Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Open Your Eyes

I should really be going to bed right now, but I just had to get this out.

While battling my eating disorder over a period that has been far too long, I have found that in the most unexpected times, I am able to look beyond my distored perception of my body, and see who I really am. I was fortunate to have one of these experiences today. It was this morning, while I was getting ready for school. Already in a rush, I was hastily trying to find some nice clothes to wear while desperately pleading with my hair to just "please look normal for once." I had just thrown on a sports bra and my new pair of workout pants, when I just happened to see my reflection in the mirror. And I couldn't believe what I saw. Somehow God had momentarily lifted the thick veil from eyes and allowed me to see just how emanciated my body has become recently. I saw the unnatural slimness of my waist, the jutting shoulder bones, and my tiny profile. Instead of glorifying the thinness of my body like I usually do and lovingly tracing the bones, I was shocked by my appearance. I literally said, "Oh my God," out loud.

I'm not going to lie, but lately I have been sort of hoping to lose weight, convinced that I am larger than I need to be, and have started restricting again. I really don't know where my head was though, thinking that I could lose some flab and inches without actually losing weight. I mean I am already at a low BMI, so losing more weight is just a bad idea. I guess that I just thought I could go back to being super skinny, but I really didn't think about the consequences.? Stupid I know. But I really can't believe that it has gotten this far. Sigh. Just the cunning works of an eating disorder. Did I mention that anorexia is a full on pain in the butt, yet? Well, it is. It never ceases to amaze me just how deceptive, and tricky and sly our EDs are. We all really need to keep on our toes and pray for protection and strength to recognize and fight it off.

After seeing myself in the mirror, the rest of my perspective this morning slightly changed. I went downstairs and had some delicious carrot-cake oats (Kiki, you are a genius!) but felt a little guilty about how little I was eating. In my first year of dealing with anorexia, this familiar guilt usually lead me to binge-eat or eat on impulse in a desperate attempt to--I don't know what, get better maybe? Anyways, I felt this same urge but resisted it, knowing that it wasn't an effective way to overcome my ED because this behavior always makes me revert back. Although I saw how thin I was this morning, I still couldn't fight off the demands to stick to the same amount of food for breakfast. Bummer.

Then in health class we watched this movie about how incredible our bodies are. While watching this movie I was absolutely amazed at how God not only designed the physical appearances of our bodies, but the inner workings as well, so that everything would work together in harmony. I was amazed at how intricately each individual's system is and how our bodies know how to function in a crisis. For instance, did you know that our muscles store energy so that during the most crucial and life-threating moments, they can release all that energy in one great burst to give us super-human capabilities like lifting a massive boulder off our chests? Totally blew me away. And, did you know that our hip bones alone are so durable that they can withstand the weight of one ton, before snapping under pressure. Needless to say all of this information made me feel extremely guilty about the damage that I have inflicted upon my body. I mean, God has given this incredible body, with muscles and fibers that can do the most simplest tasks like lifting a glass of water, to the unthinkable like surviving a fall down the stairs at the age of 2. My body is God's temple and I really need to learn how to love and take care of my body, and respect it.

Unfortunately, the revelations did not last long. As the day progressed, I began to feel more and more sluggish and more and more fat (ugh). By the time I was driving to work, ED was in full force once again and demanded control. I did my best to fight him off, but I know that I could've done better. I ended my day with a workout at the rec center, and finished watching the movie, Clueless, which was totally cute.

I know that God is desperately trying to reach me these days in every little and big way that He can. The daily verses that I get in my mailbox are all about trusting Him and letting Him handle problems, as well as the inspirations from Girlfriends in God and Proverbs 31. I know that what I am doing is wrong, and I know that I need to stop, and I need to start eating more again. I even want to stop sometimes, and just be normal again. But this is so hard!! Most times I can't even separate my thoughts from the ED thoughts, and although I felt like I was trying to have my problem again, I realize that it was ED just pulling me down, tempting me with a juicy lure. And I took it, hook, line, and sinker. I don't even know where it all started happening. Two months ago I was doing fine, and great and then the next moment I was faced with this huge lie, that I foolishly believed. And now look where I am. Not very far from where I was last year. But I am fighting, with every ounce I have left, even if most of me has already given in to defeat. I am not going to let ED win. I will not let him win.

Today's eats!

Carrot-cake oats
1/2c Oatmeal cooked with
Various spices
5 Shredded carrots
1/2c Silk Lite Vanilla
1 TB Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt (not that it really matters. One of the gains that I have made in recovery is being able to allow myself tiny "extras" like so without freaking out about them. A big step for me.)
6 almonds
1/2c Silk Lite Vanilla on the side
1 Small Red Pear

I had the most delicious sandwich! So yummy!
2 Slices No-Salt Bread w/
3 ounces sliced Tofu
5 more shredded carrots (btw ED has this weird rule about eating more than 10 carrots a day...something about the carbs and sugar. BUT it used to be 5 so this is progress at least).
2 TB Hummus
Assorted Veggies
6 strawberries
Oikos Honey on the Bottom Greek Yogurt (bliss I tell you, bliss)

I was starving and although I felt shamefull because I caved, it was the right thing. Right? Sometimes I find myself cheering myself on for eating less. I guess this is ED, though. I used to think it was just me. Ugh, it's so hard distinguishing b/t the two.
4 strawberries
1c Silk Lite Vanilla warmed for 2 min in the microwave with 1 TB cocoa powder
1 more carrot (take that ED!)

Assorted Veggies
2 oz of Tuna
1 TB Hummus
1/2c Kashi Pilaf
1 Granny Smith Apple

Also, I have been trying to challenge myself lately with doing different types of fruit, instead of just the hard ones. I always like to have fruit with my meals (partly an ED thing, partly becaue I heart fruit) but I am trying to branch out from just apples and pears all the time.

Good night girls! I hope everyone has a restful sleep and your days are totally ED-Free tomorrow!


Jaime February 4, 2009 at 5:58 AM  

good for you for eating your snack lady- you were HUNGRY you NEEDED IT! tehre is a reason our bodies get hungry-- they need fuel!! it seems like you are starting to realize what it is that YOU truly want. i think you are doing marvelous.. keep it up! stay strong xoxox

Kiki February 4, 2009 at 11:32 AM  

Hey, I'm glad you had a moment of clarity today. That's the real you! The next time you're struggling, read the second paragraph of this post. I can tell that that it the rational side of you, the side that really wants to get better, speaking. Even if it was only for a couple hours, it's great that you managed to see through ED's lies. Do you have a therapist? Because I know you're trying so hard, but I think a therapist could give you lots of tips and helpful insight that you need. Have a wonderful day!