Well you ain't never made me happy, and ED you ain't no friend of mine!!
I am so glad this day is almost over! ED has been absolutely nipping at my heels, hounding me this entire day. It started before I left to go shopping for some new jeans. Everytime I look at my legs I always get discouraged and start feeling depressed because I think that they just look so huge. I am always comparing my body size to PRE-ED and POST-ED and DURING-ED, and I am never happy with the present. My body size has definitely changed a little bit, which is probably because I have never fully allowed myself to recover. Whenever I get up to that healthy weight, I freak and start restricting again. This in turn has wrecked havoc on my body and has resulted in slightly bigger proportions. Which I hate. But I am still trying and want to resume normal,healthy eating.
To be perfectly honest I really am tired of the restricting and the starving and just in general being afraid of food. I want to love who God has created me to be, and respect my body, and be at peace with food. I just need to learn how to TRUST first.
Anyways, I did end up getting a new pair of jeans!! Yea for jeans!!! I cannot tell you how desperate I was for jeans. My favorite pair is now seriously faded and makes even the "naturally" destroyed look sophisticated, and my other pairs are so big they threaten to expose my panties! Yikes! So at least now I can feel a little more confident at school and stuff.
ED still refused to give up, and continued to persist me for the remainder of the day, making me loathe and despair over my legs, my butt, my thighs etc. At one point I thought that I was going to burst into tears. I am so burned out from all of the negative body-bashing that I do. It makes me feel like crap.
I am sick and tired of this. It seems that no matter what I do to improve my appearance, I am never happy. If it's not my thighs, it's the size of my stomach, and when it's not my stomach it's the fact that my teeth aren't pearly white or my eyes look too red. Without even really trying that hard I can find any part on my body to pick apart and criticize. It never ends!!!
And so, I have resolved to STOP THE BODY-BASHING!!
This doesn't do any good for me. It only makes me feel even worse. It encourages restricting and more disordered eating behavior. It gives the Devil a foothold and entices the ED to come back. It just makes me feel miserable!!!!
No matter what I do, it's never Good Enough. And no matter how hard I try, I'm never Good Enough. So I just need to S T O P.
From now on, each day I am going to challenge myself not to body-bash. Instead, I am going to FIND features and traits that I like about myself and embrace them and give thanks.
It's going to be very difficult, because I tend to be very VERY critical when it comes to assessing myself. But it's one thing that I know I desperately need to start doing.
Otherwise, I may never recover.
IF THIS POST WAS TRIGGERING IN ANY WAY (THE FIRST PART OF IT) I SINCERELY APPOLOGIZE! IN NO WAY DID I MEAN TO TRIGGER ANYBODY. MY BODY IS NOT ACTUALLY FAT RIGHT NOW, IT IS JUST NOT EXACTLY THE SIZE THAT I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE. BUT I AM WORKING ON LEARNING HOW TO ACCEPT MYSELF REGARDLESS OF SIZE.