmmm....... Let's just say that I took well advantage of that time! Haha!

Oh...but then when I got home I had to throw out my Fage because it had sat in the car too long...SOB!

All in all, my day really wasn't that bad. Work was pretty easy and I rocked a killer workout at the gym afterwards. My mom was proud of me for making the decision to come home and eat lunch. She told me that God was probably answering my prayer to trust Him by testing me today. Because the test time bit into my third period, I also think that He was trying to tell me that He would have taken care no matter what happened today. Also, I think that if I had just gone to school without stopping at the store, and trusted God with my allotment of veggies, I might have been able to save my sandwich before it drowned:) You never know...

My Workout

30 minutes walking--at school

15 minutes walking--at home

20 minutes on the treadmill (I cut back to 20 from 25 because I did a little more walking than I should have today).

Various weight lifting exercises (abs, butt, arms, shoulders, sides, etc)

10 reps each of squats and lunges.

What was amazing about my workout was that I found myself just on fire, shouting praises to the Lord and singing Hallelujah for the last 10 minutes of my run. I just felt so free and alive and energized.

I kept repeating, this trial is going to take a THROUGH KIND OF FAITH.

The really amazing part is that beforehand I was doing some really bad body-bashing and freaking out about weight gain. But once I stepped on that treadmill, it was like God just took all of those fears away. Isn't He amazing?

------------------------

The New and Improved Eats

Yesterday

Breakfast

1/2c Oatbran

1 TB Peanut Butter

Cascade Cherry Yogurt

Granny Smith

Snack

1c Silk Lite

1 Mashed Banana

1 Wheetabix

Lunch

Rudy's Bakery Honey Sweet Wheat Bagel

1/2c Allwhites

Tomato Slices

1 TB Hummus

1 oz Avocado

Assorted Veggies

Fruit

1c Silk Lite warmed with cocoa powder

Snack

Jocolat Chocolate-Mint Larabar (I can't even say how amazingly good this way. It tasted like a brownie and I enjoyed every bite!)

Dinner

Scramble of

6 oz Tofu

1/2c Brown Rice

Assorted Veggies

cooked in 1/4c Veggie Broth

2 Clemmies

Mini Almond Milk

Today

Breakfast

1cKashi Almond Shredded Wheat with

1c Warm Silk Lite(d-lish combo!)

12 almonds

Banana

Snack

10 carrots

1 clemmie

2 TB Hummus

Lunch

2 Slices No-Salt Bread

1 TB Peanut Butter

1 TB Fig Jelly (yea!!!)

1/2c Allwhites

Red Pepper and some cauliflower

Fuji Apple

1/2c Silk Lite

Snack

Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt mixed with

1 TB Cocoa Powde

2 Wheetabix biscuits crumbled (this was a disgusting combo!!! Because it was pre-prepared the Wheetabixes absorbed all of the yogurt and turned it into another soggy, fluffy mess. Ick!)

1 Clemmie

Dinner

1c Tomato Soup

6 oz Tofu

3 Melba Toasts

Assorted Veggies

Granny Smith

Mini Almond Milk

Whew!!! Well it's WAAAAAAY past my bedtime girls!! Goodnight!!

Taking the First Step

After I made the decision (which was actually made during a zone-out sesh in my Sosh class, hehe) I called my mom and told her that I was going to go through with it. She couldn't have been more supportive and told me how much she loved me and was so proud of me. Seriously, her love just overflowed. One thing that I am grateful for that has happened during my relapses is that I have been able to salvage and cultivate and heal in my relationship with my mother. Before we were bitter enemies. Now we are practically friends. :)



During my next class I really began thinking about the magnitude of my decision. This was it. No more going back. No more eating disorder.

I do not have the option of going back anymore.

It really scared me realizing all of this. And I began to get a little bit panicky.

After class I talked to my mom before my appointment and she again reassured me that I could do this. I told her that I was nervous and that it was going to be hard but that I was going to do this. Before I hung up, we prayed together on the phone.

Going into the appointment I was very nervous but had a new perspective on the situation. I was compliant and mostly agreeable with my dietician and addressed all of the issues that I was worried about. I asked about portions and meal planning and exercise and everything that I could think of. I even told her that if need be I would be willing to go up to a healthy goal weight--something I have NEVER wanted to do before. I want to do this, and I want to do this RIGHT. I don't want to make excuses for my ED anymore.

I also think that God challenged me during the appointment. Normally when I go in for a visit my dietician weighs me in a hospital gown, but this time I could only be weighed in my clothes because the exam room was unavailable. This made me nervous, because I felt like or ED felt like I had to know where I was at so I could get the most accurate evidence of whether or not I actually was bigger. But I think that God just wanted me to trust Him, that no matter where I was at, it was going to be okay.

