Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I Think I'm Ready to Fly

Well, the jury is in and they have settled on a verdict. I need to gain back weight. My mom told me straight up yesterday afternoon that she has made an appointment with my nutritionist again. There is no backing out. I know I need to do this but I still can't help but be scared. All these what-ifs keep circling around my head, "What if my body gets even bigger?" "What if I gain too much weight?" "What if I'm not very active some days?" What-if, what-if, what-if.

But I have learned a couple of things in the past two months or so. First of all, I am nearing my twenties. My body is going to change in size and shape, regardless of how little I eat or what weight I intentionally force myself to stay at.

I am a woman.

I am developing and my body is supposed to be developing. When I first started having an ED, I was about 15 years old. That was a long time ago. When I was discharged from the EDU, that was over 2 years ago. And, like it or not, my body has changed since then and I will not always be able to be as small as I was before. For the first time in my life, I need to learn how to accept and love my body for what it is. To embrace my curves, and feel confident about looking healthy and happy and strong. Ever since I was a little girl I have always struggled with hating my body. From the embarrassing days in gymnastics, walking around on the mats in my leotard and just feeling so HUGE, to when one of my friends' brothers called me fat, I have never liked the person that I saw in the mirror.

So many personal issues are wrapped up in my ED.

But I desperatley want to look beyond them.
I want to stop hanging on to my past, and focus on creating a new future, a new life for myself.
I want to completely enjoy myself without contanstanly worrying about what other people think of me.
I want to be able to LOVE myself, and learn to have forgiveness for my mistakes and focus on the wonderful live God has set before me.
I want to be able to go to parties and actually, maybe eat some of the food and not worry anymore.
I want to stop making excuses for my eating behaviors, and not be ashamed to tell others my story.
I want to smile.
I want to laugh.

But most importantly, I want to be

I know that I can do this. A part of me does want to get better. I know that a small part of me really wants to move forward because sometimes when I go food shopping I see a really yummy- looking, healthy food product that I want to try. And I wish that I could eat it, but I'll hold off on buying it because I'm still afraid. So I know that one part of me is ready, but the other part is still holding on, afraid to change.
I just have to give over total control to God....
Take that giant leap of faith....
And trust that everything is going to be alright.
It's going to be a long, hard, stressful, tiresome, and difficult road.
But I think I am ready.


dancelikenooneiswatching February 6, 2009 at 4:06 AM  

i am so glad you are ready to fly...i am in the exact same situation as you...any weight gained will be scary..but it is so important we do it and keep going! we are women now and need to embrace our womanly bodies which are beautiful and need to be loved :) xxxx

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