Well, the jury is in and they have settled on a verdict. I need to gain back weight. My mom told me straight up yesterday afternoon that she has made an appointment with my nutritionist again. There is no backing out. I know I need to do this but I still can't help but be scared. All these what-ifs keep circling around my head, "What if my body gets even bigger?" "What if I gain too much weight?" "What if I'm not very active some days?" What-if, what-if, what-if.
But I have learned a couple of things in the past two months or so. First of all, I am nearing my twenties. My body is going to change in size and shape, regardless of how little I eat or what weight I intentionally force myself to stay at.
I am a woman.
I am developing and my body is supposed to be developing. When I first started having an ED, I was about 15 years old. That was a long time ago. When I was discharged from the EDU, that was over 2 years ago. And, like it or not, my body has changed since then and I will not always be able to be as small as I was before. For the first time in my life, I need to learn how to accept and love my body for what it is. To embrace my curves, and feel confident about looking healthy and happy and strong. Ever since I was a little girl I have always struggled with hating my body. From the embarrassing days in gymnastics, walking around on the mats in my leotard and just feeling so HUGE, to when one of my friends' brothers called me fat, I have never liked the person that I saw in the mirror.
So many personal issues are wrapped up in my ED.
But most importantly, I want to be