The appointment lasted about an HOUR. It was A LOT of ground to cover. In the end we got a lot of things cleared up and settled upon a good meal plan. I even asked her about one of my biggest fear foods, sugar.

GIRLS, LISTEN UP. She said that I don't have to worry about how much sugar I am consuming (she wants me to do at least 7 fruits, some of them from honey, molasses, etc). Basically our bodies do not know the difference between a sugar sugar and a carb sugar because everything gets broken down into sugars in our bodies when we eat them anyways. This totally defies the "laws of the media" but is absolutely TRUE.

I love learning about nutrition.

Well after the appointment I was hungry and decided to eat the Cashew Cookie Larabar that I have had in my purse for like a week. Originally I wasn't going to eat any more food than I have been until tomorrow, but I just decided to go ahead with it. I ate that bar and I enjoyed it. I didn't feel any remorse. And it was good.

When I got home me and my mom went food shopping for some new items. I bought all of the things I have been wanting to try lately but have held off on, and am so excited to try them. So my meals are going to be WAAAAAY different now. :)

On the List

Annie's Honey Bunnies

Annie's individually packaged Chocolate Chip Bunnies

Mi-Del Graham Crackers

Rudy's Bakery Honey Sweet Wheat Bagels

Stonyfield/Sonyfield?? Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt

Bananas (oh yea, after seeing everybody eat them I have had a craving for some)

No-Salt Bread

Kashi Almond-Flavored (ish) Shredded Wheat

PB&CO Cinnamon Raisin PB

Mini Almond Milks

ED really tried fighting me when I was picking out these things, screaming at me that it was all too much sugar. It was hard and I felt like a fatty and like I was over-indulging. But I fought back.

For dinner that night I made some celebratory Pumpkin Pancakes topped with my new PB&CO Cinnamon Raisin PB. OMG!! This stuff is amazing!! It is so thick and grainy! I swear it's made with almonds though instead of PB. I was nervous eating it, thinking "omg what am I doing? I am eating sugar!!!" but again I pushed through. I also had one of my new Almond Milks with dinner. These were.....different. They greatly remind me of Almond Butter, but are a little blander in taste. I think I prefer soymilk, really but at least I tried something new.

Because I love my Pancake recipe so much I am going to share it with yall!! I got the idea from hungrygirl.com, and then just modified it. These are seriously DEE-LISH-US!! The batter is fragile though so it's best to make the pancakes small. The recipe usually makes about 8-12 small pancakes.

Raina's Amazing Pumpkin Pancakes

Ingredients

1/2c Allwhites

1/2c Oatbran (or oatmeal)

2 TB Pumpkin Puree

1TB of sweetener to chose (honey and molasses works great or you can use 2 TB of applesauce if you don't like them too sweet).

Anything else you like to add: cinnamon, 2 TB of vanilla milk, vanilla extract to give it some flav-a. I usually make mine bland and top it with PB or Jelly.

Directions

If using oatmeal, blend all ingredients together in a blender for a few seconds. In the meantime, have a small-sized hot frying pan ready on the stove on medium heat. When the pan is heated up, ladel batter onto the surface in four small circles. Allow the pancakes to cook for a little, and then flip them, until both sides are cooked to your liking. It only takes about 1 minute to 2 minutes to fully cook each pancake. Repeat with the rest of your batter. Top pancake beauties with PB, Jelly, Honey, Syrup, or just eat them plain. Enjoy!!

I'm Letting Go and Giving it Over

Brace yourselves gals, I have a feeling that this is going to be a long post.

I'll start from the beginning.

For those of you who have been keeping up with my (sporadic) posting lately, you'll know that I had an appointment to see my dietican yesterday. The last time I met with her was in October and I was 2 lbs away from my lowest goal weight. Since then school and work kind of overwhelmed me and I slowly starting backing off from my appointments. The Christmas season arrived, I found myself overexercising and restricting and I lost a little bit of weight. Not a whole lot of weight, but enough to make it noticeable. And then one day I was faced with a lie: that I was bigger at my current weight than I was last year when I was at the same exact weight. And I fed into it, practically enticing the ED to come back into my life so that I could be small again. You see girls, even though I was starting to become comfortable with food again, I was scared.

I didn't want to get better. I didn't want my ED to go away. And so I held on.

Fast forward to the present. When I started restricting again, of course I started to lose weight, but not necessarily as fast as I would have liked. I started freaking that my body was still holding on to the weight and restricted more and exercised more vigorously. Eventually I was so entangled in the web that I had spun for myself, that I was trapped. I feared that if I started to eat more I would gain back the weight very quickly. So I kept myself where I was, refusing to make a change.

