Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Revelation

This past week has been absolute TORTURE!

Every single day ED has been whispering in my ear, telling me that I am fat. But on Sunday the attack was unbearable. While I was sitting in church I started looking down at my legs and the barrage began.

My thighs are huge.
My legs are bigger than they used to be.
My butt is massive and my body is squishy, flabby and disgusting.
By the time the sermon was over I literally felt sick to my stomach. It was as if I had just emerged from a vicious onslaught and was left battered, brusised and broken. I spent the entire day in a depressed slump, bemoaning the size of my thighs and hating on the body. It was awful.

Finally I decided to get out of the house and go to the rec center to try and ease my depression. While I was in the car I began praying to God...

I started out appologizing for my behavior and how I had been so self-absorbed during church. I was so ashamed that I had allowed myself to become so internally focused that I had neglected hearing the sermon today. I mean it was in CHURCH for crying out loud!! My mind should be focused on GOD!! NOT ON MY BODY!! I felt so guilty.
Then I began telling about how awful it was to always be under attack and how I felt so helpless. Suddenly a thought immediately popped into my head.
Now I know there might be sceptics out there, but I can honestly say that this is how God talks to me. He puts thoughts into my head that so unexplainable, so relevant, and so eye-opening that they can only come from Him. That was how He spoke to me when I made the decision to recover last year, and when I made the decision to trust Him FULLY with recovery this year.
This is what my thought was: Why didn't I ask Him for help?
And that was when the lights went on.
Why didn't I ask Him for help? Why wasn't I able to recognize the attack and cry out to Him?
Instead, I had allowed myself to be beaten down by the voice of my ED. No wonder why I felt defeated!!
Show of hands:
How many of you regularly find yourselves under attack by your ED?
How many of you honestly find yourself hating your body from time to time?
Hmmm...thought so.
How many of you recognize when you are being attacked?
Last question.
How many of you believe that what ED says is true?
That day I learned a few things:
*to recognize that I was being attacked.
*to begin to resist giving in to self-criticism.
*to remember that I wasn't in this battle alone.
So here is my challenge for you no matter how far you are in your recovery. Whenever you begin to hear the voice of your ED creeping up on your thoughts, digging its nails into your flesh and weighing you down with criticism until your are helpless in its grasp--stop.
Don't give in to the lies. Stop beating yourself up. Stop allowing yourself to be dragged down. And above all
And ask for HELP.
We can't do this on our own girls, especially if our reality of the truth is distorted.


tinyirishdancer February 25, 2009 at 3:22 PM  

Aw. *huggle*
I'm sorry you've been having a rough week. =[

Interestingly, I had something of a panic attack this morning at a school liturgy, although it was more claustrophobia related..
But, still, odd coincidink!

Your posts are always so inspiring! While I'm not a very religious person myself, I can definitely relate to having issues with asking for help.
So I'm going to take you up on that challenge. ;]

Hope you're having a fabulous Tuesday! Take care, girlie! <3

Jaime February 25, 2009 at 8:10 PM  

great post girl! i really enjoyed it because sometimes we try to do "everything ourselves" when it comes to this- and its OK to ask for help-- especially from a higher power :) xoxoxox great revelation xo

Laura: Learning to Love February 25, 2009 at 8:25 PM  

Ask for help...

simple enough.
I don't know why I didn't think of that. A lot of times I don't like asking for help but I'm going to try. Help from God, help from my friends, family, anyone.


Elle February 25, 2009 at 8:59 PM  

I love this post. One thing I've decided to do, especially with the beginning of Lent, is give my eating disorder over to God and ask for His help. I've really been struggling with reconciling my THOUGHTS and my ACTIONS - I feel like my mind wants more than anything to be in recovery mode, but it's so difficult to turn those intentions to eat more, to try new fear foods, etc. into actions.

I've always had a hard time asking for help, but I know that I really can't do this alone. Your post was so inspirational; thank you for being so candid and honest about something that is so personal.

Your birthday is on Friday? That's awesome :) Do you have any big plans aside from possibly feasting on some Mac & Cheese shells?!

Have a wonderful night!

Anonymous February 26, 2009 at 11:47 AM  

I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time lately! But that's a great realization to make. I wasn't raised to be religious, but asking for any sort of help at all is difficult for me. I have to take advantage of all the support others can offer me! Enjoy your day!

Emmy February 26, 2009 at 7:24 PM  

I can relate to you, I'm recovering from an ed, and I used to do the same thing in church, its so hard, sometimes I still catch myself doing it, I realize that God is my foundation, and I need him in order to recover, and I'm sick of ed taking over my life and not letting me grow in my relationship with God, when I realized this, it was when I knew i needed to recover.