Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Taking the First Step

After I made the decision (which was actually made during a zone-out sesh in my Sosh class, hehe) I called my mom and told her that I was going to go through with it. She couldn't have been more supportive and told me how much she loved me and was so proud of me. Seriously, her love just overflowed. One thing that I am grateful for that has happened during my relapses is that I have been able to salvage and cultivate and heal in my relationship with my mother. Before we were bitter enemies. Now we are practically friends. :)

During my next class I really began thinking about the magnitude of my decision. This was it. No more going back. No more eating disorder.

I do not have the option of going back anymore.

It really scared me realizing all of this. And I began to get a little bit panicky.

After class I talked to my mom before my appointment and she again reassured me that I could do this. I told her that I was nervous and that it was going to be hard but that I was going to do this. Before I hung up, we prayed together on the phone.

Going into the appointment I was very nervous but had a new perspective on the situation. I was compliant and mostly agreeable with my dietician and addressed all of the issues that I was worried about. I asked about portions and meal planning and exercise and everything that I could think of. I even told her that if need be I would be willing to go up to a healthy goal weight--something I have NEVER wanted to do before. I want to do this, and I want to do this RIGHT. I don't want to make excuses for my ED anymore.

I also think that God challenged me during the appointment. Normally when I go in for a visit my dietician weighs me in a hospital gown, but this time I could only be weighed in my clothes because the exam room was unavailable. This made me nervous, because I felt like or ED felt like I had to know where I was at so I could get the most accurate evidence of whether or not I actually was bigger. But I think that God just wanted me to trust Him, that no matter where I was at, it was going to be okay.

The appointment lasted about an HOUR. It was A LOT of ground to cover. In the end we got a lot of things cleared up and settled upon a good meal plan. I even asked her about one of my biggest fear foods, sugar.

GIRLS, LISTEN UP. She said that I don't have to worry about how much sugar I am consuming (she wants me to do at least 7 fruits, some of them from honey, molasses, etc). Basically our bodies do not know the difference between a sugar sugar and a carb sugar because everything gets broken down into sugars in our bodies when we eat them anyways. This totally defies the "laws of the media" but is absolutely TRUE.
I love learning about nutrition.
Well after the appointment I was hungry and decided to eat the Cashew Cookie Larabar that I have had in my purse for like a week. Originally I wasn't going to eat any more food than I have been until tomorrow, but I just decided to go ahead with it. I ate that bar and I enjoyed it. I didn't feel any remorse. And it was good.
When I got home me and my mom went food shopping for some new items. I bought all of the things I have been wanting to try lately but have held off on, and am so excited to try them. So my meals are going to be WAAAAAY different now. :)
On the List
Annie's Honey Bunnies
Annie's individually packaged Chocolate Chip Bunnies
Mi-Del Graham Crackers
Rudy's Bakery Honey Sweet Wheat Bagels
Stonyfield/Sonyfield?? Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt
Bananas (oh yea, after seeing everybody eat them I have had a craving for some)
No-Salt Bread
Kashi Almond-Flavored (ish) Shredded Wheat
PB&CO Cinnamon Raisin PB
Mini Almond Milks

ED really tried fighting me when I was picking out these things, screaming at me that it was all too much sugar. It was hard and I felt like a fatty and like I was over-indulging. But I fought back.

For dinner that night I made some celebratory Pumpkin Pancakes topped with my new PB&CO Cinnamon Raisin PB. OMG!! This stuff is amazing!! It is so thick and grainy! I swear it's made with almonds though instead of PB. I was nervous eating it, thinking "omg what am I doing? I am eating sugar!!!" but again I pushed through. I also had one of my new Almond Milks with dinner. These were.....different. They greatly remind me of Almond Butter, but are a little blander in taste. I think I prefer soymilk, really but at least I tried something new.

Because I love my Pancake recipe so much I am going to share it with yall!! I got the idea from, and then just modified it. These are seriously DEE-LISH-US!! The batter is fragile though so it's best to make the pancakes small. The recipe usually makes about 8-12 small pancakes.

Raina's Amazing Pumpkin Pancakes


1/2c Allwhites

1/2c Oatbran (or oatmeal)

2 TB Pumpkin Puree

1TB of sweetener to chose (honey and molasses works great or you can use 2 TB of applesauce if you don't like them too sweet).

Anything else you like to add: cinnamon, 2 TB of vanilla milk, vanilla extract to give it some flav-a. I usually make mine bland and top it with PB or Jelly.


If using oatmeal, blend all ingredients together in a blender for a few seconds. In the meantime, have a small-sized hot frying pan ready on the stove on medium heat. When the pan is heated up, ladel batter onto the surface in four small circles. Allow the pancakes to cook for a little, and then flip them, until both sides are cooked to your liking. It only takes about 1 minute to 2 minutes to fully cook each pancake. Repeat with the rest of your batter. Top pancake beauties with PB, Jelly, Honey, Syrup, or just eat them plain. Enjoy!!


Anonymous February 19, 2009 at 4:27 AM  

i am praying for your strength love!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own understanding;
Think about Him in all your ways,
and He will guide you on the right paths.

dancelikenooneiswatching February 19, 2009 at 6:56 AM  

i am soooo proud of have made such a big step forward and there is no going back :) here's to a beautiful journey xxxxx

Elle February 19, 2009 at 8:49 AM  

The first trip to the grocery store after making the commitment to change is REALLY overwhelming - I think I was there for close to two hours picking out my new eats.

Your post about giving ED over to God and placing your trust in Him was really powerful. I know He'll give you the strength you need to overcome this.