This is hard for me to admit but, I wasn't necessarily stuck in my ED. Before when I have relapsed I honestly began to fear food again and weight gain, and was generally AFRAID. But this time--and again this is hard for me to admit--I just didn't want to keep getting better. I held on to my ED even though I had already done a pretty good job in beating it down earlier in the year.

ED wasn't holding on to me, I was holding on to it.

So yesterday I was mentally preparing myself for the appointment. In my mind I had already firmly made the decision that we were going to just TALK and there would be no meal planning or changes to my diet or anything. Just a nice friendly chat. Because I did NOT want to change.

But I think that God had a different plan.

As usual I was running late yesterday morning and was in a scramble to get out the door. I arrived to first period with like a minute to spare and was very frazzled. When I arrived though my teacher announced that she was sick and was cancelling the class for the day. Great. No toning exercises. I decided to take a walk around one of the local neighborhoods while I was waiting for next period to begin. And I asked God to please meet me while I was out walking because I wanted to discuss this whole "RECOVERY" thing.

And He did.

While I was walking I began thinking over everything--events I have gone through, unforgiveness and anger and self-acceptance issues. And I realized that this whole eating disordered thing isn't really about any of that.

It's about TRUST

To put it simply, I don't trust God with my future. When I can't handle life, instead I turn to my ED to cope with all the changes. And I take control.

And I realized that I have never fully trusted God with my life, PERIOD. Even when I made the conscious decision to try recovering again last year, I didn't give over total control. I wanted things to be a certain way. Ashamedly, I even BARGAINED with the doctors for a weight that I wanted to be at and for the amount of exercise that I wanted. Never once did I say, Okay I'll do it your way. And when I realized all this, I knew what I had to do, and I knew what God wanted me to do.

Yesterday I made a VERY hard decision. Probably the hardest decision I will ever make in my entire life. I gave over my eating disorder to God. Fully. Completely. There is no going back. I am never again going to return to it. I may still struggle but I am NOT going to bring my weight down or allow myself to relapse anymore. There is no more back door. I am moving on, I am moving forward. I am going to start a new life and not look back on the past any longer. It's going to be a long, hard haul, but I am in this for the long run.

I will no longer live as an ANOREXIC.

Valentine's!!

Happy Valentine's Day girls!!! Can you believe it's here already??? It seems like just the other day we were still celebrating Christmas!! I love this season because of the warmth and love that it spreads and the cute decorations in all of the stores. Hearts and polka dots, and pinks and purples and reds galore!! Hershey's kisses the size of baseballs, aisles overflowing with sappy Love cards, and dozens of different heart-shaped plates, cups, and mugs. It makes me so giddy with excitement every time I see another V-Day item.

Well I figure I owe y'all a recap of this week. College life has kept me on my toes and cra-zay busy! Here's a small sampling:

This Week's Craziness

• My car door is broken. No, not the passenger side, by the driver's side. It refuses to open from the inside now, so I have to roll down the window, unlatch it from the outside, open the door and roll the window back up again. I swear my car is possessed. When it's not trying to hurl me out the door at 60 mph because the locks are on the fritz, it's trying to trap me inside so that I cannot escape.*
• I made the decision with my mom to schedule an appointment with my dietitian again. I am meeting with her this Tuesday at 3:00. Wish me luck. I'm nervous (because I don't want to gain wait), but a little bit excited (because I have been really hungry and just want to eat again). I really wish that I could just do this whole "recovery thing" without the weight-gaining part. Life would be so much easier.
• I think I have gone to the rec center every day this week. Mostly cuz it's cold outside and I'm a wimp. It might be a new record. The gym attendants are starting to give me funny looks and this one guy there (who I think has a crush on me) asked me if I was still eating good and stuff. I told him that my gym class is having us do a lot of cardio for training purposes. I feel bad...I am such a liar.....But I still really hate mentioning that I have had/still have an ED even though I don't always feel like I have one. Bleh.
  
• I received my V-DAY package from my V-DAY buddy!!! It came Thursday afternoon but I waited until the night to open it because I wanted to build up the suspense.

Here are the pics!!

My secret buddy was Lida from Octopuscarwash's Gourmet Adventures!! You should go check out her blog! She is an amazing photographer and an excellent cook!

The package arrived in this totally cute wrapping paper!! It couldn't have screamed ME any louder.

She also sent me a sweet card with her hand-drawn picture of a "demented octopus with only six tentacles." I love it!

Inside the package were a whole bunch of goodies! I was squealing with delight as I took out each one. First, I found a package of erasers from China!! Each eraser is in the shape of different Chinese foods like rice, noodles and a pineapple. These are just too precious to use for erasing!

Then I found......

