Thursday, February 19, 2009

Soggy Sandwiches and a Sosh Test

Even though this is only my second day on a new meal plan, I am definitely beginning to get nervous. Yesterday I ate certain kinds of food that I was too scared to before, and ate them with no problem. Basically I just told myself that I needed to do this and I need to gain weight and there was no going back. And I just did it. To be perfectly honest, it really scares me when eating is too easy and when my ED is quiet. This makes me worried that the recovery will be too quick and these issues will just disappear overnight. However, it also makes me worry that ED is lying low, just waiting for the opportune moment to attack me and drag me back down.

Lately I've been feeling like I could eat ANYTHING and not feel any guilt later on. Sometimes its even like I forget about the importance of eating healthily and I feel like suddenly all of my ED rules have vanished. This really worries me. How can an ED just disappear overnight?! Answer: it can't. I know from experience that if I let my guard down too easily and begin to eat normally again, eventually the remorse will catch up with me and I will restrict even worse. So right now I am fighting the temptation to just eat and eat and eat as well as the temptation to restrict. Will you gals please pray for me?


Anyways on to today.
School days are always stressful for me and--as per usual--I was running late again. This morning I had decided ahead of time that I was going to skip 1st period and use the extra time to study for my Sosh test. (sosh=sociology in "me" speak). Well, on the way to the campus, suddenly I remembered that I had forgot to pack a serving of veggies for my lunch. I thought about just going with the carrots but then I realized that if I ate those I would be left with just hummus for a snack. Ick. Plus, ED says that carrots don't really count as veggies. So I made a quick detour to Safeway to pick up a pepper and some apples. What should have been a 5 minute run turned into a 20 minute delay because I did some browsing (hey I couldn't help it) and the self checkout refused my pepper!! When I finally got out of that store and to the school I was a frazzled mess and decided to take my walk before studying.

My walk was really really nice. The air was crisp and comforting, and the sun beat down warm and friendly. I was able to free my head, enjoy my surroundings and just breathe. I even saw a WOODPECKER pecking away at a tree. I have never seen one of these before! They are fascinating creatures and really small and really loud. I also used the time to talk with God. I told Him about my fears concerning weight gain and asked Him to help me trust Him with my life.

When I got back to the campus I was in a much better mood and disposition and decided to eat my snack. This is when my day fell apart, girls. Opening up my lunchbox I realized that almost my entire waterbottle had leaked. There was literally about an inch to 2 inches of water in the bottom. In a panic I quickly grabbed all of the items, dried them off and dumped the water from the lunchbox outside. I thought that I had been able to save everything, but my sandwich was RUINED!!! My beautiful sandwich had soaked up all of the water from the flood and turned into a SPONGE!! I tried taking a bite of it, hoping that it was still somewhat edible, but it was no use. I wanted to cry. There was no way possible that I could survive for the next 4 hours on nothing but a Fage 0% yogurt, apples, a pepper, and the 2 TB of hummus and 10 carrots that I had for snack. I knew that this was a temptation to restrict and compromise my eating for the day, so I just decided to skip my last period and go home where I could eat a proper meal.

After the sandwich incident, I went to the library to study feeling really blue. Between combatting body image issues all day and a ruined lunch, I was spent. It seemed as if my day was a complete disaster. But then while I was studying my mystery man came over to sit by me!! I'll call him Mr. W. He is so sweet and friendly. We spent the rest of the time talking about the horrors of the upcoming test and other various stuff. Before long I found myself at ease once again. Nothing like a little flirting to cheer a sad gal up!!!

Thankfully, the test really wasn't that bad. I think I did pretty okay on the multiple choice and I totally rocked the essays. The really cool thing is that even though I ran out of time, my teacher let me finish writing the essays in the faculty lounge. She even told me that I didn't have a time limit to finish them, as long as I didn't take too long!!! Ummmmm....... Let's just say that I took well advantage of that time! Haha!

Oh...but then when I got home I had to throw out my Fage because it had sat in the car too long...SOB!

All in all, my day really wasn't that bad. Work was pretty easy and I rocked a killer workout at the gym afterwards. My mom was proud of me for making the decision to come home and eat lunch. She told me that God was probably answering my prayer to trust Him by testing me today. Because the test time bit into my third period, I also think that He was trying to tell me that He would have taken care no matter what happened today. Also, I think that if I had just gone to school without stopping at the store, and trusted God with my allotment of veggies, I might have been able to save my sandwich before it drowned:) You never know...

My Workout
30 minutes walking--at school
15 minutes walking--at home
20 minutes on the treadmill (I cut back to 20 from 25 because I did a little more walking than I should have today).
Various weight lifting exercises (abs, butt, arms, shoulders, sides, etc)
10 reps each of squats and lunges.
What was amazing about my workout was that I found myself just on fire, shouting praises to the Lord and singing Hallelujah for the last 10 minutes of my run. I just felt so free and alive and energized.
I kept repeating, this trial is going to take a THROUGH KIND OF FAITH.
The really amazing part is that beforehand I was doing some really bad body-bashing and freaking out about weight gain. But once I stepped on that treadmill, it was like God just took all of those fears away. Isn't He amazing?
The New and Improved Eats
1/2c Oatbran
1 TB Peanut Butter
Cascade Cherry Yogurt
Granny Smith
1c Silk Lite
1 Mashed Banana
1 Wheetabix
Rudy's Bakery Honey Sweet Wheat Bagel
1/2c Allwhites
Tomato Slices
1 TB Hummus
1 oz Avocado
Assorted Veggies
1c Silk Lite warmed with cocoa powder
Jocolat Chocolate-Mint Larabar (I can't even say how amazingly good this way. It tasted like a brownie and I enjoyed every bite!)
Scramble of
6 oz Tofu
1/2c Brown Rice
Assorted Veggies
cooked in 1/4c Veggie Broth
2 Clemmies
Mini Almond Milk
1cKashi Almond Shredded Wheat with
1c Warm Silk Lite(d-lish combo!)
12 almonds
10 carrots
1 clemmie
2 TB Hummus
2 Slices No-Salt Bread
1 TB Peanut Butter
1 TB Fig Jelly (yea!!!)
1/2c Allwhites
Red Pepper and some cauliflower
Fuji Apple
1/2c Silk Lite
Low-fat Vanilla Yogurt mixed with
1 TB Cocoa Powde
2 Wheetabix biscuits crumbled (this was a disgusting combo!!! Because it was pre-prepared the Wheetabixes absorbed all of the yogurt and turned it into another soggy, fluffy mess. Ick!)
1 Clemmie
1c Tomato Soup
6 oz Tofu
3 Melba Toasts
Assorted Veggies
Granny Smith
Mini Almond Milk
Whew!!! Well it's WAAAAAAY past my bedtime girls!! Goodnight!!


aussirish February 20, 2009 at 3:56 AM  

hi girlie
i wanted to thank you SO much for that kind comment you left me :)!
keep up the new meal plan hun, i know it may seem hard or scary btu remember its for getting you healthy again. healthy and happy! and at times ive felt too like the ed isnt i wouldnt feel guilty for eating certain things..hun this is a good thing, its the ed saying to you that its not.
stay strong,

Kiki February 20, 2009 at 11:43 AM  

I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts about the meal plan!

Sorry you had such a bad day. But clearly, every cloud has a silver lining, like that guy!

Sorry for not commenting lately, I've just been busy trying to make up school stuff. Enjoy your day!