A sock-clasp purse with a lipstick design and a broccoli cell phone charm!!! I think I am pretty much in love with the charm!! It definitely represents recovery in some small way and is just too cute for words!!! I think that I am going to put it on display on my key chain!

She also sent me an unpictured box of Chinese tea leaves(!!) and her homemade granola. The granola looks really yummy and I'm just going to have to force myself to try some of it, no matter what ED says. I did have a pic of these but it mysteriously disappeared...grr...

It was just such a wonderful surprise and so encouraging to know that I have found a loving, supporting blogging community who relates to me and loves me back as much as I love them!! Thank you so much Lee for setting this up, and thank you Lida!!

Today was kind of a slow day although I did my best to make the most of it. Around 11:30 I headed off to the gym to do some cardio. Since I've gone so frequently I am trying to mix things up a little bit each time I go. Today I did:

10 minutes of fast-paced walking on the track.

20 minutes on the stair stepper.

10 minutes of stationary bicycle.

Leg press, ab press, various other toning exercises.

It almost killed me not to do at least 50 minutes of cardio at the gym but I wanted to give my body some rest and I knew I would be walking an additional 10 minutes later on anyways.

After working out I came home for lunch, watched a couple episodes of my mom's favorite program with her and then went to TAR-JAY!! I have a $25 dollar gift certificate there that I have been wanting to use so I figured that I deserved a little shopping time. However, it takes me forever when I shop for myself. I must have spent at least an hour and a half before I finally decided to head back home. The problem is that I hate spending money on myself and I'm so indecisive. I guess I'm just worried that I won't buy "the right thing." But I did manage to come home with a few goodies that I really like. I got a cute new lunchbox with multi-colored polka dots, some colorful floral kitchen towels, and eye shadow. I try and post pics tomorrow.

I've also been reading this really incredible book, called "Frannie in Pieces." It's about a fifteen year old girl who is dealing with the aftermath of her father's death. It's by the same author of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" series. I am so captivated I have already worked through about 230 pages. I can't wait to find out the ending!

Here's the Eats!

Breakfast 1/2c Oatbran 1TB Peanut Butter Bosc Pear Cascade Cherry Yogurt 10 Carrots

Snack before Workout 1/2c Applesauce w/ Cinnamon

Lunch 2 Slices No-Salt Bread 1 oz Avochado (yes I know I spelled this wrong, but it sounds cooler) 1 TB Hummus Assorted Veggies Sliced Tomato Pieces Granny Smith

Dinner 6 oz of Tofu sauteed with Assorted Veggies in Vegetable Broth 1 TB Nutritional Yeast Granny Smith Apple and 1/2c Silk Lite Vanilla warmed with 1/2c tsp Cocoa Powder and 2 Wheetabix biscuits, I was in the mood for something sweet...

I also snacked on a small apple at about 9 because I was famished. Surprisingly I don't feel much guilt about it...

Well I'm tired. Have a good night girls!

This is Me

First of all I would just like to thank Amy for the amazing inspiration that she provides everyday through her blog, and for helping us to recognize who we really are without our ED's.

Here's my, Who I Am

I am a girl who is not afraid to speak her mind about the matters that are closest to her heart.

I am reserved, smart, caring and sometimes just a little bit zany when I get too excited. But that is okay, because it prevents me from being totally boring.

I am tall. I always have been tall, I always will be tall. It's just who I am. It's kind of apart of my identity.

I am extremely creative and love challenging myself in every aspect possible.

I like random things and childhood games and crazy, seemingly insignificant stuff that no one else seems to care about. Just the sight of a single red balloon floating through the air is enough to make me smile.

A lot of people would mistake me for being a quiet person, but in reality this is not so. I just do a lot of thinking which usually keeps my mind occupied. Or sometimes I just can't think of what to say. But I'm not quiet.

***

I have done and still do a lot of crazy stuff. Sometimes I worry that this is because I really am crazy, but I am starting to believe that this is a lie.

I have a huge imagination that sometimes gets me into trouble, but can still be a great asset. I overanalyze everything and constantly stive to do things differenlty from everyone else. I like to set myself apart from the norm and go beyond the limits.

I would be lying if I told you that I do not like things to be perfect. I am a perfectionist.

***

Morals are very important to me and shape my actions.

I don't like to cuss (although sometimes I do when I get mad).

I don't like dirty movies, or raunchy television shows or the explotation of sex.

I don't drink.

I don't smoke.

I don't do drugs.

***

I am a hopeless romantic but am very careful about dating. I'm just not exactly keen about getting my heart ripped to shreds by some self-absorbed, irresponsible, uncommited male who's only dating me for my looks. So I'm going to save myself the heart-ache by really taking my time in finding the one who is right for me. My future-boyfriend; my future-husband.

***

I live for old musicals and vintage designs and adore Gene Kelly.

***

I am also scared about everything. From the unknown to the known to the widely feared, my brain is constantly going about a million miles an hour, fretting over the littlest thing.

***

I hate conflict. I wish that people would never fight and there would never be a reason to cry.

***

I am very frugal (most of the time) about spending money on myself, but will frequently shell out 5 bucks on an impulse to buy small trinkets for my family.

And sometimes even though I find myself desperately wishing to be separated from my home, I still really love my family.

I love my mom, dad, sister, brother, and even the super-annoying barking dogs.

Any day of the week I would gladly take a bullet for them.

***

I also have a huge heart, for those that are hurting, and alone and unloved. I can even pray for my neighbors who are greatly disliked and for the estranged members of my family.

I always try to find the good in some people. I don't like to put others down.

I believe that God has given me a heart for girls who are struggling with eating disorders and aspire to one day work with them in helping them overcome these challenges. I am not interested in the fame or publicity that could come from this job, but rather just want to tell the world who I am and where I've been and the events that have led me to my current destination.

***

I want to love the Lord my God with all my heart and soul and my mind. I want to be the person that He has created me to be and have a relationship with Him that is so solid, so strong, and deep, that nothing can ever tear it down. He has performed some amazing miracles in my life and continues to show me the depth of His love.

I am wonderfully and fearfully made.

There have been no mistakes in my creation.

***

But I think that out of all the things that comprise who I am, this one fact is the most important of all...

I AM NOT MY EATING DISORDER!

Synopsis

Sunday

Sunday was a definite day of rest for me. I felt so tired from Habitat for Humanity that I really didn't feel like doing much. I actually fell asleep on the couch after my morning walk! I've never allowed myself to do that before. But I'm glad I did because it felt good!

For breakfast I had one of my new obsessions!

Oikos with Wheetabix!! So yummy!! Never fails to keep me full either.

Then for lunch I was CRAVING french toast, but I wanted to try something new. So I took the idea from Kiki to make carmelized apples, and topped my toasts with them! Delish! Thanks girl!

Since the weather was really...unpleasant...outside I went to the rec center to get in a good workout. I did about 15 minutes on the bicycle, and 15 minutes on the eliptical. Then I did some light weight training and stability ball exercises. Felt great!

After working out, I went with mi madre to go food shopping. Lately whenever I go food shopping I always feel a little down, because I would like to challenge myself but am too scared too. I also feel like I am missing something. I just can't wait for the day when I walk out of the store with a whole bunch of goodies in tow that I want to eat. Look at the size of this apple I found! It must be twice the size of a baseball!! This one's just for you Jamie!!

On the List

Granny Smith Apples

2 Packages of Firm Tofu

Loaf of No-Salt Bread

Amy's Low-Sodium Pinto Bean Soup (thought I'd try something new)

Private Selection's Low-Sodium Tomato Soup (can't get enough of this!!)

Assorted Frozen Veggies (brocolli carrot mushroom celery green bean mixes, this really helped with my early digestive issues this year).

Wallaby Low-Fat Vanilla Yogurt (never tried before but looked yummy!)

Cascade Lemon and Cherry Yogurts

OIKOS PLAIN!!! (I am soooooo happy they now carry it at our store!)

Plum tomatoes

Peeled Baby Carrots

Dinner was a delicious blend of veggies and some tofu and bean stirfry!



A satisfying meal to end the day!!

Sunday's Eats

Breakfast

Oikos Plain

2 Wheetabix

6 almonds

Granny Smith

Lunch

2 Slices No-Salt Bread

1 TB Peanut Butter

1/2c Liquid Egg Whites

1/2 Red delicious carmelized

Other half raw

Assorted Veggies

Cascade Cherry Yogurt

Snack

1/2c Blueberries

1c Silk Lite Vanilla

Dinner

6 oz Tofu

1/2c Kidney Beans

1 TB Nutrional Yeast

Assorted Veggies

All stir-fryed in Vegetable Broth

2 Clementines

Monday

For breakfast I went with my old favorite: Oatbran with PB and a Cascade Cherry Yogurt. This combination never fails to please, because it tastes like a cobbler. Then because I was on a time limit today, I grabbed a quick shower and got dressed for my jean-shopping trip!

I was SO nervous about today because it was my FIRST TIME EVER DRIVING ALONE ON THE HIGHWAY!!! (welllll...that is if you don't count my 1 1/2 hour detour into the city that one day when I got lost). The merge was the thing that I was most worried about. But when the time came, I accelerated steadily and made a smooth transition. A few minutes later and I was no longer afraid. I just cruised along having the time of my life. I can't wait to do it again!

After coming back from jean-shopping I whipped up this super-quick, yummy lunch before heading off to the rec center.

Isn't that plate gorgeous!! What we have here is one sliced orange bell pepper, slices of plum tomato, 2 oz of tuna, and 4 TBSP of Hummus. I also had a glass of warmed Silk Lite Vanilla with cocoa powder and 5 Melba Toasts. The pepper, believe it or not, was actually a challenge because for 1. It was a WHOLE pepper (small but still) and for 2. Usually I have a serving of steamed veggies for my meals.

At the rec center I was still feeling a bit down about the whole "leg" issue. I was actually nervous about exercising because I was afraid that I was just going to make my toned muscles even bigger. Boy was today hard...Anyways, I did some walking for about 15 minutes, jogged at a steady pace for 25 minutes, and then walked for the last ten minutes. Then it was lickedy-split, back home to prepare my dinner and off to work!

Thankfully the kids weren't so difficult to work with today. I actually felt less stressed when I was working with them, and managed to get a lot of their homework done. At about 5:15 my tummy started rumbling so I decided to challenge myself by snacking on my apples then instead of waiting to eat them with dinner. I am very proud to say that I listened to my hunger cues in this situation and when I was eating dinner I didn't miss their absence.

I packed some Tomato Soup with tofu cubes and Nutrional Yeast for dinner. I also ate some steamed veggies. Perfect!

And now if you would excuse me, it is waaaay past my bedtime and I NEED to turn in!

Goodnight!

Monday's eats

Breakfast

1/2c Oatbran

1 TB Peanut Butter

Granny Smith Apple

Cascade Cherry Yogurt

10 Carrots

Lunch

Sliced Pepper

4 TB Hummus

2 oz Tofu

Assorted Veggies

Slices of Plum Tomato

Granny Smith Apple

1c Silk Lite Vanilla

5 Melba Toasts

Snack

1c Silk Lite Vanilla

1/4c Blueberries

Dinner

6 oz Tofu

1c Private Selection Low-Sodium Tomato Soup

1 TB Nutritional Yeast

Assorted Veggies

Granny Smith Apple

You Ain't Nothing But a Hound Dog

Well you ain't never made me happy, and ED you ain't no friend of mine!!

I am so glad this day is almost over! ED has been absolutely nipping at my heels, hounding me this entire day. It started before I left to go shopping for some new jeans. Everytime I look at my legs I always get discouraged and start feeling depressed because I think that they just look so huge. I am always comparing my body size to PRE-ED and POST-ED and DURING-ED, and I am never happy with the present. My body size has definitely changed a little bit, which is probably because I have never fully allowed myself to recover. Whenever I get up to that healthy weight, I freak and start restricting again. This in turn has wrecked havoc on my body and has resulted in slightly bigger proportions. Which I hate. But I am still trying and want to resume normal,healthy eating.

To be perfectly honest I really am tired of the restricting and the starving and just in general being afraid of food. I want to love who God has created me to be, and respect my body, and be at peace with food. I just need to learn how to TRUST first.

Anyways, I did end up getting a new pair of jeans!! Yea for jeans!!! I cannot tell you how desperate I was for jeans. My favorite pair is now seriously faded and makes even the "naturally" destroyed look sophisticated, and my other pairs are so big they threaten to expose my panties! Yikes! So at least now I can feel a little more confident at school and stuff.

ED still refused to give up, and continued to persist me for the remainder of the day, making me loathe and despair over my legs, my butt, my thighs etc. At one point I thought that I was going to burst into tears. I am so burned out from all of the negative body-bashing that I do. It makes me feel like crap.

I am sick and tired of this. It seems that no matter what I do to improve my appearance, I am never happy. If it's not my thighs, it's the size of my stomach, and when it's not my stomach it's the fact that my teeth aren't pearly white or my eyes look too red. Without even really trying that hard I can find any part on my body to pick apart and criticize. It never ends!!!

And so, I have resolved to STOP THE BODY-BASHING!!
This doesn't do any good for me. It only makes me feel even worse. It encourages restricting and more disordered eating behavior. It gives the Devil a foothold and entices the ED to come back. It just makes me feel miserable!!!!

No matter what I do, it's never Good Enough. And no matter how hard I try, I'm never Good Enough. So I just need to S T O P.

From now on, each day I am going to challenge myself not to body-bash. Instead, I am going to FIND features and traits that I like about myself and embrace them and give thanks.

It's going to be very difficult, because I tend to be very VERY critical when it comes to assessing myself. But it's one thing that I know I desperately need to start doing.

Love myself.

Learn to see me as God sees me.

Be thankful that I am who I am and that I am still alive.

Otherwise, I may never recover.


IF THIS POST WAS TRIGGERING IN ANY WAY (THE FIRST PART OF IT) I SINCERELY APPOLOGIZE! IN NO WAY DID I MEAN TO TRIGGER ANYBODY. MY BODY IS NOT ACTUALLY FAT RIGHT NOW, IT IS JUST NOT EXACTLY THE SIZE THAT I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE. BUT I AM WORKING ON LEARNING HOW TO ACCEPT MYSELF REGARDLESS OF SIZE.

Habitat for Humanity!!!

Insert Mega-Giant Yawn here--

Wow, what a day!! I cannot believe how much fun I had today! It was amazing!!

My day started out bright and early at 5:30 this morning. After shaking out the sleep-dust from my eyes, I hopped in the shower, got dressed and prepared for my first time ever volunteering with Habitat for Humanity. I woke up a little earlier than I could have, because I had to finish wrapping up my package for my V-DAY buddy!!! But no worries, it got to the post office safe and sound and the goodies are on their way!! Sorry I was a little late girl! I cannot wait for you to see what I got you!!

Then I ate a quick breakfast and drove off to the construction-site.
I had no idea what to expect. The last time I volunteered it was with my church and we ended up doing some landscaping work and built a wall out of concrete slabs. Oh yea, you know how strong I am with my muscles!! haha
So I didn't know exactly if I was going to be painting, or installing cabinets, or pulling weeds or what. I just knew that I was going to be building something and it was going to be on a house.

Well when I got there, I saw this medium-sized two story house. It was almost a complete skeleton on the inside, and no carpeting or plaster had been installed yet. The guy who was in charge gave us a brief introduction of everything and then we all gathered in prayer before beginning our mission. I thought that was really cool.

Then he pulled our group aside and explained that we were in charge of putting the siding on the house.
Um, excuse me, what? What did you just say?! And just how am I supposed to do this? Do I look like a carpenter to you?!!!

Eventually I got over the shock and pitched in.

We worked for 8 hours straight today and let me tell you, I did it all! I helped measure siding, hauled it around, lifted it, and even nailed it in place. And I've never even used a hammer before! Did you know that hammering is really, really HARD? At first I was completely helpless and couldn't even get a nail to stick in the board. My whole group was laughing at me and joking around. My group leader said that I am probably the first and only person he has ever seen to use a hammer with both hands!! Hey, I think it's way easier! Plus you don't risk losing a thumb in the process. But by the end of the day I was almost a pro at it and left everyone in the dust....Naw just kidding :)

By about noon we broke for lunch which was catered by this nice gal down by the local donut shop. She brought everyone mondo chili-cheese dogs and two boxes of glazed, frosted, and sugared donuts. I was glad that I had thought to pack a lunch for myself ahead of time because I know that I wouldn't have been able to eat the meal. Then I would've starved and have hurt my body by doing so and that wouldn't have been good.

Towards the end of the day everyone was really tired and all to glad to help clean up the worksite before heading home. In total, we (just my group) paneled a good fourth of two sides of the house, up to the windows and I also did a little nailing inside as well. The owner of the house also worked with us and was really kind and sweet and appreciative of our help. We might even be thinking about going back in a little bit to help him with interior or exterior painting. But only if it's warm. It was FREEZING outside today and we all had a tough time working through the cold. But I'm still glad I helped. It was something I will never forget.

After working, I headed over to the rec center for a quick, fast-paced workout. Unfortunately ED was hounding me today about not getting exercise but I was able to push him aside while I was working, and just enjoy being with my good friends and having a good time. I also needed to warm up and get my blood flowing again, BAD! Then it was off to Safeway for some Greek-yogurt (the kind I bought at VC yesterday was not that good and tasted like a cheap imitation), home for a filling dinner, and an evening spent with my family watching episodes of Cosby and lounging in front of the fireplace.

Bliss.

Today's eats!

Breakfast
1/2c Oatbran
1 TB Peanut Butter
Cascade Lemon Yogurt
D'anjou Pear

Lunch, eaten at the construction site
2 Slices No-Salt Bread
3 oz of Tofu
Sliced Orange Pepper
Granny Smith Apple
Zen Soy Capucchino (I know I spelled that wrong)

I didn't really get to eat a snack today, although I did pack an Apple Pie Larabar just in case I needed the extra energy.

Dinner
Vegetables sauteed in Veggie Broth
4 TB of Hummus
5 Slices of Wheat Melba Toast
Granny Smith Apple
Oikos Plain with Cinnamon

PICTURE DAY!!

Good evening ever-body. Hope you all are doing well.

I am SORE everywhere!! Yesterday in Strength Toning my teacher had us do a series fitness circuits. We had to do 4 minutes each of squats, scissors lunges, walking lunges, pushups, side bends, planks, jumping jacks, and other stuff. It was hard!! But I felt great afterward and I love feeling sore.

Today was kind of a long, hard day but I managed to pull through okay.

First of all I woke up this morning (early) to the sound of my sister fighting with my dad about not wanting to go to school. Eh. Not fun. Normally I wouldn't have allowed this affect my eating for the day because I get very upset when people in my family fight, BUT I have learned to work through the anger and sadness and not cut back!! Yea.

Later on in the day I walked to the library to chill and give myself time to calm down about the fight this morning. Even though it was REALLY windy all day, I found my walk to be quite enjoyable and relaxing. The sun rays beat down, the air was warm and I just felt good.

The rest of the day went okay too, although it was pretty--yawn--booooorrring.

But then after coming home from work, I had myself a d-licious dinner and went FOOD SHOPPING.

I never realized this, but I actually enjoy shopping for my own food. I like walking up and down the aisles, and scouting for new products that I can eat. I especially love going to Whole Foods and Vitamin Cottage! They have the best products, all natural, totally healthy and I love seeing the different varieties of food. Pumpkin seed butter, Carob Powder, Hempmilk:) It's like being in a museum. I love it. Sometimes I don't even need food, and I just go in to look around.

*****

I finally remembered to put the card in my phone so I can post pictures now!! Here's a little of what went down today.

Ate breakfast in my totally cute Valentine's bowl that I got at Safeway. This bowl makes me smile every time I use it, and just makes eating so much more fun!

After the library I was really really hungry and came back and prepared this for lunch.

That's an eggwhite and tuna patty-ish thing (I microwaved the eggwhite and the tuna together in a bowl) on my numero uno No-Salt bread, with one ounce of avochado and assorted veggies on the side. I also had a Granny Smith apple and a cup of Silk Lite Vanilla. Yummy.

I didn't get a chance to photograph my dinner, but here's some pics of food shopping!! Hehe the customers must have thought I was a loon. First I went to Albertsons, but I didn't get anything. I did find some cool looking stuff though.

Look at this! Wine Jelly from Italy. How cool is that?

Plus I found this

Did you know they sold biscotti in stores??? I didn't. BTW, biscotti is Italian. I learned that from my class this week:)

Well, Albertson's was a bust so I hopped on over to Vitamin Cottage to finish up my search.

After browsing around for a bit I headed straight for the yogurt for some Greek deliciousness.

But I found this instead! Greek yogurt with--gasp!--figs on the bottom!! It was too good to be true! Never before have I seen something quite so scrumptious looking. The fig is absolutely my FAVORITE fruit. I used to love snacking on the Nabisco Fig Newton's when I was a little girl. One of the days I am so going to eat the Newman's version! They look so yummy!!!

I ended up not going with the fig yogurt:( though. Sigh. Stupid ED said that it had waay to much fat in it. Pshaw. But I will be back to try it someday. Instead I ended up getting

Two containers of plain, non-fat
Greek Yogurt. I can't wait to eat it tomorrow with breakfast, because I've never tried this brand before.

I also got

Zen Soy Portable Cappuccino (also an Italian word) Soymilk!!! These are so gooooood!!! Brings back the good-ole days of sipping on frothy cappuccinos, aaahhhh.

I have a super big day tomorrow. I volunteered to help with Habitat for Humanity in my area and I am going to be working for like 8 hours straight. I'm really excited for this opportunity but a little nervous. I hope my body is strong enough to handle the hard work and I can at least be sensible to bring a little extra food for nourishment. Wish me luck!!

Here's the full eats!

Breakfast
1/2c Oatbran
1 TB Peanut Butter
Cascade Cherry Yogurt (mixed with the hot oatbran it tastes like a cherry cobler!! so goood!)
Granny Smith Apple
10 Carrots (for some weird reason I always crave carrots with breakfast)

Lunch
2 Slices No-Salt Bread
1/4c All Whites
About 1 oz of Tuna
Slices of Plum Tomato
Assorted Veggies
1 oz Avochado!
Red Delicious Apple
1 c Silk Lite Vanilla

Snack
1/2c of frozen blueberries (I am working on building up my snack again but I am happy I can at least to this. Soon I'm going to upgrade it to a full fruit and then after that more and then I won't be so nervous. I think it was stupid anyway that I cut out the snack though. I get soo hungry and I didn't have a problem eating it before. Stupid ED....)

Dinner
1c Private Selection Low Sodium Tomato Soup
1 TB Nutritional Yeast
6 oz of Tofu
Assorted Veggies
Granny Smith Apple

Yea I coulda done one more grain here, but I was feeling...cantankerous I suppose.

Well, goodnight girls!!

P.s. posting pictures is a PAIN!!! I keep having to move everything around!!!